Ok, ok, not all Newcastle girls are Sea Donkeys. Cheryl Cole saves the day (25 Photos)

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If you haven't tuned into the Daily Afternoon Randomness over the past few days, I've hammered the women of Newcastle, England, mercilessly. And for good reason: most of them are mutant monsters. So I've been ignoring the hundreds of emails from our English Chivers screaming that Cheryl Cole is from Newcastle. This would restore the town's pristine standing as a preeminent source of English hotties (of course).

Note: I want to see some real Newcastle girls. I've been sent dozens of photos of girls from Da Castle, all of whom look like something out of a horror film. Let's see some real hotties. Send them to me using our handy-dandy upload page and I'll post them in today's Randomness.

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  • josh


    • Yourfreakindaddy

      She had me until 20

      • its_forge

        OMG she's walking with a black man, it's the end of the fucking world. Holy shit what is wrong with you?

        • LukasS

          He's Ashley Cole, an England national soccer player. Who cheated on him (idiot). Now her name is Cheryl Tweedy

  • pastry

    Been to Newcastle a few times. If you're looking for girls, go elsewhere.

    • Jibjob

      Yeah, I agree. Been there enough times to see there is no talent. Been to Liverpool which was ideal.

    • nato2101

      Bit unfair, the same can be said about most of England.

      • daduts

        you don't know who vikki blows is, apparently.

      • DaddyD

        I think pastry's problem is that the girls see him coming … and run the other way.

        • Awesome

          I think DaddD's problem is he tries to hustle dates at the local abbey. English girls appear to be as ugly as their teeth.

  • http://thechive.com/ mattythegooch

    Much fucking better!! Although, 2 hotties out of a population of 275K is like finding my dick in a hay stack………er, needle.

    • Jake

      Huh. I guess that's where the phrase "needle dick" comes from…

    • DaddyD

      Why would I be looking in a needle for your dick … oh, wait … you're really that small?

    • http://www.facebook.com/pcribaudo Pete Ribaudo

      same thing.

    • Shaggy0625

      same, same for me…..

  • balen

    they're sea donkey's. trust me.

  • Sinéad

    Isn't #10 Hilary Duff?

    • winston002

      22 is vida guererra, thats from a maxim shoot

    • Phondo

      Huh, I thought it was Olga Kurylenko. But then, sometimes I also think my pillow is Olga Kurylenko.

    • http://www.facebook.com/codealpha Terry Burke

      it is indeed

  • Martin

    …slowly reaches towards pants….

  • GoForth

    Is that the Mrs.StayPuft on the left in 1?

    • GoForth

      Meant pic 2!

  • gator

    new castle has a chance after all

  • http://www.facebook.com/paulstav Paul Stavropoulos

    pretty sure 10 is hilary duff

    • Ben

      Thank you. I was just about to say that

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1211787995 Keith Piscitelli

    i would suck on that tattoo until I got ink poisoning…

  • Darksoul

    Because all men deserve to be with hot blond e-cup model/actress/porn stars…All the e-players here wouldn't know what to do with the average chubbies, let alone a hot chick.

    • cantkillcastro

      I know what to do with a chubby! And none of mine are "average" either :)

      2 rules of aging:
      1) Never trust a fart
      2) Never waste an erection, alone or not!

    • Dude

      Wouldn't know what to do with a chub? I'll have you know that I can order a pizza and a bucket of kfc like it's nobody's business.

    • Finster


  • eroon

    #2 left to right: Popeye, wolverine, harry potter, and Sloth (reference the goonies). "Hey mom… I've met someone"

    • Jcdubyah

      Hilarious. Good one eroon.

  • http://www.facebook.com/codealpha Terry Burke

    i don't 3 really helps the case and showing multiple pictures of (what looks like) the same 2 or 3 doesn't prove anything

  • Bob

    Cheryl is nothing special. Don't be fooled Americans when she comes over fo X-Factor USA. She's average looks but is a chav – look it up.

    • LukasS

      I guess being crowned 'Sexiest woman alive' by FHM means that you're nothing special. She's smoking hot. Ashley Cole is an idiot.

    • Shoestring

      Isn't Chav basically a wigger?

      • kent

        Chavs are wiggers and white trash blended together in a stew.

  • Kris Coleman

    #10 – Hilary Duff; who is not from Newcastle, but Houston, Texas.

    #23 – Vida Guerra is definitely NOT Cheryl Cole.

    Chive, i'm disapointed in you guys for this post. tsk tsk.

    • mitch

      23 is cheryl but 22 definitely is not

    • Robert

      i noticed the same thing

    • v4vendetta

      #23 is not Vida Guerra…not by a long shot.

  • stafferty

    Tried to stay objective and I actually looked for modeling agencies from Newcastle, wasn't all that impressed. (AmModels.co.uk and Ne8castings.co.uk)

    Cheryl Cole and Laura Haddock-yes please

    Other than that-meh

  • Onlunch

    Ok. so Newcastle has 2 hot chicks for the whole place? Fuck !!!!

    I would move

    Wheres the good stuff?

    • Found

      Try Wilmington, NC. Babes galore

  • Dave23

    22s Vida Guerra not Cole,

    but Newcastle is BEAT, one good deed doesn't make up for picture 2

  • metalcool36

    So with all the hpoa's in here… Why the hell did someone try to use the girls from pic #3 as their "proof"??…..

    • Beldar

      I was going to say the same thing. All dogs in #3.

      • Josh

        DUCKFACE! WTF?!? #13

        • Josh

          Oops! I meant #3 LOL! Fail.

  • Kris Coleman

    the good stuff is in florida I think… almost every hot model I see lately ends up being from Florida. There's like a black hole for Poon there. I'm thinking about moving…

    • its_forge

      Actually Australia seems to have more gorgeous chickies per capita than almost anywhere else. Although I work in Boca Raton and live in Fort Lauderdale and yeah, I do love living in South Florida all right.

  • Tyler

    Actually, it looks like Laura Haddock has a five-head!

    • She's hot

      Actually, it looks like Tyler likes guys!

  • Gary

    Laura Haddock's wikipedia page clearly says she's from Hertfordshire…

    • AnyoneForCoffee

      Yeah, I sent her photo in as an example of English women in general (Newcastle's a lost cause, y'see). Chive clearly misread my message!

      Anyway, to repeat:

      Dear Chive,

      Please can we have a thread on Laura? Google Images alone has a skipload of worthy photos of the goddess!

  • Eeik5150

    So, 2 girls from Newcastle does not a track record break. That still leaves 99.97% of the women there smack in the heart of Sea Donkies. Just deal with it.

  • NomNomGirls

    Gents, without Newcastle, there would be a lot of lonely very drunk men out there as well, be grateful for the help…

  • Brah

    What's wrong with her in #4? She has a uniboob, they're melted together.

    • Kris Coleman

      I kind of like that. like there's so much boobage the boobs are spilling into one another. I'd love to seperate them with my face.

      • Brah

        Dude, you realize they're not actually spilling together? Uniboobs are a possible outcome of implants. Sorry to tell ya.

    • top dog

      That is hilarious, I think something went horribly wrong with the operation.

      • titman


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