Daily Morning Awesomeness (20 Photos)

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  • Christian Lander

    #15 Stuff White People Like #75, The Big Lebowski

    When it come to the Coen brothers, white people can't get enough. Their films are intelligent, complex, brilliantly done, and funny, sort of. You see, these filmmaking brothers often tackle large issues with dense, layered scripts in movies that most white people think are funny, but they can't be sure until they see someone smarter than them laughing at the screen. Fortunately, the Coen brothers made a movie, The Big Lebowski, which is the most straightforward funny movie that they have ever made and therefore is the absolute favorite of white people everywhere.

    The film is a modern update on film noir, something that all white people profess to like but don't actually watch. In fact white people generally consider The Big Sleep to be the best film that they've never seen.

    Most white people will say they love The Big Lebowski because it has good characters, it's quotable, and it's just fantastic filmmaking. But as we've proven time and again, the film simply provides white people with another excuse for themed drinking, specifically White Russians. If you take nothing away from this film, just remember that it is impossible to order this drink without a white person immediately quoting something from the movie.

    This probably explains why every time you've had one of these drinks a white person has started yelling at you about Donnie or telling you that the Dude abides. If you happen to have any Spanish blood in you, then a quick quote from the Jesus character played by John Turturro will almost certainly net you a second free drink courtesy of a delighted white person.

    The film is also responsible for a significant spike in white people going bowling. The pastime has always been popular with "retro" white people, specifically the women who wear pointy fifties glasses and men who are into tiki bars and Hawaiian shirts. But the pastime was vaulted into the realm of acceptable for millions of white people after the release of the movie. Suggesting a Lebowski night at a local bowling alley is a surefire hit in increasing your popularity with white people.

    When you get to the alley you may notice groups of other white people who are dressed in slightly vintage cloths, look stronger than normal white people, and don't smile very often. They are known as "working class white people" and will probably not be amused by your white friends' clever name for a bowling team. They will probably be even less amused by your white friend who will inevitably show up wearing a bathrobe, shorts, and sunglasses.
    On second thought, it's probably just best to avoid this movie altogether.

  • Christian Lander

    Stuff White People Like #62, Knowing What's Best For Poor People.

    White people spend a lot of time of worrying about poor people. It takes up a pretty significant portion of their day.

    They feel guilty and sad that poor people shop at Wal*Mart instead of Whole Foods, that they vote Republican instead of Democratic, that they go to Community College/get a job instead of studying art at a University.

    It is a poorly guarded secret that, deep down, white people believe if given money and education that all poor people would be EXACTLY like them. In fact, the only reason that poor people make the choices they do is because they have not been given the means to make the right choices and care about the right things.

    A great way to make white people feel good is to tell them about situations where poor people changed how they were doing things because they were given the ‘whiter’ option. “Back in my old town, people used to shop at Wal*Mart and then this non-profit organization came in and set up a special farmers co-op so that we could buy more local produce, and within two weeks the Wal*Mart shut down and we elected our first Democratic representative in 40 years.” White people will first ask which non-profit and are they hiring? After that, they will be filled with euphoria and will invite you to more parties to tell this story to their friends, so that they can feel great.

    But it is ESSENTIAL that you reassert that poor people do not make decisions based on free will. That news could crush white people and their hope for the future.

    • The Real D. Nozzle

      woah woah, you're saying HE has race issues after you just labeled a black guy a "gangbanger" and implying he "stole his money"? unless you know the guy in the picture you're assuming a whole hell of alot. also christian never mentioned black people, nor outwardly disparage white people. Sounds like you have race issues, man.

      and "you know you could try applying the money you steal/spend on shit like that to maybe take a few classes to better yourself", seems to run pretty parallel to "It is a poorly guarded secret that, deep down, white people believe if given money and education that all poor people would be EXACTLY like them", which smacks of social, and fiscal condescension(which you denied), and accused him of "firing nonesense" about white vs. black when, ironically enough, black wasn't even mentioned until you mentioned it.

      like i said said, race issues man, you're makin' us white people look bad….

  • Joest

    Actually, #13 isn’t a Golf. It’s a Skoda Felicia.

  • ProvenZer0

    #9, best movie from the cohen brothers…."Damn, we're in a tight spot.."

  • Nazz1962

    This has turned into nothing but a hate-fest and so I'm out. I'm deleting all my comments, so you can all just argue with yourselves. Good riddance!

    • L. Woebegone

      Missed one

    • McBeastie

      Turned into a hate-fest? I think you are the Hate-fest 2011 organizer and CEO. It's your thread bitch.

  • omgh4x

    TL:DR but I'm sure it was witty.

    • omgh4x

      TL ; DR

      bite my bag, emoticons

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