• Ryan

    Nice shoes, wanna fuck.

    • Nom Nom

      You wanna go to my place (and by my place I mean my parents basement) and have sex all night long (and by all night long I mean 2 minutes of disappointing sex) and the rest of the night you can watch me play call of duty. Sound good?

    • Raglin

      Look, our scarves match…I'm John…

      • Nicholas Pipa

        lmao not gonna lie…. this is the best one I've read. You should have posted this as an original comment instead of a reply so more people could see.

    • JoJo


    • Nautical D

      Are you tired? cos you've been running through my dreams all night…

    • egghead

      I've seen this work

  • dicey

    If I flip a coin, what are my chances of getting head?

    • hot carl

      About as good as you getting tail?

  • DuroyPrime

    Hi, ever been on the chive?

  • james

    Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.

    • MissBAMF

      I ❤ you lol

  • Michael McCloskey

    Buy em a drink and then just walk away.

    • Ashley Robertson

      you would think that works but we just forget who bought the drink once we have it and your gone

    • Don Draper

      I don't think women are into passive aggressive guys. Unless you are Don Draper, you won't pull this one off.


      thats just a waste of drinks!

    • Biggus Diccus

      Buy em a drink, slip drugs into it, then walk away.

      • Andrew Tarr

        …and wait

        • Zeus

          Got that bitch drugs. Bitches love drugs

    • buuillis

      get them to buy YOU a drink is the trick. but keep wastin money on the same ol who-errs

  • Israeli_Rob

    Screw me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Rumpelstiltskin?

  • Tyrone Shulaces

    Me: Wanna fuck and get some pizza?

    Her: WHAT?!

    Me: Oh you don't like pizza?

    • IronEagle119

      You are supposed to ask about the pizza first…

  • Bryan

    Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

    • Dpayne


      • Spacemanspiff


    • FreddyStylez


  • mammalsauce

    Why aren't you in the kitchen?

    • mindthegap


    • Krzysztof Romot


  • julietromeobravo

    Haaave you met Ted?

    • Barney Stinson

      works EVERY time

      • BobSugar

        I'm a big fan. Are you still at Goliath?

      • The Barnicle

        Legen…….wait for it………DARY!

        • kyle

          legen…wait for it and-i-hope-you're-not-lactose-intolerant-cause-the-next-part-is…DAIRY!

    • Diego

      like a boss!

    • Zeus

      Yes it is me, Lorenzo Von Mattherhorn… 2 t's

    • SuperTrouper

      Lesson 1: Lose the goatee…it doesn't go with your suit.
      Lesson 2: Get a suit. Suits are cool…exhibit A.

    • Kevin DeFord


    • @arunkarthik

      chive should totally make a himym post with these awesome barney quotes!

      • DAWG

        there is one already, but only one (thats not enough)

  • Wooster

    You know how I know we are going to have sex tonight? Because I'm stronger than you.

    • Anjin-San


    • bud

      id give you more thumbs up if i could

    • the fapist

      You know how I know we are going to have sex tonight? because your stronger than me.

    • Jim

      you fucking sheep, thats horrible. not worth a single thumbs up let alone 300+

  • The_Drake

    I know where tampons go.

    • ludača


    • Mr Milk

      THAT was funny.

  • Ryan Nitsotolis

    are those space pants your wearing?…. Cuz your ass is outta this world

    • Tony


  • sanchez

    You're adoreable…Id love to rape your fuckhole

    • Grodon

      Go back to, ther's where all the teen assholes are…

    • Cake is a Lie

      do you like Phil Colins?

    • pat

      sanchez I laughed my ass off to this one, good work

    • Phil


    • The Dude

      That is a little Dirty sanchez.

  • jason in pc

    HI, post on a little website called the Chive, wanna be famous?


    I hope you like jewelry, because my dick is a real gem.

  • Nathan

    I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you.

    • Ashley Robertson

      This may be the only one I wouldn't walk away from after it was said

      • Nathan

        Its a rule of mine… when in doubt! quote Ron Burgundy. …and maybe even one day her and I will get married… on top of a mountain, and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance till the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside! and you won't be invited.

        • Rangerdanger

          My god this man is fucking epic.

    • bryainiac

      Kudos on the Burgandy quote

      • pat

        when in rome

    • Anon

      60% of the time, it works every time

  • Atay

    Can you tell I did 200 push ups earlier today?

    • Loccus

      Fuck that's lame

    • yourmomonchive

      they meant the girl in the picture not the guys in here needledick

    • cjayy

      yes, coz you smell like old socks.

  • stu daddy

    Are you from Tennessee, 'cause you're the only ten-I-see

    • Razorback

      Better version: Are you from Kentucky? Do you wanna fuck me?

    • fibonacci5150

      R u from Georgia, cuz I wish there was moar-of-juh. money

    • Ian

      Lol 69 dislikes

  • Wha

    Do you have lower back problems?
    OK, see ya later.

    • glc

      that's why it`s called FUTURE lower back problems

    • Wha garbage

      AND if you cant already tell, then you're a douche and you picked the wrong one.

  • BeingAwesome

    Gimme a chance, lemmie get up in them guts.

    • josh

      i lol'd

    • Kaelen Brede

      lemme find out!

  • toban

    you know my wife is bi curious

    • Carl R. Evans


    • Dan Hewett

      lol… I have actually used just that line and had it work 😉

  • Shaggy

    I would probably need a few drinks, for some courage and then that would lead to more drinks and then the classy line of "nice tits"

  • Eddy Melas

    does this napkin smell like chloroform to you?

    • HeavyD


    • brian

      yea that was really funny when they said that in the movie hall pass.

      • yabootz

        wouldnt know. havent seen it.

      • GlibTongue

        Oh my god, you mean that line came from the movie hall pass? And it could NOT have possibly been thought of by anyone…beforehand?!

        Shit man. Hollywood…fuckin geniuses there now. I really ought to just give them all my money so I can just repeat cool lines from flicks to people.

      • TheDoc

        It was even funnier when patton oswalt said it years ago

        • Jak

          patton oswalt is fuckin idiot! I'm not even trolling, I am completely serious. He is a tool

    • Honest Joe

      I thought this was going to be way earlier on the list.
      My personal fav.

    • aleXTC


  • Bryan

    Whats up girl. I wanna floss with your pubic hair.

    • LMAO

      Not a great line, per se, but I fucking spit my coffee out all over my desk laughing. Thanks for that.

    • tastykak3s

      Reminds me of the joke:
      A guy walks into a barber shop and asks "Do you cut women's hair?"
      "Good because I've got one stuck in my teeth."

      A timeless classic.

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