Daily Morning Awesomeness (20 Photos)

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  • hater

    #3. I'll take the rapists for $400, Alex.

    • sexualniner

      I’ll take ape tit for 100.

    • asdasd

      I peed a little, laughing!!!

      • Don't Hate

        Sooo, you've given birth?

    • fibonacci5150

      I love it cuz I do that voice everytime I think of something clever on words with friends.

    • http://twitter.com/Z_Triple_T @Z_Triple_T

      correction: space bar should read "ssshhpashe"

    • That Guy

      "what sound does a dog make?"
      "mooooo"
      "no"
      "well that's the sound your mother made last night"
      "i hate my job"

      • lolol

        Alex Trebek: No! Good Lord! We would've accepted "bow-wow" or "ruff"!

        Sean Connery: Ah, ruff. Just the way your mother likes it Trebek!

    • rodrocks

      Below

      Me

    • PoppinFresh

      Buck Futter!!

    • Jim

      Anal bum cover.

      • Rocks Off

        That's "An Album Cover" Mr. Connery!

        • Jessica Condrey

          – I'll take "Catch The Semen" for $800.

          Alex Trebek: It's NOT "Catch The Semen"!

          Sean Connery: Is that what the moustache is for, Trebek?

          • Touche Salesman

            I'll take Jap Anus relations

    • JoJo

      Hilarious!

    • tyler

      yesss!!!! oh the memories

  • paula sux

    You're doin' it wrong #1. Get a fucking pan.

    • asdasd

      He (obviously a "he") hacked himself a pan like a baws!!
      GTFO

    • fibonacci5150

      u don't wanna go to work with ur clothes smelling like bacon and eggs? I thought this was Amurika!

  • Codey

    #7 MUST HAVE
    #15 No my parents do that too

    • asdasd

      Parents are anti-establishment. That's how they roll haters

    • Kethkavain

      #15 is my roommates, and we're not even 30…

      • dOOb

        My buddy does this too…. but mostly cause he's bitch whipped!

    • Larry

      We do #15 on one of our TVs, mostly because I don't want to pay the extra $7 a month to Verizon for an HD box. We mostly use the TV for DVDs for the rugrat.

    • http://www.thechive.com DistractedIndividual

      I'm still working on teaching my parents how to text and FB…I don't they could handle HD, too complicated.

    • monsieurloti

      What's worse is when the parents try to use a DVR.

    • schango

      #15 I set up my parents TV with HDMI, but they use the coax.

      • BSmike

        And then they stretch it to fill the screen. ARRRHHGGGH!

        • Jay

          My wife does this. Absolutely drives me crazy. We bought HD, we have HD channels, and it's hooked up for HD. But, nope, we're watching SD on a plasma.

          And she hates pausing live TV despite the DVR.. She'll run to the bathroom during commercials and if she misses something, gets mad if I rewind it for her. Will never figure her out.

  • DoctorMauer

    #6
    I want to show this to the world

    • adktd

      Everyone does that where I live 😦

      • Allen

        Everyone does that every where

    • Dunny_

      Wonder if I can blow this up and tape it to my rear window….next to a giant middle finger.

    • hot carl

      this should be on the billboard next to 408, off i-4.

      • Mark

        Sweet Jesus yes. Exit lane becomes mildly congested. So people begin speeding ahead and cutting in, further slowing the lane down and perpetuating the traffic.

    • Jeff

      Welcome to Miami bitches, where exit ramps double as high speed, short term, passing lanes.

      • Jen

        i do that shit all the time. im cute so i do what i want. ha!

        what we need is a sign telling people wtf a merge lane is. apparently some people think yield means STOP. assholes.

        • windowlicker

          I hope you die.

        • MattFoley

          try pulling this shit on me and you'll see what you'll get. whore.

        • mongoose5271

          That attitude will work nicely for you when you're getting on your knees nightly just to pay your bills.

          What we need is cunts like you to stop pulling this shit. You're the type of asshole that turns traffic into a nightmare.

        • Steven

          Who let you out of the kitchen?

    • LineHog

      You people should try driving a semi truck like myself, I get cut off so many times a day its unreal. People see a big truck and immediately want to get in front of it. The thing most people don't understand is we can weigh as much as 80,000 pounds, your car weighs around 3500 pounds, that is like a 2 year old picking a fight with Shaquille O'Neal. Remember that when you are around semi trucks.

      And PS

      Get off your God Damn cell phones and pay attention to what your doing!!!!!!!!!!!

      • asshole

        *what you're doing

        -asshole

      • engrishresson

        Word. My uncle drives for an Oil Filed trucking company in Texas and his ass is all kinda stressed from asshole H-Town drivers.

        • ANR

          I live in the Houston area, and I refuse to drive downtown because of how stressed out I get due to the idiotic drivers.

          • engrishresson

            Yea I live up in the Woodlands and every damn day getting off of Woodlands parkway onto 45 there are always assholes doing this shit. I love not letting them in and watching them freak like I'm the asshole here.

            • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jeffrey-Scott/1646765608 Jeffrey Scott

              I do the same thing. I give ample time to merge, after that you're on your own.

              • Don't Hate

                Time to legalize 'bumper cars'. After Jen gets her ass bumped by a 40-ton rig, she'll think twice next time. (No double-entendre intended)

            • ANR

              45 is the WORST!

        • Duke

          Houston is it's own beast.

          • engrishresson

            Could be worse though. Traffic in Austin is complete balls.

      • https://www.facebook.com/jason.ciotti Jason Ciotti

        But you have so many more wheels….obviously that means you can stop much faster than a car with 4 wheels…

        There are so many times I wish you guys would just put them into the wall…or ditch…

      • Cajun Carrot

        Please tell your comrade drivers that the left lane is also a passing lane only please 😉

        I mean this with the sincerest respect because I work for a company where we have a fleet of trucks. I know how stressful ya'lls job is but I cannot stand the a-hole truckers who stay in the left lane on a highway.

        • LineHog

          I agree, I hate it to. Problem is so many trucks are governed around 65 mph, when you get one truck that only goes 64 and another trying to pass him at 65, it takes forever. The faster one should either just ride behind the slower one or the slower one should slow down and let them pass. If you drive 600 miles a day like myself, 5mph difference in speed will not get you there any faster once you figure in stopping and traffic.

          • Don't Hate

            5mph more = 45 min. less over 600 miles.

    • Anonamau5

      The only thing it's missing is all the cars trying to go straight and not being able to get through the green. Fuckers.

    • Tee6

      my boyfriend does this daily…I hate it!

      • Dennis

        I hate him too..

  • Tropsmurf

    # 16
    what concerns me is sometimes seems to have tried pull her shirt UP. Normally I would say not even if I was spastic drunk….though I would consider it on a dare

    • Tropsmurf

      dammit, spelling and grammar fail by me.

      • DCMOFO

        At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

        I'm just going to assume you're drunk.

      • http://twitter.com/Sanja_Knez @Sanja_Knez

        If only it were a mere spelling and grammar fail.

  • MigraineBoy

    #13 I keep having these wet dreams.

    • jason

      Cool idea, but who wants to sleep in a bed where the sheets and everything around you smells like chlorine?

      • amrith777

        Well–not to mention…………….What could go WRONG???

        • Monk

          Or what could go right.

          • amrith777

            Touche!! But let's just say it better all go right before maybe some of the electronics meet the water surrounding the bed–giving a totally new meaning to “an electrifying performance in bed”!!!

  • 2857

    i bet i could throw a football over that mountain

    #22

    • Married guy

      All your wildest dreams will come true. 😦

      • Tek257

        Break the wrist and walk away.

    • nepster

      What do you know about time travel?

    • Uncle Rico

      Grandma took a spill at the sand dunes today…broke her coccyx.

    • Napoleon

      Well, you have a sweet bike. And you're really good at hooking up with chicks. Plus you're like the only guy at school who has a mustache.

  • Married guy

    My wife doesn't like sex anymore. 😦

    • Netoward

      #13 Try it, it may help with ideas

    • lahdel

      make a game of it #9

    • http://thechive.com/ Paula_

      Oh yes she does! Just not with you.

      Hugs,
      Paula
      – Hey, I'm free!?

      • ROK247

        hate to say it, but bingo

        • https://www.facebook.com/jason.ciotti Jason Ciotti

          Statistically it has to happen at some point. Even for Paula.

          • http://thechive.com/ Paula_

            Oh don't worry, I get plenty of action. Which reminds me, I'm almost out of Rohypnol again.

            Hugs,
            Paula
            – Owww… 1 gallon discount!

      • amrith777

        I was wondering who'd be the first to say that…mighta know'd it'd be YOU,LOL!!!

    • Dunny_

      No? Well she loved it last night, Trebek.

    • equalizermax

      That's explain why your still this site in the middle of the night

    • Someone else's wife

      You're obviously not doing it right and she's tired of faking it for all these years. Try google for a map locating the "clitoris" and spend 15 minutes on it next time. Yer welcome.

  • that guy

    Stupid Americans…

    • fibonacci5150

      watever, bernanke goin' fix the akonomy again today at 1:00. so amurika gonna win this time boi! ya woot

  • maximum high

    #6 Not Awesome.

    • Cross496

      Actually, studies show that actions like the one depicted in #6 reduce time in traffic for all, and there's the clear personal advantage of which you weren't quick enough to take advantage, genius.

      • Borracho

        You can take your studies and stick them where the sun don't shine. I always see a lot of people who have to wait at least 10 minutes more at an off ramp because a few idiots cut in line and everybody else has to stop.

      • Daniel Binkney

        BULLSHIT – what studies? Your mom's?

        What I hate is people like you who think they are too good to wait i traffic like the rest of us. Take your audi and shove it up your ass.

      • Sandy

        Sure… and what about the people who need to go straight and are stuck behind the asshole waiting to me let in? Are those people getting reduced time in traffic???

  • Catbra

    I so want #9
    "Honey, put your right foot on red"

    • monsieurloti

      Face down on Blue, Right knee on Red, Left Knee on Yellow

      • endlesssummerkid

        …your friend can lay on green and watch

  • Bence Béky

    #15

    yup, mine too

    • Jen

      i do the same thing. my BF used to always yell at me. i dont see the difference.

    • JayhawkJOE

      I've taught my folks so many times where the right channels are and simply refuse. Why even pay for the hd box?

    • Love HD

      I HATE THIS SOOOOOO MUCH!!!! SUCH A WASTE

    • wogitalia

      I see you a parent and raise you a 26 year old housemate who really should know better… So infuriating.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Joseph.Stephens83 Joseph Stephens

    #16 Hero dog is trying to rescue all the small children she ate.

    • GrapesofRough

      This picture depresses me more than anything else…

      • Negrodamas

        Agreed.

    • phonehangerupper

      Seattle's crack dog park in Belltown

    • Daniel Patrick Scannell

      I can never unsee this…

  • urDad

    MEH…

  • Joe

    #11 Cue music *Reunited and it feels so good*

    • Jesse

      It won't feel so good when she drinks the beer. That's Taiwan Beer and it is awful. It's kind of like a crappy version of Budweiser.

      • KingOfBeerPiss

        Is that even possible?

      • caleb

        In can yes, definitely an awful metallic taste. Right from the Taiwan beer factory it tastes great. But really, 32NT ($1) at +34C, cold piss tastes about right.

    • amrith777

      And the Native Americans call it the "white man's burden"…. :p

  • Ben2828

    #9
    guy: hey wanna play twister?
    girl: sure 🙂
    girl: hey! wait! I didn't said I was going to sleep with you!
    guy: no no no it's just innocent twister. *grins*

    • Matt

      Trust me baby, we won't be sleeping. 😉

  • pud3000

    #3 Hilarious. I literally laughed out loud.

    #9. Where can I get one? Probably would be the first time I volunteer to change the sheets!

  • http://www.facebook.com/bram.slob Bram Slob

    #20 tardis, trailer edition

  • paul

    #18 stickception….

    • Randy Marsh

      Nope

  • HSoup

    Me Master! Me run Bartertown! This Blaster! Twenty men enter, only him leave!

    #16

  • 6655321

    #16 #17 The caption was put on the wrong one.

  • gaz

    #15 trying to explain there is a difference between standard definition and high definition to parents is just as hard

    • tralfaz

      I just change it to HD then they say, "How did you do that?"

    • DCBizzle

      Parents just don't understand.

      • Jeff

        Once you reach your early twenties, and therefore are mankind's smartest and sexiest specimen, it takes about 15 years to realize what an asshole you were. Having 'successfully' (on a sliding scale) raised you, your parents understand more than you are equipped to realize. Like the fact that high def versus low is not worth contemplating.

        • DCBizzle

          It's a fucking Will Smith song.

          • Dennis

            Bizzle got burrned!

  • http://thechive.com/ bkfrijoles

    #10 awesome

  • xXbeermonkeyXx

    #11 mom..?
    #2 youre doing it right, keep pulling

  • thesensibleone

    #16 Paula

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/ADHDavenger13?feature=mhsn Firefighter23

      The dog is secretly her food

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