30 awesome comedy quotes brought to you by 30 Minutes or Less

30 Minutes or Less starring Jesse Eisenberg, Danny McBride, Nick Swardson and Aziz Ansari hits theaters August 12th.

  • sssss


    • sssss

      bring on the thumbs down hipster douches

      • Tits McGee

        nah, even hipsters aren't obnoxious enough to have their own catchphrase and t-shirts.

  • http://mbd.scout.com/mb.aspx?s=93&f=1801 Tokabwl

    There is to much win in this post to even mention..

    • truthIV

      Learn to write English prior to posting please.

      PS – You are an ignorant dumb ass.

      • schango

        "dumb ass" is one word

        • Heinrich Grammler

          There should have been a period after your statement.

        • truth

          haha. Thanks schango.

          • therealtruth

            PS should also read P.S.


            • therealtruth

              sorry… i am a dick smoking ball chaser… i apologize to all my fans

              • therealtruth

                no, yur just lame.

                • therealtruth

                  why do you keep replying to yourself?

                  • therealtruth

                    Still no answer? No one to ask why I eat my own semen???

  • nojoke420

    #22 "When will then be now?"

    • putzco


      • rebel

        how soon?

    • Dolphonkey


    • Whammy

      What do we call this machine?
      We call….Mr Coffee! Would you like a cup?
      Of course I would, everyone knows I like to have coffee while watching Radar

  • fgg

    cant beat #3

    • Cocrates

      "oh boyyyys, look what i founnnnnd!"

    • sarcasm

      I try to say this joke whenever I walk into a room/party, but my uncool friends never get the joke. I must be old.

  • Tokabwl

    Anyone else patiently waiting for "Burn your Bra" ??!?! Please HURRY!!!!

    • ORIg


      • Tokabwl

        I'm pretty sure your either a rainbow chaser, or you have a face for radio…

        • ORIg

          No. Just know how to get laid.

    • laughing at tokabwl

      get a life, ass munch

      • Blumpkin

        agree. it's pathetic.

      • Tokabwl

        You need Midol. That is all.

        • Red

          you need to get a life. that is everything.

    • b-ry

      stop fapping to pictures and go out and get laid. loser.

      • still laughing

        words of wisdom. he IS a jerking loser

  • Spt

    #8 I didn't know Mark Zuckerberg was a suicide bomber

    • Raymond

      Oh I get it…because he played that character in The Social Network.

    • Bodhi

      What movie is that anyways?

    • sarcasm

      Google+ drove him to desperation

  • Capt. Obvious

    #27 Many greats, but Tommyboy. That was epic

    • Tyler

      I and so many people who were kids in the 90s know this movie word for word. 😀

    • Random Crazy Guy

      Kid: Hey Gilligan, did you eat the Skipper?
      Tommy: You better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesn't pick up, cause I'll come over there and jam an oar up your ass!

  • DemonDan

    #10 possibly the best movie ever made.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=8204704 Josh Peters

      Why are you getting a lion?

      Because nobody fucks with a lion bro

      • JD Marsh

        Dr. Shakalu brought me some crazy Zimbabwe weed that turns you into a deer.
        (alex) You do know that lions eat deer, right?
        Thats true kid. Doctor,…..we gotta be careful.

    • Master_Rahl

      your ass is more tan than my face

    • HighTy

      which movie is it from??

      • really

        Grandma's boy

  • Bud Lee

    Why u post dis but u no post burn your BRA!?!?!?!?!?


    LOL…ok what is this from?

    • Jason

      Tropic Thunder

      • Bud Lee

        ah yes…I remember now

      • saskriverpirate

        a nutless monkey could do your job.

    • equalizermax

      Love his dancing…

    • Master_Rahl

      When's the Les Grossman movie coming out? He STOLE the show, much like Diddy in Get Him to the Greek. Awesome sauce!

    • Citizen_Pa1n

      Tropic Thunder. Great movie. So much ANGRY Tom Cruise,.

  • yuri

    #9 bill fuckin murray 🙂

    • EORIHG

      fuckin sucks.

      • b-ry


        • Robert Plant

          3rded. i don't know what these faggots' weird fixation is with him. photoshop his face onto Emma Watson's teenage-boy looking body, and the Chivers will think they died and went to heaven.

          • Glizz

            I'd like a piece of that action.

          • TRON


    • zach

      is amazing. don't know what you two are smoking

  • Dude

    MIlk was a bad idea

    • Joey

      bad choice retard

    • Malkintosh22

      1) It's 'milk'
      2) It's 'bad choice'

      Almost, son.

      • HANK

        You are a smelly pirate hooker and I am going to punch you in the face

        • tralfaz

          Why don't you go back to your home on whore island.

  • Jason

    #26 I would tell you it wasn't thorny who said but I'm sure you already figured it out. I will say "Who wants a moustache ride?!"

    • i just chived

      i would have also accepted:
      "hey that's my car… that's my girl"

    • Mito

      Littering and…… Littering and…….. Littering and……. Litterring….and smokin' the reefer.

      • geez

        alright meow

    • neil


  • combat_carl

    Y u no post burn your bra today?

    • Tits McGee

      stop complaining and go get laid.

      • combat_carl

        I did get laid on Friday, thank you very much

        • Darkseid

          go do it again and stop fawning over pictures.

  • Irishstephen

    #3 The Sheriff's a *DONG!!*

  • sheoncebelieved

    Where's Mallrats:
    Affleck: You got a problem?
    Brody: Yeah, but i can't express myself monosyllablically enough for you to understand it!

    • Joey

      very good one…esp since it was aimed at that tool affleck

    • Wade Wilson

      "What happened here?"
      "These two got stoned and knocked the other guy out!"

    • Randy Marsh

      No, Mallrats should be,
      "You dumb bastard, its not a schooner, its a sailboat."
      "A schooner is a sailboat stupid head."
      "Well you know what, there is no Easter bunny. Over there, thats some guy in a suit."

      • HANK

        Correction that'd be,
        "Would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?"

        • sheoncebelieved

          How about:
          You know what you need is a fatty bo-blatty blunt and I guarantee you'll see a sailboat, an ocean, and maybe some of them big tittied mermaids doing some of that lesbian shit….LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME YOU SLOOPY BITCH

    • kyoshizen

      "That fucking kid is on the escalator again!"

      I had a friend in High School who would bust that out at the most random times. Got me every time!

  • Anonymous

    some of these are wrong and attributed to the wrong characters in the movie….

  • jasgat

    #28 Like him or not Cruise was freaking hilarious in that movie.. Got to give it to him.

    • KyleGamgee

      This was soon after he jumped the couch. He'd sort-of been written off, but then he reminded people that he's got talent. Great little role.

      My favorite scene in the movie is when the director blows up.

  • saltygary

    #11 that's the best you can come up with for ground hog day?!? Shiatt…

    • ROK247


      • ilovethechive

        Thats pretty good for a quadraped

    • Mmm_Ciao

      His conversations with Rita were always hilarious:

      Phil: You weren't in broadcasting or journalism?
      Rita: Uh unh. Believe it or not, I studied 19th-century French poetry.
      Phil: What a waste of time! I mean, for someone else that would be an incredible waste of time. It's so bold of you to choose that. It's incredible; you must have been a very very strong person.

    • Master_Rahl


    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=514615429 Pat Overton

      "Don't mess with me porkchop! What day is it?"

  • sheoncebelieved

    What about Man from the Snowy River:
    Kirk Douglass: You can bid the mob goodday
    & He'll dig is own grave.

  • jakubwrobel

    #23 wins.

  • OwnerOfYou


    • Rusty

      Seriously, about 4 of the quotes were from that new movie with jewy guy and indian guy. Weak product placement Chive, wwwweeeaaakkk

  • Tallahasse

    I've been watching Bill Murray since I was old enough to masturbate

    • Shawn

      one is never to young to masturbate

      • Raunchy The 1st

        agree. i was masturbating in the womb.

        • Patricio

          And…wth were you masturbating to, exactly?

    • dan

      do those two facts coincide with each other? does me

      • The Chivery

        Of course they do. He's a Chiver. Chive on!

    • Spocker

      You masterbate to Bill Murray? Awesome dude!

  • jlynn

    looks like a fn funny movie

  • http://thechive.com/ mattythegooch

    Littering and………Littering and……..smoking the reefer – #26

    30 seconds or less, looks like it's going to suck ASS!!!!!

    • http://thechive.com/ mattythegooch

      seconds..minutes…either way, that's about as long as I'd last watching this shit bomb.

  • wstsdebum

    #26 I believe it is actually Rabbit the says "You are freaking out… Man"

    • Shameful

      The snozberries taste like snozberries!

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