Mitch Hedberg’s one liners immortalized in wood (8 photos)

Here’s one of my favorite Mitch Hedberg moments and if you’ve ever been to a Dunkin Donuts, you feel my pain.

  • Alex

    Tim Vine is better

    • chris lee

      Hey alex, being a bit biased since i assume your english yourself. Kinda like when brits say the original “the office” is better than the US version when its CLEARLY not….

  • Greg

    "If carrots made you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up." Glad I got to see Mitch before he passed. rip.

  • hark1985


  • Juice

    One funny cat. Great comedy.

  • ME.

    Well your not in the f*$king club.

    • r151


  • Jay

    BUSH… search party of 3. You can eat, once you find, the Dufresnes!

    • djp

      Who can eat at a time like this…

      • Theresa

        The Dufresnes are locked in someone's trunk!

  • K1Strata

    I got an ant farm once. Those fuckers didn't grow shit!

  • Vinnie D

    Funniest man ever

  • kali

    I was totally listening to Mitch Hedberg on Pandora when I saw this post! Perfect timing.

  • eric

    I thought it was Hedberg, with no “A”.

    Favorite bit: Ducks eat free at Subway. You must look it up.

    • Steve French

      Thanks for the tip. Plus one sir.

  • CowardMouthed

    "I think Pringles' original intention was to make tennis balls. But, on the day the rubber was supposed to arrive, a truckload of potatoes showed up. And Pringles is a laid-back company, they said, "F**k it, cut 'em up!"

    • Ted

      When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. "Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter." But I like crackers man, that's why I bought it, 'cause I like crackers! I don't see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates! You've got no faith in the product itself.

  • Phil

    “Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis… one of those two doesn't sound right.”

  • Dude Imbibes

    "Mr Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree"

    "I was at a casino. I was standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said, 'You gotta move — you're blocking the fire exit,' as though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you're never blocking a fire exit."

  • Princess

    "If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. I would not want to submerge my head in there. All you hear is fish goin "Awww fuck. I thought I looked like that rock"

  • jc2881

    my favorite mitch hedberg line is "I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know"

  • Ted

    If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

  • @psykopengwin

    He was a comical genius……unfortunately I only got to see a show with him at the tail end about 2 months before his unfortunate demise. He couldn't finish a joke and ended up passing out on stage, it was a 15 minute set,. Isay this in all seriousness, it was the main reason I never experimented with drugs in college.

  • ChvnItUp

    "I got a belt on that's holding up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up my belt, i dont know what's really happening down there. Who is the real hero?" Long live Mitch!

  • Hater

    My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don't want them too. I'm like, "Hey… Hold on fellows… Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf.

  • Karl


  • Allenavw

    #7 Still one of my all time favourites. Can't help reading every single one of these in his voice.

  • Guest

    #1 "If you're wearing a turtleneck and a backpack it's like a really weak midget is trying to bring you down"

  • James

    "I ordered a chicken sandwich but I think the waitress misunderstood me because she said, "How would you like your eggs?" So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said "Incubated, and then raised, and then beheaded, and then plucked and then cut up then put onto a grill then put onto a bun. Sh*t, it's gonna take awhile. I don't have time, scrambled!"

  • Mitch

    "I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."

  • Ripley

    "I once saw a wino eating grapes and I said: Dude! You have to wait!"

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