Mitch Hedberg’s one liners immortalized in wood (8 photos)

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Here’s one of my favorite Mitch Hedberg moments and if you’ve ever been to a Dunkin Donuts, you feel my pain.

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  • Zedhere

    "I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."

  • Steve_McQueen

    Mitch is the best!! My friend does some cool wood burning too. Check it out! -

  • petrovitch

    I bought an ant farm, those fellas didn’t grow shit. RIP Mitch.

  • matt

    i once had a ant farm… them fuckers didnt grow shit

  • f3rr15

    "I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread."

  • chicago

    i forget the split-minded comedian, but one line was funny: if you drop a bar of soap on the floor – is it dirty or clean..

  • Daith_Lee

    Man, loading up all his stand ups now to listen for the millionth time. :) Ahhhh…Strategic Grill Locations…

  • calmer_than_you

    my friend asked me if i wanted a frozen banana. i said no, but i want a regular banana later so….yeahhhh.

  • spang

    "i take the roundabout AIDS test. i just call my friend brian… hey brian you know anyone who has AIDS?
    no? cool. cause you know me"

    best. comedian. ever.

    – RIP mitch

  • Not a fan

    "If you go to the grocery store and stand in front of the lunch meat section for too long, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey bologna — somebody needs to tell the turkeys, 'Man, just be yourself. You dont need to imitate the other animals. You got your own thing goin."

  • LovingChivette

    My favourite Mitch Hedburg one liner is "When I was a kid, I'd lay in my twin bed and wonder where my brother was" lol! May he Rest in peace!

  • Dj

    Dufrane, search party of three. What a comedic genius. Shame.

  • Phil

    I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didnt have one. So, I got a cake.

  • tommytwotime

    classic quotes, all of them. RIP Mitch

  • SadeShadz

    #4 Yep ^^

  • Gerry Saint

    I love playing tennis, but no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

  • vinny

    is a hippopotamus really a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?

  • LowEndRumble

    In the spirit of the Chive, I have one secret link to Bill Fucking Murray Order page that I'm not going to use. Any Chivettes interested in obtaining the link send a personalized self shot mirror pic to lowendrumble {at} Happy Chiving!

  • J-Walk

    "They say the recipe to Sprite is Lemon and Lime but I tried it at home, it's more complicated than that." RIP Mitch.

  • is awesome

    this dude is so unfunny it hurts

  • Pat

    I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, I found the "H" button, I pushed it twice. Fuckin'…potato chips came out, man, because they had an "HH" button for Christ's sake! You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of "HH". I did not learn my AA-BB-CC's. God god, dammit dammit.

  • NoDice

    "If you're flammable and have legs, you're never blocking a fire exit."

  • Goldenage_Geek

    "Saved by the natural buoyancy of citrus!"


  • Ebnman86

    "That tree is really far away"

  • Falthor

    my 2 favorite standup comedians alive or dead, are Steven Wright, and Mitch Hedburg

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