Mitch Hedberg’s one liners immortalized in wood (8 photos)

Here’s one of my favorite Mitch Hedberg moments and if you’ve ever been to a Dunkin Donuts, you feel my pain.

  • wetbeezy

    I wrote a script and gave to a directer and he told me to rewrite it… i said fuck that, I'll just make a copy

  • chavo

    The late? Did he die?

  • Hurryupmyclothesaregoingoutofstyle

    Duh, like ten years ago

  • Hurryupmyclothesaregoingoutofstyle

    “I haven’t slept for THREE DAYS… Because that would be a long time to sleep.”

  • Green Mountain Bot

    I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut… I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here… It's in my file at home. …Under "D".

  • Kyle

    There should be a Fuckin' Mitch Hedburg t-shirt.

  • deezus

    I’m against picketing, I just don’t know how to show it.

  • Scotty

    Good God, I haven't seen this much cocksucking for a corpse since I went to xtremetube.

  • John

    “This shirt is dry clean only, which means this shirt is dirty.”

  • anonymous

    If you are wearing a turtleneck and a backpack it’s like a midget is trying to bring you down.

  • Andy

    R.I.P. Mitch. "I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it!"

  • Kate

    "We do not need to bring ink and paper into this". Brilliant! Best comedian of all time 🙂 Thanks for this post.

  • Curtis

    ” An escalator can never break… It just turns into stairs.” I’m definitely in favor of a Mitch hedburg tshirt the guys a legend.. Another one for the road. ” I find ducks’ opinion of me depends on whether or not I have bread.”

  • meh

    Dude isn't even funny. Stupid Americans idolize everyone who did anything showbiz related and died, though.

  • mehh

    Your theory if full of holes I found him funny before he was dead. If carrots got you drunk rabbits would be fucked up.

  • Jonny L

    This meh guy must be French… Or retarded, same thing.

  • BillSPreston

    "I like an escalator, man, because and escalator can never break down. It can only become stairs."
    I love Mitch.

  • sol

    my all time favorite comedian.. rest in peace you mad genius

  • loui vito

    "When I was young, I would lay in my twin sized bed wondering where my brother was" thats one of my favorite. He was a great stand up guy, just had some drug issues, thats all.

  • snazz

    I like the fedex guy because he’s a drug dealer and doesn’t even know it… And he’s always on time!

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  • FLoWWaKe

    Favorite comedian

  • Wink


  • Wink

    Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience… I was at a carnival and this guy asked me to guess how many jelly beans were in a jar so I could win a prize. I was like why can’t I just HAVE SOME?! How bet you guess how many I want? If you said a handful you are correct!

  • Anonymous

    I’m sorry Reese… I never thought I would run into you…. can j at least have a piece? You’re a fucking bully man

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