Some of the better Tweets I’ve ever read (30 Photos)

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  • Dads

    First

  • Porkins

    I hope the Chive is one of those web pages#14

    • Bubba

      Lauren Greenberg looks hot to me. ("oh no, I have a stalker")

  • Z_b

    #9 wat.

  • BigtotheD

    #28 80 bucks will get you a good Rub and Tug in LA.

    • Gtown cupcakes guy

      Psshhhhtttt. $80 will get you two spanish hookers at the same time in DC.

      • MylesofStyles

        *Stats planning road trip to DC and LA*

  • Tom

    Not sure why but whenever I go on thechive on my iPad in class I somehow get hyperlinked (after 20 sec on a gallery) to porn websites, mainly one with Ron Jeremy selling me male enhancement pills or to the App Store to download a porn app…wtf and why is this happening

    • Okay

      Same thing happens to me… makes things a bit awkward

    • Sha

      I thought I was the only one. It's done that on my Iphone a few times.

    • Trash

      Yeah this is a serious problem. I come to Chive because I like delayed gratification and that sh*t is seriously immediate.

    • DaveB

      I also have had that problem, can make for some awkward moments but I KCCO.

    • Hsh

      Me too!!

    • Douche McFuckstain

      It's probably not the Chive, but the other porn sites you visit on a regular basis. Try clearing the history OR being less of a pervert.

      • Ron Jeremy

        Porn rules.

        • Defrosty

          Stupid bug on this site, I can't give you more than 1 Thumb up. I'll owe ya the other 999 I guess.

    • MylesofStyles

      Funny, I didn't read this happening to any Android users. Go figure.

      • Proud American

        It's because Android SUCKS.

        • whiskaleafa

          Right…that's why that shit happens on your garbage ass Steve jobs money hungry crap and not android, makes perfect sense

        • MylesofStyles

          Your logic is awesome.

    • Casey

      Omg happens to me too!

    • Methos

      Face it. The Chive knows what you really need.

  • George Zip

    If you mix Tabasco with Raman Noodles it tastes exactly like poverty.

    • George Zip

      #27 Yup; same here.

    • _HypoLuxa_

      . . . if you mix in a spoonful of peanut butter, you can step it up to lower class.

    • socalmarti

      I used to like to add those frozen vegetables with the lima beans, because I'm healthy and all! 😉

  • Dan

    #27 Only 6%?

    • Guibombe

      Some have smaller brains….

      • qwert

        point proven

    • Pit_Boss

      I don't know what percentage it is in mine, but all I did was hear light sabers clashing with x-wing fighters flying over head for the next 30 seconds.

  • SOhioChiver

    Well that was a waste of time…I was hoping something in there was going to be good…

    • AstroMikeDexter

      Well it was all good, then you arrived. Talk about a waste of time.

    • bizarrogreg

      The Chive has no time for whining

  • Dibo

    #29 Now can you imagine having a T-Rex baby?

    • bizarrogreg

      Just hands sticking out of a torso…

    • http://twitter.com/EcksJay22 @EcksJay22

      No, actually. The only time I ever knocked up a t-rex, we couldn't afford to keep it :(.

    • asdfg

      that would probably hurt more during labor

  • wkdfrog

    #4 Awesome. #6 don't get it 😦

    • Where's Dildo

      #6 She's slutty and dresses as such because her dad was never there and she is rebelling against him (e.g. strippers)

      • Lauren

        I enjoyed your (proper) use of "e.g." Thank you for that.

    • Del

      Saying she can see the chicks Vajajay and how many times its been HIT because her dad didnt love her enough….

    • AstroMikeDexter

      #6 is cleverly relating the length (or lack) of skirt to the turbulent upbringing of a young girl that would imply her father missed her dance recitals.

      Short skirt = No father figure = Probable filth wizard of a slut.

      • DB Conor

        "Filth Wizard" is a great name for a band. "Of a Slut," can be their debut album.

        • Swaff

          i would listen to that….

  • misschris

    #29 Not sure if I'm just high, or this was really funny

    • Dr_StrangePants

      I lauged cause I hate babies
      …so there's always that subconscious possibility

      • MylesofStyles

        I laughed at how you wrote "lauged".

    • http://twitter.com/EcksJay22 @EcksJay22

      I hope that it was both!

    • smallchinaman

      If you are unsure if you are high you need to get a different source.

    • qwert

      can't it be both?

  • 617Chiver

    Thank you to #28 for getting my head in the right place on a Monday.

    • Hunter

      I appreciate the shit out of your name – fellow MA chiver

  • tv_paul

    #23 I guess this is kinda of like a game Voltage Russian Roulette.

  • Dan

    #1 Chorus: Soap on the floor! Soap on the floor! Watch out for that soap on the floor! Slip and DIE!!!!!!!

  • CowboyChiver

    #18 So so true…

    • claude

      Stop opening them with your turtle penis.

  • http://www.decentlyfunny.com The Guy

    Thanks Chive! @_theguy_

  • mopmonkey

    Nice collection! Please do this on a semi regular basis.

  • roark

    #6 Huh?

    • FunKiller

      She's got daddy issues.

    • Dr_StrangePants

      Remember Fathers,
      Daddy Issues are have an Direct Correlation to Teenage Promiscuity.
      Every neglected moment from her childhood is an extra inch off the skirt.

  • http://twitter.com/LosSaysSwag @LosSaysSwag

    #6 #23 #24 #26 brb laughing hysterically

  • Zaedrus

    #4 Ha! "Web Documentary!"

  • No.6 is dumb

    #6 what does that even mean!?

    • Umbra Fractus

      Short skirt = She's a slut = She has daddy issues

  • cels0_o

    I find this entertaining.

  • dragon2777

    I have to assume she means cut marks on her thighs

    • matt

      wtf dude!?

      • dragon2777

        so yeah after reading the comments about just the length of the skirt denoting the lack of father figure in her life I realize there were probably no cut marks but i really sis figure that it had to do with some type of marks. BTW my comment was not trolling I just really assumed that.

    • whiskaleafa

      That's what I thought too, hmm maybe I just think of the worst

  • Scuba_Steve33

    You might say this post is Mandatory. Or even Awesome.

  • England Chivette

    Sorry I'm dumb….. Can someone explain #18 please!?

    • Canadodian Reprobate

      And I dumb enough to respond… packaging on this side of the pond is designed by terrorist cells…the "re seal-able tabs and slot and poly bag get completely bastardized, impossible to seal once opened.

      • Canadodian Reprobate

        And I really dumb…shit

    • smallchinaman

      Don't worry about trying to understand it, it was by far the weakest one of the bunch and you aren't missing anything.

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