15. Ray Quick – the Specialist
Not a totally awesome name, but Stallone’s character was almost named “Earl Quick,” so it could have been worse.
14. Rocky Balboa – Rocky
Sly’s best role – loosely based on Rocky Marciano – also has one of the less interesting names.
13. Robert Rath – Assassins
Subtlety was not the Wacowski’s strong point when they named the main characters in Assassins “Rath” and “Bain.”
12. John Rambo – First Blood
The soldier’s name was so indelible that most people just call the movie “Rambo” despite his name not even being in the title.
11. Henry ‘Razor’ Sharp – Grudge Match
Even though the movie was pretty terrible, “Razor” Sharp is a badass name for a boxer.
10. Dean ‘The Dean’ Stevens – Shade
Dean Stevens is a fine name, but when they were deciding what the character’s nickname would be, maybe they could have spent more than 35 seconds thinking about it.
9. Angelo “Snaps” Provolone – Oscar
Another bomb that had Stallone try his hand at comedy. Turns out the only redeeming thing about the film was his ridiculous character name.
8. Kit Latura – Daylight
If you’re going to be trapped in an underground tunnel, you’d be best off doing it with Kit Latura.
7. Raymond Tango – Tango and Cash
You can vouch for Cash all you want, but we’ll take Tango any day.
6. Joe Bomowski – Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot
Roger Ebert claims that this is “one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen,” but that doesn’t change the fact that a “Sgt. Joe Bomowski” would make anyone feel instantly safer.
5. John Spartan – Demolition Man
This dystopian future might be dark, but at least it includes a badass cop named John Spartan.
4. Cosmo Carboni – Paradise Alley
Stallone wrote this mess about two brothers getting into the wrestling business. Unfortunately, the only other famous pop culture “Cosmo” in history is Kramer.
3. “Machine Gun” Joe Viterbo – Death Race 2000
Machine Gun Viterbo is an awesome name for an awesomely underrated movie.
2. Marion “Cobra” Cobretti – Cobra
The codename “Cobra” is so great that we are even willing to overlook the fact that his first name is Marion.
1. Lincoln Hawk – Over the Top
While this doesn’t have much competition for best arm wrestling movie of all time, the name Lincoln Hawk is a slam-dunk and far and away his best work.