Hilarious 19th century tips for scoring a lovely wife (14 Photos)
Nobody had Tinder back in 1883. Even more, they didn’t have TV shows to teach men how to be suave and know what to look for in a woman. Enter minister George W. Hudson. He wrote “The Marriage Guide for Young Men: A Manual of Courtship and Marriage.” It didn’t get very popular, but that doesn’t mean it’s not very entertaining. Here are a few tidbits of advice he had…but it probably wouldn’t be in your best interest to listen to them.
First off, he liked big heads and he could not lie.
“Whenever you see a woman with a good, full, round back head, combined with a good front, you may be sure that she is capable of giving a good degree of energy and pluck to her children; and better still, that full back head denotes that she is well sexed, capable of loving husband and children devotedly, and capable of giving her children a good sexual endowment.”
Large hands are good too… but he mentions the head again.
“Choose for your wife a woman with full bust and good round limbs, as well as a good, large, well-proportioned head- one who can run and walk and lift a good load… What if her waist be a little large, and her hands too? This is a good fault in a woman who is to become a mother.”
Opinionated ladies need not apply.
“Shun as you would shun death the woman who never agrees with anybody, and who never has a good word for anybody… True, you can not always tell by appearances, for Satan often ‘appears as an angel of light,’ but with a little care you can usually determine pretty accurately.”
There aren’t even any words for this weird sports metaphor.
“It is a fact that woman is largely in your power. She was given to be yours. The idea prevails unfortunately, that woman’s virtue is man’s lawful prey- that he has a perfect right to make woman the football of his lust whenever he can.”
the football of his lust….
Of course, make sure she can cook, and don’t believe her lies.
“You will find many who say they can learn: you may be inclined to try one of them. But suppose she should not learn! It is running considerable risk. Think of that fearful period of learning, during which your stomach must be made the receptacle for all sorts of messes, and your home remain in a chaotic state! You may die of dyspepsia, or go mad before she succeeds.”
Whatever you do, don’t marry a woman with ANY kind of disability.
“Why should men with good mental endowment, good physique, good lungs and sound in every part, marry poor, sickly, weak-minded, consumptive, scrofulous women and bring into the world families of children doomed either to sink into premature graves or drag out a sickly, whining existence?”
I mean, I know men don’t appreciate whining… but that’s a little harsh.
Beware of the bedroom, because odds are your girl hates everything about it.
“It will be a quite shock to feminine modesty when she, a pure-minded maiden, shall be called upon to lie down in the same bed with a man. It will seem repulsive at first, because she will feel that lying down robs her of her feminine prerogative, and puts her person in the power of another.”
Don’t marry an old lady, but he doesn’t need to tell you that.
“A man should never marry a woman who is his senior. You will have no inclination, I trust, to do anything of the kind.”
Sometimes nice girls finish last.
“Keep an eye to the natural qualifications of your wife. These have a strong bearing upon your welfare. You do not want any woman simply because she is good. Many good people have very little force of character, very little ability.”
Divorce is a big hell no.
“Command your affections steadfastly to their lawful object; you can if you will, no matter how unfortunate your married life may prove. Better that you do so, and live in a perfect purgatory, than that you incur the awful disgrace and ruin resulting from the desertion of your wife.”
And lastly, above all, persistence is key.
“Besides being the universal aggressor, he is obliged, in nine hundred and ninety nine cases in every thousand, to break her into the harness of passion, by dint of both stratagem and perseverance. When thus broken in, she often pays him in his own coin.
Clearly the movies have been lying to us, love was really, really weird back in the day.