Headlines that actually, literally happened this week

You know what they say: The truth is stranger than fiction. That’s because real life is crazier than anything that the best Hollywood scriptwriter could dream up. Don’t believe us? Ask the Chicago Cubs after that amazing World Series win this week.

But enough about sports — let’s take a tour of the weird things that went down around the world this week. And always remember: You can’t make this stuff up.


1. Patient Burned By Mid-Surgery Explosion When Laser Ignites Fart

A Japanese woman who farted during surgery caused an explosion after a laser ignited her flatulence, according to the Tokyo Medical University Hospital. She apparently broke wind while doctors operated on her cervix, and suffered burns in the ensuing explosion. Ouch.


2. ‘Sell Drugz’ Rapper Accused Of Selling Drugs

Rapper Montana Millz, whose songs include “Sell Drugz,” has been charged with selling drugs in Pennsylvania. The Lebanon County district attorney said the rapper, whose real name is Michael Persaud, and an accomplice sold heroin to an undercover police officer during an investigation.


3. Thief Breaks Into Car, Only Steals Kit Kat Bar

A Kansas State University student left his car unlocked for a few minutes and a Kit Kat bar sitting inside.

When he came back, the candy was gone and the thief left a note: “Saw Kit Kat in your cup holder. I love Kit Kats so I checked your door and it was unlocked. Did not take anything other than the Kit-Kat. I am sorry and hungry.”

Kit Kat has already offered to buy him a new one.


4. Firefighter Injured After Cat Decides It Does Not Want To Be Rescued From Tree

A firefighter in New Zealand was hospitalized after he fell from a tree while trying to rescue a cat. The cat reportedly took exception to being rescued and both the firefighter and cat plunged from the tree. The firefighter was knocked unconscious and the cat was last seen running from the scene.


5. Man Draws Penis Around Pothole To ‘Hasten Repair Work’; Gets Charged With Vandalism

A Florida man was charged with criminal mischief after spray-painting a penis around a pothole. Cliff Pryor said he was merely trying to draw attention to the pothole so it would be “dealt with more promptly.”  He says he was inspired by a British street artist named “Wanksy,” who was inspired by the British street artist Banksy.


6. Grandmother Horrified As Stranger Gives Her Baby Grandson ‘Prolonged’ Kiss On The Lips

A grandmother in England was majorly freaked out after a strange woman approached her in a cafe and demanded to kiss her baby grandson. Before the grandmother could stop her, the stranger held the baby by the cheeks and kissed him on the lips.

“I saw others having lunch looking on in horror as it happened – it was quite a prolonged kiss,” the understandably weirded-out grandmother said.


7. Brexit Will Be A Titanic Success, Says Boris Johnson

The former London mayor said Britain will make a “Titanic success of Brexit,” referring to a referendum by British voters to leave the European Union. Which is weird. Maybe a famous sinking ocean liner isn’t the best thing to compare your country to. Just saying.


8. High School Student Suspended For Extra Chicken Nugget

A student at a Tennessee high school was suspended for one day for taking an extra chicken nugget at lunch time.  Carson Koller, a senior,  was suspended for theft of property after he took six chicken nuggets from the lunch line instead of the usual five. His mother came to the rescue, though, and complained that her son had paid for the extra nugget. The suspension was overturned.


9. Council Error Directs Voters To Hardcore Porn Website

district suffolk porn letter Headlines that actually, literally happened this week

A letter sent to residents in Suffolk, England, left some in shock. Instead of encouraging them to check their voting eligibility, the letter instead directed them to a hardcore porn website. The letter prompted some complaints and an apology from the town government.


10. Man Searching For Toilet Discovers Earliest Human Settlement In Australia

An Australian man searching for a spot to pee (or maybe poop?) stumbled across the oldest-known evidence of Aboriginal settlements in existence. Clifford Coulthard was surveying gorges when nature called and he found evidence of an Aboriginal Australian settlement, which was some 49,000 years old.


11. Alabama Gov.: Alabama’s ‘Education System Sucks’

Alabama Gov. Robert Bentley recently told a conference that, “Our education system in this state sucks.”

Bentley continued: “I don’t use that term very much, but let me tell you. I wanna tell you this: When we are 51st on our NAEP scores in 4th grade math in this state…51st? And we ain’t got but 50 states? That’s pretty sad. And it’s intolerable. And we’re gonna do something about it.”


12. Man Angry Cops Didn’t Have Arrest Warrant For Him Is Jailed

A man in Pennsylvania got what he wanted after throwing a tantrum because he didn’t have any arrest warrants.  Mervin Sollenberger arrived at the Cambria County jail to surrender on outstanding arrest warrants, but police told him there were no warrants for his arrest.

The man reportedly became angry, threatened to assault guards and kicked a steel cage door. He was subsequently arrested and charged with making terroristic threats and disorderly conduct.


13. Cop Gives Himself A Citation For Running Red Light

Officer Tim Glover of the Haines City Police Department in Florida was reviewing red light camera footage when he realized he was one of the scofflaws caught on tape.

While going to get lunch, Glover was making a left turn when the light changed to red. Glover told his boss, who wrote him a ticket.


14. Casino: Woman Shown $43M Jackpot Actually Owed $2.25

A woman who thought she won a  $42.9 million jackpot at a New York City casino was told it was just a malfunction.

Katrina Bookman was playing a slot machine at Resorts World Casino when it displayed a message that read: “Printing Cash Ticket. $42,949,642.76.” But the casino told her it was a mistake and she was only owed the $2.25 balance she had on the machine.


15. Report: Atlanta Not Likely To Survive Zombie Apocalypse

Atlanta would be screwed in the event of a zombie attack, according to a study by CareerBuilder.

The study ranked the 53 largest U.S. metropolitan areas’ chances in the event of a flesh-eating virus that’s transmitted via biting or contact with infected blood. The study considered factors including: ability to defend against the virus, ability to contain the virus, ability to find a cure and ability to outlast the epidemic with an ample food supply. Atlanta’s chances ranked near the bottom, along with Miami, Los Angeles and New York.


16. 19-Year-Old Girl Claims To Be Pregnant With Jesus Christ

haley Headlines that actually, literally happened this week

This 19-year-old girl named Haley told her doctor (ok, it was Dr. Phil) she’s pregnant with Jesus Christ. Her mother and sister are calling shenanigans though, telling Dr. Phil she’s a delusional, compulsive liar. Evidently she also believes Eminem is her father and that she made it onto season 14 of American Idol. Wait, does that make Eminem Jesus’ grandpa??

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