29 things the world didn’t need caffeinated, but here we are…

What’s the world’s most popular drug? Technically speaking, in terms of stuff that changes your brain chemistry and in doing so helps you deal with reality, it’s caffeine. As the magic ingredient in coffee, caffeine fuels and improves the lives of billions, most of whom own a hilarious “don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee!” mug.

So then the entire world is jonesing for caffeine, but lots of people think coffee is too hot, too bitter, or too expensive. Fortunately there are many other ways to get that daily fix besides coffee, or tea, or energy drinks, or sodas, or those energy shot things, or diet pills, or allergy pills: this weird stuff.

 

1. Shower Shock Caffeinated Soap.

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Shower Shock is caffeinated soap. While you’re probably feeling more awake because of the shock of the hot shower or the peppermint scent, the soap does claim that you’ll absorb 200 mg of caffeine through your skin each time you use it, even if that’s not entirely scientifically possible.

Get it for $7.53

 

2. Perky Jerky

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It’s legitimate because it rhymes: Perky Jerky. The “Perky” comes from the fact that it’s caffeinated, and the “Jerky” is because it’s jerky.

Get it for $27.70

 

3. Java Mallows.

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Drinking coffee just takes so long. Sometimes you just want to smash some junk into your mouth all at once, and be done with it and get on with your day. Enter CaffeMallows: coffee-flavored marshmallows infused with up to 280 mg each.

Get it for $5.99

 

4. Wired Waffles.

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A waffle and coffee in the morning? Maybe if you’ve got hours to spend on breakfast and also two hands to hold both of those things. Introducing Wired Waffles, which are infused with both maple syrup and 200 milligrams of caffeine each. Plus, this product was featured on Shark Tank, so you know it’s good.

Get it for $30

 

5. Bang Ice Cream.

 

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They found a way to make ice cream even more unhealthy. The aptly-named Bang!! (the double exclamation points are theirs) is loaded with 125 mg of caffeine in every scoop.

Get it here.

 

6. Double Kick Hot Sauce.

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DoubleKick is not only an unnecessarily caffeinated product, it’s another entry in the ridiculously crowded hot sauce market. But this Sriracha-like stuff at least has caffeine in it: 12 mg per tablespoon. That’s not a lot of caffeine overall, but it’s more than there is in Tabasco, which doesn’t have any.

Get it for $27.00

 

7. Energy Sunseeds.

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A bag of Sumseeds (which come in five flavors, including Honey BBQ and Dill Pickle) has about as much caffeine as four cups of coffee, which should give you more than enough energy to pick up all those gross sunflower seeds you just spit onto the ground.

Get it for $2.99

 

8. Pure Genius Bloody Mary Mix.

Sriracha + Wasabi Bloody Mary Recipe HERE

The perfect morning-after drink is said to help pull you out of that hangover because the little bit of vodka in there is just enough “hair of the dog.” But you’ve got things to do after brunch, so there’s the Pure Genius Bloody Mary Mix that’s got the requisite tomato juice and hot sauce but also a cup of coffee’s worth of caffeine.

 

9. Smart Energy Cookies.

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Chocolate has a little bit of caffeine in it, but not much. But if you put a whole bunch of chocolate chips together in a cookie, you could get something going, especially if you also infuse that chocolate chip cookie with as much energy as there is in a cup of coffee, which is what Get Up and Go have done.

Get it for $29.99

 

10. Bang Fuel Popcorn.

 

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A handful or so of BioFuel Caffeinated Popcorn packs around 30 mg of caffeine, which is almost enough to get you through Manchester by the Sea.

Get it for $49.99

 

11. Awake Energy Granola Bars.

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Like all granola bars, they seem healthy, but they aren’t. Awake Bars combine rolled oats, sugar, syrup, and a massive wallop of caffeine.

Get it for $18.99

 

12. Lip balm.

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Getting caffeine into the body is important. So important that you don’t have time to actually get it into your body. This is the time for Spazzstick, the caffeinated lip balm.

Get it for $2.99

 

13. Breath spray.

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The one thing everybody should have after a cup of coffee is some breath spray, because coffee breath is bad. Or, we could all skip the coffee entirely and just use Primer.

Get it here.

 

14. Breath mints.

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Pop one of these after a cup of coffee to keep the party going.

Get it for $18.99

 

15. Jelly beans.

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You can tell that these Extreme Sport Beans by Jelly Belly are totally extreme to the max because they have 50 mg of caffeine per serving. (They’ve also got electrolytes and vitamins added in to replace all the stuff your body can lose when it was processes all that caffeine.)

Get it for $23.50

 

16. Shaving cream.

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Caffeine jitters and a razor. A recipe for success!

Get it for $5.49

 

17. Starburst-like candy chew things.

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Chewable caffeine. Finally.

Get it for $24.65

 

18. Gum.

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Chewable caffeine that you have to spit out when you’re done. Finally.

Get it for $7.99

 

19. Chocolate.

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For the caffeine addict and the chocoholic.

Get it for $24.95

 

20. An alarm clock you can swallow.

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Take two “Wake Up on Time” capsules before bed, and they’ll supposedly release little amounts of caffeine right before you wake up, so when you do wake up, you’re alert. Okay.

Get it for $14.44

 

21. Caffeinated vape pen.

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This is how robots get their caffeine.

Get it for $7.99

 

22. “Passion Caffeinated Energy Lubricant.”

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If you’re not awake enough to have sex, you shouldn’t be having sex, though.

Get it for $5.25

 

23. “Caffeine Infused Shapewear.”

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Caffeine is a stimulant, which means it can also help you lose weight. The company who made these says that if you wear these undergarments, they push caffeine into the body, and can help tighten up those problem areas around the thighs. Sure. Fine.

 

24. Deodorant.

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“Sante Homme II Caffeinated Deodorant” makes you not smell bad and also can wake you up faster than your own foul smell could.

 

25. Caffeinated Bud.

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Budweiser’s Be (pronounced “B-to-the-E”) was introduced in 2004 and discontinued not too long after, even though it allowed drinkers to “Wake up and dull the senses at the same time,” said one beer aficionado.

 

26. “Nuts of Destruction.”

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These caffeinated peanuts will provide all the “gamer fuel” you’ll ever need.

 

27. Patches

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Transdermal patches: They’re not just for people trying to quit smoking anymore.

Get it here.

28. Powder?

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Just sprinkle it on whatever. (WARNING: This is not cocaine.)

 

29. Water Joe.

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Water Joe is caffeinated water—it’s got about as much as a Coke or a Pepsi. So then all the effects of coffee (or soda, really) but without the taste of…well, anything.

Get it for $22.75

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