Another week, another list of the funniest Tweets I had time to find! Enjoy them and/or enjoy bitching about how you didn’t enjoy them in the comments below.
Just told a guy talking on his phone in the library to shut the fuck up, and everyone applauded me, so I told them to shut the fuck up too.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) October 17, 2011
Do you think caterpillars get hyped for their high school reunion after turning into a butterfly but then find out that *everyone* pupated
— Daniel "Kibblesmith" (@kibblesmith) April 11, 2017
me: [answers phone in meeting] "this better be important"
wife: "i think we're having a baby"
me: [sighs] "you told me that 9 months ago"
— k e e t 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) April 7, 2017
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
COP: lets get taco bell
COP: text ur ex
COP: ok ur good
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) January 8, 2016
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that's like 7000 ducks
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) November 14, 2015
Guy: Why does everyone call you "Gross Gary"?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
— huntigula (@huntigula) December 16, 2015
Dear God, just some customer feedback: to make childbirth less painful, why not make babies turd sized and have em come out our butts maybe?
— Aaaaaaahhhhhhhm 🌆 (@Ahm76) April 12, 2017
God: *making Eve from Adam's rib*
Adam: That's a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) June 21, 2016
(Interview to be a hot dog vendor at a baseball park)
INTERVIEWER: how loud can you yell 'hot dogs'?
ME: (eyes go completely black) HOT DOGS
— Michael Raphone, Sr. (@michael_raphone) June 21, 2015
We get it poets: things are like other things
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) September 8, 2014
Wonder what my high school bf is up to…
(unspools Legolas poster)
Oh wow he's still doing archery that's cool
— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) November 12, 2015
[me as a pharaoh]
ME: make a massive fuckin cat statue
ARCHITECT: got it
[cut to me drunk texting at 2am]
ME: put my face on that cat
— tomsauced (@trojansauce) February 17, 2017
Part of being an adult is "We got food at the house"-ing yourself
— Jackie Brown (@KendaddyDoe) April 10, 2017
MOSES: Maybe if you talked to Pharaoh directly we could avoid violence altogether…
GOD: [sharpening knife and smiling] No. You tell him.
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) April 12, 2017