Another week, another list of the funniest Tweets I had time to find! Enjoy them and/or enjoy bitching about how you didn’t enjoy them in the comments below.
I have resting 'I read the news' face.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) April 28, 2017
There’s debate over whether social media makes you dumb or merely reveals pre-existing dumbness, but I’m here to tell you it’s both somehow
— Hippo (@InternetHippo) April 23, 2017
me: time to go to bed after a long and stressful day
brain: hold up real quick just one question whats the scariest thing you can think of
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) April 25, 2017
[my HS bully drives up while I'm working the drive-thru]
ME: who's taking whose lunch money now bitch
— Brandon the Cow (@Brampersandon_) May 1, 2017
It's cute how they say "missed calls" and not "avoided calls".
— Raspberry Jam (@Jenny4ashley) January 24, 2016
ME: Do we or do we not ride our bikes at the same speed?
BIKER: OK, but you need to stop saying we “synchronize our cycles.”
— R.E.W. (@therealeatwood) October 2, 2015
Me: You've made a huge mistake.
— Comedic Bust (@ComedicBust) April 21, 2017
I'm tired of people assuming I've got a good personality because I'm ugly.
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) April 13, 2017
"Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?" I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) January 9, 2016
Dude tried to hit on me with a bag of those big squishy old-timey peanut candies. NO THANKS. I prefer a guy with un-circus-sized peanuts.
— Eliza Skinner (@elizaskinner) July 30, 2012
Reading a poetry anthology. Favorite poem so far: "Table of Contents"
lots of allusions to other poems in that one
— Colin Burgess (@Colinoscopy) April 28, 2017
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Interviewer: what's your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) May 1, 2017
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
— cupcake (@Chumpstring) September 6, 2015
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
— Sasshole (@RidiculousSheri) May 26, 2014
My parrot died today. Its last words were, "Fuck, I think my parrot is about to die."
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 13, 2016
Your husband is a in a better place, Mrs. Smith. He's in the stomach of a shark now. How badass is that
— Michael, still here (@Home_Halfway) April 30, 2014
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He's getting married, Karen
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) August 17, 2016
Online is a cesspool. Can’t wait to go out later
Ohh this is much worse
— Hippo (@InternetHippo) April 29, 2017