Another week, another list of the funniest Tweets I had time to find! Enjoy them and/or enjoy bitching about how you didn’t enjoy them in the comments below.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
— eric (@ericsshadow) January 15, 2016
My friend's toddler babbled "don't forget to subscribe" as he was put to bed. Kid watches so much YouTube he thought it means "goodbye"
— Tom Gara (@tomgara) May 6, 2017
Me: never assume
Wife: because it makes an ass of u and me?
Me: what did i just say diane
— Fro Vo (@fro_vo) April 28, 2017
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That's pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It'll be a cable TV installer.
— Ray (@SirEviscerate) May 3, 2017
BANK TELLER: to open an account I'll need a first name
BT: and a last?
BT: so ur Robin Dabanc
Me: *slowly reveals gun*
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) December 29, 2016
I typed 18 beers into my calorie counting app, and it uninstalled itself.
— summerofbenny (@summerofbenny) April 7, 2013
If someone at Starbucks talked to you the way strangers on Twitter do, your face would get hot telling that story for the rest of your life.
— Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) May 8, 2017
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We'll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he's lost a lot of candy
— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) May 7, 2017
SINGER: hows everyone doin tonight
ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): it's actually been a tough few months
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) May 9, 2017
I haven't trusted anyone since q-tip started rebranding their product as "not for ears."
— lorraine (rad 2.0) (@whiskybingo) February 20, 2017
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him.
— Michael, still here (@Home_Halfway) February 9, 2014
It's surprising that Encyclopedia Brown's classmates didn't nickname "Fucking Nerd."
— Brian Boone (@brianbooone) May 9, 2017
WAITRESS: How do you like your eggs
ME: Sunny side up
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *spins around* Actually the sun doesn't go up or down, earth rota
— Michael, still here (@Home_Halfway) May 9, 2017