Another week, another list of the funniest Tweets I had time to find! Enjoy them and/or enjoy bitching about how you didn’t enjoy them in the comments below.
me: [pretends to cough to cover up a fart]
my friend in the back part of our two person horse costume: are you kidding me
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) May 9, 2017
Back when I was a kid it required incredible, angry dedication to drop a phone into a toilet.
— Doctor Happyknuckles (@drhappyknuckles) May 7, 2017
Whenever I see "Comments Disabled" beneath a YouTube video I'm like "Shit. Went. Down."
— Brandon Scott Wolf (@BrandonEsWolf) May 11, 2017
wife: Drive safe
wife *sends text*
wife *sends another text*
wife *sends another text asking why I'm not responding to her texts*
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) April 10, 2017
adulthood is emailing "sorry for the delayed response!" back and forth until one of you dies
— Marissa Miller (@Marissa__Miller) February 26, 2016
Who the fuck is this asshole?
Me- every time someone drives down my street.
— NoUCantBangMe (@MelissaJoy33) August 13, 2013
WAITER: Room for dessert?
[flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts]
ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don't have one of those.
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) September 2, 2015
i'm great!! i'm good i'm doing good hahaha. i mean "well" haha! haha i'm doing well, not good! haha i'm not doing good! im not doing so good
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) September 2, 2016
in what section of my resume do I put drinking wine in the shower special skills or work experience
— Chelsea Nachman (@chelseanachman) January 26, 2016
[me after 1 minute of jogging] this is good, this was a good decision
[me after 3 minutes of jogging] life is suffering, there is no god
— ibid (@ibid78) April 8, 2015
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) March 15, 2016
Me: Spirit, answer this one question—do you like me?
Board: R E A D 1 2 : 3 7 P M
— R.E.W. (@therealeatwood) August 14, 2016
"Anybody here named Jeff?"
— Matt Tobey (@mtobey) January 21, 2016
Champagne for my real friends. Champagne for my fake friends also cause I don't know how to tell people off.
— Kat Combs (@itskatcombs) May 18, 2017
[ordering cake over phone]
"and what would you like the cake to say?"
[covers phone to ask wife]
"do we want a talking cake?"
— k e e t 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) June 8, 2015
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
"both are nice"
[wife calls later]
"how'd it go"
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
— brent (@murrman5) September 22, 2014