Another week, another list of the funniest Tweets I had time to find! Enjoy them and/or enjoy bitching about how you didn’t enjoy them in the comments below.
1.
me: [pretends to cough to cover up a fart]
my friend in the back part of our two person horse costume: are you kidding me— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) May 9, 2017
2.
Back when I was a kid it required incredible, angry dedication to drop a phone into a toilet.
— Doctor Happyknuckles (@drhappyknuckles) May 7, 2017
3.
wyd after smoking this? pic.twitter.com/9zHqIvEJV7
— ️ (@sryimnate) May 16, 2017
4.
Whenever I see "Comments Disabled" beneath a YouTube video I'm like "Shit. Went. Down."
— Brandon Scott Wolf (@BrandonEsWolf) May 11, 2017
5.
wife: Drive safe
me: Ok
wife *sends text*
wife *sends another text*
wife *sends another text asking why I'm not responding to her texts*— Josh (@iwearaonesie) April 10, 2017
6.
adulthood is emailing "sorry for the delayed response!" back and forth until one of you dies
— Marissa Miller (@Marissa__Miller) February 26, 2016
7.
me: i'm an opinionated woman woman who knows what she wants
anyone: what do u wanna eat
me: pic.twitter.com/gdhrv0ScXB— got damn 47 (@carmenhatesu) October 25, 2016
8.
Who the fuck is this asshole?
Me- every time someone drives down my street.
— NoUCantBangMe (@MelissaJoy33) August 13, 2013
9.
At the very least, you've got to use a smaller font, guys. pic.twitter.com/nlnoymR96h
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) May 5, 2017
10.
WAITER: Room for dessert?
[flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts]
ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don't have one of those.
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) September 2, 2015
11.
i'm great!! i'm good i'm doing good hahaha. i mean "well" haha! haha i'm doing well, not good! haha i'm not doing good! im not doing so good
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) September 2, 2016
12.
On days like today I'm glad I have this @50cent tweet framed over my bed for motivation. pic.twitter.com/mYLgTJ7NbB
— Grant Whitson (@OMFGrant) September 1, 2014
13.
Reason #1: You're using the wrong kind of phone. pic.twitter.com/UdCtQ0dbTn
— McKay Coppins (@mckaycoppins) May 1, 2014
14.
in what section of my resume do I put drinking wine in the shower special skills or work experience
— Chelsea Nachman (@chelseanachman) January 26, 2016
15.
I put these glasses on chuck and he hasn't tried to take them off for like 20 min…. he is really serving that look rn pic.twitter.com/skRpJwtMYd
— Mia (@aimmiat) April 28, 2017
16.
— Ryan Broderick (@broderick) May 17, 2017
17.
when u just quiet listening to ur parents go off on u pic.twitter.com/BDkDFQuzy6
— ️ (@sryimnate) May 15, 2017
18.
[me after 1 minute of jogging] this is good, this was a good decision
[me after 3 minutes of jogging] life is suffering, there is no god— ibid (@ibid78) April 8, 2015
19.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) March 15, 2016
20.
[Ouija Board]
Me: Spirit, answer this one question—do you like me?
Board: R E A D 1 2 : 3 7 P M
— R.E.W. (@therealeatwood) August 14, 2016
21.
"Anybody here named Jeff?"
Jeff: "Yes"
Geoff: "Yeos"— Matt Tobey (@mtobey) January 21, 2016
22.
Education is vital pic.twitter.com/ZPxh0rEmyr
— Timmy Nuetrom (@leagalicious) May 15, 2017
23.
Champagne for my real friends. Champagne for my fake friends also cause I don't know how to tell people off.
— Kat Combs (@itskatcombs) May 18, 2017
24.
[ordering cake over phone]
"and what would you like the cake to say?"
[covers phone to ask wife]
"do we want a talking cake?"— k e e t 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) June 8, 2015
25.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
"both are nice"
[wife calls later]
"how'd it go"
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster— brent (@murrman5) September 22, 2014
