My panic sweat glands jump into emergency mode busting open like a military operation and my vagina zips itself up to my back immediately before I’ve even had a chance to turn my head.
I look up to see a moving smudge of color in a ‘my little pony’ night gown rubbing its eyes and whining.
I pray to the baby Jesus that we have a poltergeist and I also pray it’s legally blind.
My vision is blurred with both the sheer fright and with truth tears over fears of who I’ll find behind the blur of doom.
I knew the answer.
In that same split second, I hear a small girl scream. It’s Joe, it was the noise accompanied by him leaping off me higher than a kangaroo hurdler while very nearly giving himself a home circumcision from the ceiling fan in the process.
I watched him, almost in slow motion fly through the air in panic, the anaconda swerving all over the place threatening to strangle me to death in the act.
Seriously, the thing nearly slapped me in the face and blackened the eyes off me on it’s jump up there.
I sit up in a rush, my arse is still lingering up at my throat where it jumped and hid at the first “m” of “mammy”. My hair is looking like I’ve just had the misfortune of science project exploding in my face. Joe is huddled in the corner of the room under a white duvet, rocking back and forth like he’s going through an exorcism all the while muttering pleads to Jesus under his breath that this isn’t happening.
After another few blinks, my vision becomes clear and I see.
It’s Frankie, my poor poor misfortunate child.
She’s standing at the side of our bed.
For how long?
Who fucking knowsssss!!!