In Vegas for a bachelor party. I was 21 or 22 at the time. Got wasted. Made a bet with a friend while we were out at the club: “If you’re wrong, you have to pretend to be British the rest of the night.”I lost. I was British.
Met a girl, who started talking to me because she overheard me saying some bullshit to my friends in a British accent. She thought that I was British. I went with it. I slept with said girl. Had to wake up hungover the next morning and continue to be British. She said that we should hang out again that night. Sure. Meet said girl, and she’s brought all of her friends – who all think that I’m British. So I’m British again, but around more people. My friends are dying every time I talk. One tried to be Australian around the girl’s friends, but was called out for being a fraud. My fraudulence continued to go unnoticed. Had to answer all kinds of questions about my life and childhood.
I had never been to the U.K. Fortunately, I was an English lit major, and also watched a 3 or 4 British movies. Mostly Monty Python. Thus, I was more or less an expert on all things British. I got tired of doing the accent. So I started saying deliberately incorrect things about England to see if someone would call me out (more fun than randomly admitting it). Turns out that 21 year old American women are too dumb to know a fucking thing about England, so they were incapable of pointing out my bullshit.
I like to think that, to this day, 12 years later, there are girls out there who think that the British invented tea and only drink it on Wednesdays, that Cromwell was a benevolent leader who gave out free pheasant to the impoverished Irish, that James Bond was written by an Indian guy, and that the only reason that Brits are known to dress nicely is because it’s illegal to not wear a tie on weekdays. The accent took over my mind so completely that, when a guy in line at that restroom said something to me (in a very clearly English accent), I instinctively responded in an English accent. He got excited. I realized what I had done, but just went with it. He introduced me to his friends (mates). They mentioned that they couldn’t pinpoint where I was from. I told them my mom was American and I lived half my life in Maine (bullshit), and that’s why I have a strange accent. They went with it. Brought the Brits back to our group. So now I had British homies. My friends couldn’t believe it. I’ve entered British Level 5,000. So many level ups in so short a time. Fucked that girl again. Even talked dirty to her. Didn’t know how to talk dirty Britishly. I said “I’ve come” instead of “I’m coming.” Thought that the present perfect made dirty talk sound more British than the standard present continuous. I laughed at my own bullshit. The British are coming, indeed. I admitted to her the next day that I wasn’t British. She didn’t believe me, and refused to accept that I was American.
So fuck it, I was British for another half a day. Thanks Maggie, for the good time, and for believing in me. That’s when I realized that I really could be anything that I wanted to be. -Giro_di_dante