• touchmybigbird

    All day ever day

    • Ay Fakahh

      #16 Best game ever

  • El_profe

    #15 that's right, and apparently they've all slept with my mother…

    • Yo Yo Ma

      reminds me of George Carlin's line: "how come we think everyone who drives slower than us on the highway is an asshole and everyone who drives faster is a maniac!"

    • Sminos

      Your mom too? I thought it was only mine.

      • imdowngetme

        And also I'm a ni**er even tho I'm not..

      • Alex_5280

        If video games have taught me anything, it's that everyone has slept with my mother at some point or another.

    • ToC

      And we're all gay

      • Carl

        Yep, and I don't even play video games.

    • celticsquid

      Damn, mine too. Our moms get around.

      • Brutal_Deluxe

        Yeah, my mom's a huge slut. By the way, what are video games?

    • yoadrian

      I didn't even know they knew my mother…

    • MattyDeuce

      Strange that they all know all of our moms. Are you all gay too?

  • Larry

    #6. I need to see that barber.

    • timothyphelps


      • Larry

        Yea that was a fail.

    • placenta_smoothie


      • nono no


  • Larry

    D'oh i mean #7

  • Lil John

    Yep. Prettymuch just like that.

  • bigd

    #13. Defibrillators heal all wounds, common knowledge.

    • mrjimmyos

      Psch, and doctors think they slow heartrates, I think games and movies show us they do the exact opposite!

      • Brutal_Deluxe

        Just don't use them on your schlong. It smarts.

        • chicago

          smarts…perhaps. or it might make you ejact. so hard your schlong would turn itself inside out like a defensive sea cucumber. ouch.

      • Blato

        Defribullators are all great when theyre saving lives but it sucks cus someone always pisses in your pants when they use them on you

        • mrjimmyos

          And all this time I've been dipping peoples hands in water when they sleep. Well no more!

  • Tim

    #9 the same thing works on a girls g spot but you virgins wouldn't know that :p

    • nepster

      You pushed hard on a g spot? Man, your sister must of been uncomfortable and pissed. Guys with common sense and actual experience with women know you don't "push" on the g spot.

    • Yessirr

      That was a very telling statement. I don't think you achieved your desired result.

    • wiool

      Saying "you virgins" in a sentence usually mean you're either a virgin yourself or very recently not a virgin anymore.
      In all cases it means you are less than 16 YO

      • Urethra Franklin

        Great Detective work Johnson!

    • Csquared303

      Virgin level 100

    • Dude

      the same things works on your mom, too

    • thedude325

      I remember my first beer…

  • http://twitter.com/Chris_Bates14 @Chris_Bates14

    oh the gaming memories!!

    • Ned Ryerson

      no memories, this is every day life!

  • monocogger

    #2 Not sure if troll or unaware that he's hitting them with his fist.

    • Kyle429

      Doesn't matter. How can he break brick blocks with his own strength, yet dies when he touches a freakin' turtle shell? Makes no sense, yet I still love Mario.

      • sean

        duh, turtles carry super-aids

    • Brutal_Deluxe

      If you angled the jump right he would miss with his fist and bash the crown of his head into the bricks. It's amazing that I know this but have no idea what a woman looks like naked.

      • Kyle429

        That's probably why you don't know what a naked woman looks like….

    • Mike

      That makes it kind of worse.

  • Bradyized

    #6 hahaha awesome.

  • Lolz

    #14 Bulbasaur , use "CUT" … Moehaha …

    • ColaChiver

      dafuq is a bulbasaur?

      • D-Wiz

        someone's never played pokemon.. i feel sorry for your childhood

        • Vegeta

          but still, who chooses bulbasaur?

          • D-Wiz

            he's one of the few characters in the game who can cut down the plants in your way. i played a lot of pokemon red on my game boy when i was a kid lol never beat it though. don't think i ever got around that damn snorlax..

            • Definitely

              You never beat it? How can you have played it so much and never beat it?

              • D-Wiz

                your a.d.d. must have kicked in after 'never beat it'. see the sentence that follows.. this was about 15 years ago. frustration led to playing dr mario and kirby. two other games i also didn't beat.. is that cool wit u?

                • lolzersauce

                  No its not!

                  • D-Wiz

                    lol fair enough! maybe i'll dust off the gameboy again and try to redeem myself 😉

    • http://www.thechive.com AdamBaldick

      Sorry I know were all somewhat nerds here man, but fuck come on

  • Willie

    #3 Getting real with the fantasy here, and yes I get it is a joke…but you try running with a pack, kevlar, flak, water, weapons and ammo for 15 seconds.

    • Dick Salad

      ^Tthis… Seriously… My combat load would either include a fucking impossible to comfortably carry SMAW with an ungainly rocket, or a 25lb satchel charge as well.

    • moX

      It's the comparison between the elite soldier and the fat Italian plumber

      • Dick Salad

        It would only be logical to put the .gif's together rather have them spread out throughout the post. I don't quite think that was meant as a comparison and highly doubt the originators are the same.

        • boll

          .jpg nerd

    • https://www.facebook.com/DannoRules Danno Maurer

      Those teenage mutant ninja turtles run for hours with all that stuff in their shell.

    • untamedride

      um. i have, and 15 seconds is nothing. Try doing 5 miles…

      • Twk

        Yeah no doubt….

      • Dick Salad

        You aren't running for 5 miles in a full combat load. We aren't talking about a normal PT run. Eight years in the infantry bud. A normal 5 mile PT run isn't shit. I seriously doubt you have ever been on a 5 mile run in a full combat load *raises the bullshit flag*

        • Dr_Fap

          Dick Salad- Claims that "a normal 5 mile PT run isn't shit", can't run for 15 seconds with gear. You obviously are not elite.

          • Dick Salad

            Kevlar, Flack Jacket (with SAPI platesx2), Camelback and 2x full canteens, 6-8 fully loaded magazines, 8lb rifle, Leg holster with m9 and 4-6 additional magazines, modular vests and pouches containing map gear, gps, and miscellaneous bullshit… Mk153 SMAW w/ a rocket (17 lbs)

            Not to mention how fucking awkward it is to wear all this gear… What do I know though?

            • Dr_Fap

              You know how to use Google to get answers like "What equipment is in a full combat load" and "What does a full combat load weigh". You also know that you are not elite and were probably in the Army. Even non-infantry Marines can run for 15 seconds.

              • Dick Salad

                Out of the 50ish people that went to MEPS with me back in 2002 before getting shipped to boot camp, I was the only person there who enlisted into the Marines… I don't really need validation from someone that clearly talks out of their ass though. I'm a Suicide Marine through and through. Probably sounds bad to anyone who has no knowledge Marine infantry units though haha…

                2 guidons bitch

                • A Marine

                  5 miles through sand, up sugar cookie, and dragons back. death runs, god i hate those

              • Patriot

                Dr_Fap, If this man is in fact a soldier, fuck you for bashing on his service. He's more man than you, willing to step up and fight for this great country. Fight on Dick Salad

                • Cali

                  LOL you were being serious and said "Fight on Dick Salad"

                • Dr_Fap

                  He is not a soldier, he is a Marine. It turns out that I am a Marine too, so I have taken the same risk that you mention. I do not know how you came to the conclusion that he is more man than me…Wait…Where you the midget that just ran out from under the table with a ruler in your hand? You scared me half to death as you ran out of my office giggling.

                • Kris

                  Yeah, who knows if he beats his wife, abuses his kids, throws his dogs off a cliff, is an alcoholic, or just a general all-around asshole. He "served", therefore he's better than everyone. Get the military's dick out of your mouth and think for yourself.

          • Dick Salad

            Running 5 miles in PT gear, or boots & utes is a cake walk… Throw all that gear on though and then give it a try… get back to me when you're done.

            • http://www.youtube.com/user/ADHDavenger13?feature=mhsn Firefighter23

              I just remember something, its a god damn video game!

            • Dr_Fap

              That fact that I am a Marine who was active duty Force Recon, I would say "been there, done that".

              • MattyDeuce

                With you there, buddy, although Airborne, not Recon….and we can all clearly say that if you are in a combat zone, and can't make it longer than 15 seconds, you aren't coming out of the combat zone.

              • Brandon

                You are not a marine. I don't know why you are saying that you are. You waited until someone called out your shit to claim that you were a marine. I'm personally a reservist and I have disagreed with everything you've said. If anything you would have agreed with dick salad right away. Who googles that shit?

                • Dr_Fap

                  Do you always play all of your cards at once, because I don't. What do you think drew me into this discussion? Probably the same reason you read it, because you are in the military. I am Marine enough to still remember my general orders from boot camp, the Marine's Hymn and how bad ass Chesty Puller was. I also know that weekend warriors are all POGs.

    • Ummagumma

      In the words of Homer Simpson, "NERD!!!!"

      • For Serious

        In the words of Ogar, "Neerrrrrdss!"

    • Cantaloupe

      Isn't this sprint vs run? Are people unaware that humans can move at different speeds?

    • crawdad

      Giving the kudos for being 'leet' military service to everyone who posted in this post that is a service member.

      That said, STFU with your bragging. Nobody cares. Thanks for your service but stay humble and quit trying to prove yourselves on a freakin' open forum. The only thing you are doing is trying to put trolls down with your words and boosting your own egos.

      It's kinda pathetic really.

      • MattyDeuce

        Who, exactly, did I put down with my comments again?

    • Sindar

      15 second sprints in patrol order is tough. Having to do it 30 more times with 5 seconds rest is torture.

  • http://thinkrandomness.blogspot.com beserker

    #5 best Armour ever!

    • https://thechive.com F3n1x187

      Sh!t so fancy…….

    • kcco

      game is?

      • Random


    • http://echogeo.wordpress.com/ echogeo

      Time for some hottie to cosplay her in a post.

    • Janmeeba

      I guess some people want even higher level armour for her.

      Highest perhaps?

  • Shiguy

    #14 my everyday life.

    • http://www.facebook.com/osiris916 Ricky Harris

      Story of my life

  • 3L!T3 H4cK3R

    Every kill due to skill, every death due to lag.

    • https://www.facebook.com/missgamer84 Jessica Condrey

      lol yes!

      30-1 Kill Death ratio, You can't explain that!

      Camping 😉

      • 3L!T3 H4cK3R

        So you're the bastard that keeps killing me!

        • yann


    • Dr_Fap

      Lag or because "the asshole got lucky"

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=606371253 Shannon Coverdale

    #6 Pisses me off

    • Temper Temper

      Because you have a girls name, or because you're a fat plumber?

      • Shannon Coverdale

        I don't know, but your mother is a whore.

  • mrjimmyos

    #7 I could never really get over this haha

    • Alex_5280

      Why do you think the haircut costs $250? Magic-fro-formula ain't cheap

  • http://www.facebook.com/james.munn.9 James Munn

    #15 Enough said.

  • The Bandit

    #2…turtles are mean! Very fierce creatures…people stumble over them on a daily basis, dangerous…

  • http://www.facebook.com/tj.huddleston Tj Huddleston

    all enemies have a telepathic link and x-ray vision so they all know exactly where you are all the time

    • https://www.facebook.com/missgamer84 Jessica Condrey

      Commit a crime in one city.
      All guards know in all cities.

  • potato

    #13 It's no different to CoD fanboys because they're kids and a bunch of fatasses that smells like mountain dew and ritalin.

    • potato

      PS: that would be #3 ….my bad

      • Johnny K.

        #1 I take it you're a noob…

        • Johnny K.

          PS: that would be #15… my bad

    • lentinant

      Kinda… no defibrillators in CoD, they are in BF3

    • tudu

      Potato, ignore all the CoD fanboys downvoting you, you are 100%correct.

  • MrN00DLE

    #15 Brilliant!
    Oh, and dont forget the pissed of noob wanting to show up at your doorstep to kick your ass.

  • http://alwayscivil.blogspot.com BostonRugger

    #15 Or they hack

  • clyde

    #5 What game is this from

    • Ispano


    • wdh

      wtf.. i have the weirdest video game boner.. didn't think it was possible..

  • Guest

    Slow day on the Chive, huh? There aren't 20,000 Chivettes that submitted shots and want to be online…sigh.. We gotta do video games….ok. Love the Chive. But sometimes, this just kills me.

    • jake

      I think it's because of E3 this week.
      But you have a point though.

    • The_Dood

      Video games have been present around here for as long as I've been Chiving…

    • wdh

      dude.. there's google and various porn sites to keep your palmela handerson happy.

    • tempest

      Don't knock it. Most of us girls wouldn't go to a strictly soft porn site regularly, let alone submit photos without expecting payment. This is the Chivette bait.

      • tempest

        Come for the comedy, stay for the thousands of guys offering to fuck you in the ass… I don't really get it either, but it certainly seems to work.

        • Brutal_Deluxe

          Does just offering work? Sometimes I lose confidence and hint at it without coming right out and saying it. Any advice you can give would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.

          • https://www.facebook.com/missgamer84 Jessica Condrey

            Video Games saved me from depression.

            True Story.

            • MmFooFoo

              Mind if I fuck you in your ass?

    • Betsy

      The Chive is much much more than just Chivettes!!!

    • Nickincollege

      Posts like this on the Chive existed before Chivettes did. True story.

    • Dr_Batman

      Then don't click on it. Jesus.

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