While it’s always fun to poke at your buddy about the soft two that he drunkenly hooked up with during Spring Break your senior year, his wedding isn’t the place for it. It’s all good to make a quick nod towards the past, but save the serious cringe and avoid the details. You’re not as funny as you think.
You may not be able to pull of a full blown comedy routine, but you’ve got to throw in a few laughs to keep the crowd going. Maybe try out a few cheesy one-liners to humor the dads in the room, but avoid the joke about your best friend having a tiny dick. That joke’s overused, anyways.
Remember that kid in grade school who did everything in his power to try and make people laugh, but consistently failed miserably? Yeah? Don’t be that guy. Nobody likes a funny guy that isn’t funny. It’s like watching a porno for the acting scenes. Nobody wants to see that.
The days of winging it are long gone when it comes to the best man speech. You may think, “yeah dude, I got this.” If this is your plan, then you’re on the path to bombing hard. Grab a note card, pour yourself a nice glass of whiskey, and think about what you’re going to say a few nights before the wedding. Hell, the better the speech goes, the better your chances of getting laid after the wedding.
I, me, my, mine. Yeah, throw those words out. You may be the best man, but nobody is coming to the wedding to see you, with the exception of the groom’s awkwardly sexual aunt Barbara. But really, steer clear of the personal pronouns and make your speech about the happily married couple. Save the words about yourself for your Tinder profile.
Remember, not everyone in the room knows how you and the groom got to this point, so it’s best to share a great story. Everyone likes a good story. Bring up some of the old college days, talk about childhood, or even mention the time he got caught by his mom while losing his virginity. Okay, maybe you can leave that one out.
*Cue Jeopardy Music*
But seriously, balance is key and if you take more that five minutes to say your shit, you’re going to kill the entire vibe. Plus, the bride’s dad spent good money on the venue for the next three hours, so do yourself the favor and don’t waste his money. It most likely won’t work out in your favor.
Everyone knows that you’re there to support the groom, but make sure not to forget about the bride. After all, this day is all about them, not just him. Nothing is worse than making the bride feel like she doesn’t belong, especially after you just violated her trust by hiring 12 strippers for the bachelor party the week before. You owe it to her.
The period between the ceremony and the reception is going to require some serious self-control. Don’t find yourself eight shots and three beers deep before sitting down for dinner. Pace yourself before you end up drunkenly spilling the beans that you think the bride’s mom is an absolute smokeshow. Maybe she is, but save yourself the embarrassment.
There’s nothing better than just being yourself and keeping things simple. Keep it light and tight, and remember, this is your moment to shine. Don’t fuck it up!
