If the New York Times slogan is “All the news that’s fit to print” then perhaps a slogan for our weekly dive into the seediest, most bizarre headlines from around the world might be “All the news that’s unfit to even mention, and even if we did, most people probably wouldn’t believe us because, WTF?” Ok, maybe that’s not super catchy, but we’re out here making sure you know how weird this past week was nonetheless. So here we go…
A student at Texas A&M got arrested after hitting a cop car. Why? Because she was trying to send a nude snapchat to her boyfriend. Authorities also said she had a bit too much to drink (shocker). “Officer I can explain, my boyfriend has a thing for women who make terrible decisions.”
Burger King called out its arch-rival’s (get it??) burger in this Halloween prank. We hope McDonalds retaliates by putting creepy clowns in its restaurants. Oh wait, it already does.
A judge was convicted for trying to bribe a federal agent with two cases of Bud Light to get copies of text messages from the phones of the judge’s wife and another man. If he’d only bribed him with Guinness, this never would have happened.
Thousands of endangered frogs have been found dead in South America, authorities believe the culprit is pollution. Or maybe they just couldn’t live with the fact that they look like old man balls.
Carjackers try to jack car. But it’s got manual transmission. They give up. Yet another reason why you should learn to drive stick.
A police chase took a weird turn when the suspect stopped at an In-N-Out Burger’s drive-thru in Arizona. Because even when you’re running from the cops, sometimes you get get hungry. We hope the cops let him finish his fries.
Kim Jong-Un apparently loves French wine and bragged about drinking “10 bottles of Bordeaux” in one night, according to the Kim family’s former chef. The Dear Leader apparently loves partying. And massive hangovers.
A woman in North Carolina bought a $10 scratch-off ticket to prove to her husband that lottery tickets were a waste of money. Then she won $1 million. We think the husband should keep all the money, just to teach her a lesson.
A newly discovered cosmetic trend out of Mexico offers women the opportunity to receive little dead scorpions on their fingernails, because if we all know one thing, is that women LOVE bugs.
A study show that self-driving cars can be taught the rules of traffic by studying games like “Grand Theft Auto.” Great, now self-driving cars are going to learn how to pick up hookers and jump off buildings, too.
A man in Kuwait almost went to jail after the family parrot accidentally exposed his alleged affair with a maid. Apparently the bird mimicked flirtatious exchanges between them in front of his wife. “Polly want a cracker!! Don’t worry baby, my wife will never find out, SQUAWK!!”
A church in Germany is eroding because people keep peeing on it. Dude. Peeing on a church seems like a one-way ticket to Hell.
The creator of the lock says it emits a smelly formula when it’s being cut. Rule 1: Always steal a bike on an empty stomach.
Hawaiian Airlines says passengers will be assigned seats to make sure weight is evenly distributed around the plane. “Sorry sir, you’ll be spending this flight on a treadmill in the back.”
There’s apparently a fetish that involves having sex with women who are the size of King Kong. And virtual reality promises to help this dream come true. Which just proves that technology can be used for both good AND evil.
A Florida man was arrested after calling 911 multiple times for non-emergencies. Police finally lost their patience after he complained that his mother refused to give him money to buy food at I-HOP. We imagine he said something like, “Yes, police? My mom won’t give me money for pancakes. No, I can’t hold, this is an EMERGENCY.”