Headlines That Actually, Literally Happened This Week

If the New York Times slogan is “All the news that’s fit to print” then perhaps a slogan for our weekly dive into the seediest, most bizarre headlines from around the world might be “All the news that’s unfit to even mention, and even if we did, most people probably wouldn’t believe us because, WTF?” Ok, maybe that’s not super catchy, but we’re out here making sure you know how weird this past week was nonetheless. So here we go…

 

1. Drunk Texas A&M Student Hits Cop Car While Taking Nude Snapchat Photo

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A student at Texas A&M got arrested after hitting a cop car. Why? Because she was trying to send a nude snapchat to her boyfriend. Authorities also said she had a bit too much to drink (shocker). “Officer I can explain, my boyfriend has a thing for women who make terrible decisions.”

 

2. Burger King Restaurant Dresses Up As McDonald’s For Halloween

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Burger King called out its arch-rival’s (get it??) burger in this Halloween prank. We hope McDonalds retaliates by putting creepy clowns in its restaurants. Oh wait, it already does.

 

3. NC Judge Convicted Of Trying To Bribe Federal Agent With Bud Light

A judge was convicted for trying to bribe a federal agent with two cases of Bud Light to get copies of text messages from the phones of the judge’s wife and another man. If he’d only bribed him with Guinness, this never would have happened.

 

4. 10,000 ‘Scrotum Frogs’ Die Mysteriously

Thousands of endangered frogs have been found dead in South America, authorities believe the culprit is pollution. Or maybe they just couldn’t live with the fact that they look like old man balls.

 

5. Carjackers Leave Man’s Car Behind After Discovering It Has Manual Transmission

Carjackers try to jack car. But it’s got manual transmission. They give up. Yet another reason why you should learn to drive stick.

 

6. Man Stops At Drive-Thru During Police Chase

A police chase took a weird turn when the suspect stopped at an In-N-Out Burger’s drive-thru in Arizona. Because even when you’re running from the cops, sometimes you get get hungry. We hope the cops let him finish his fries.

 

7. Kim Jong-Un Claims He Drank 10 Bottles Of Wine In One Night

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Kim Jong-Un apparently loves French wine and bragged about drinking “10 bottles of Bordeaux” in one night, according to the Kim family’s former chef. The Dear Leader apparently loves partying. And massive hangovers.

 

8. Woman Tries To Prove Lottery Tickets Are A Waste Of Money To Husband — Wins $1 Million

A woman in North Carolina bought a $10 scratch-off ticket to prove to her husband that lottery tickets were a waste of money. Then she won $1 million. We think the husband should keep all the money, just to teach her a lesson.

 

9. Dead Scorpions Are All The Rage In Fingernail Fashion Right Now

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A newly discovered cosmetic trend out of Mexico offers women the opportunity to receive little dead scorpions on their fingernails, because if we all know one thing, is that women LOVE bugs.

10. Playing Grand Theft Auto Can Teach Autonomous Cars How To Drive

A study show that self-driving cars can be taught the rules of traffic by studying games like “Grand Theft Auto.” Great, now self-driving cars are going to learn how to pick up hookers and jump off buildings, too.

 

11. Parrot Exposes ‘Cheating’ Husband To Wife

A man in Kuwait almost went to jail after the family parrot accidentally exposed his alleged affair with a maid. Apparently the bird mimicked flirtatious exchanges between them in front of his wife. “Polly want a cracker!! Don’t worry baby, my wife will never find out, SQUAWK!!”

 

12. Public Urination Eroding World’s Tallest Church

A church in Germany is eroding because people keep peeing on it. Dude. Peeing on a church seems like a one-way ticket to Hell.

 

13. Bike Lock Developed That Makes Thieves Immediately Vomit

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The creator of the lock says it emits a smelly formula when it’s being cut. Rule 1: Always steal a bike on an empty stomach.

 

14. Airline Wins Right To Weigh Passengers To Prevent Crash Landings

Hawaiian Airlines says passengers will be assigned seats to make sure weight is evenly distributed around the plane. “Sorry sir, you’ll be spending this flight on a treadmill in the back.”

 

15. Men Who Fantasize About Sex With Giants Will Use Virtual Reality To Make Fetish Happen

There’s apparently a fetish that involves having sex with women who are the size of King Kong. And virtual reality promises to help this dream come true. Which just proves that technology can be used for both good AND evil.

 

16. Man Jailed For Repeatedly Calling 911 After Mom Refused To Give Him Money For IHOP

A Florida man was arrested after calling 911 multiple times for non-emergencies. Police finally lost their patience after he complained that his mother refused to give him money to buy food at I-HOP. We imagine he said something like, “Yes, police? My mom won’t give me money for pancakes. No, I can’t hold, this is an EMERGENCY.”

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