We know it’s been a long week for everyone, what with all of the political tumult and nonstop headlines blasted across your newsfeeds. Never fear though, this post has absolutely nothing to do with politics.
In fact, it’s only goal is to bring you the very best in pleasure with Amazon’s premium quality sex toys and of course, a few goofy novelty products in between. So, close out of those news tabs, set your browser to incognito and allow yourself to be a little guilty. We don’t judge.
1. These amazing wolf muzzle boy shorts
These may just be the best boxers I have ever seen. Honestly, if I were to discover a guy wearing these under his pants I wouldn’t be able to stop laughing. Let’s just hope they’re able to keep that snout upright…
Get it on Amazon for $19.98
2. This ribbed vibrating cock ring
This product may appear tiny, but it’s extremely flexible and said to be one of the best cock rings on the market. According to the description, this toy is an expert in dual pleasure. “Hands free stimulation of the clitoris during intercourse is guaranteed to make her toes curl for extended periods of intense pleasure.”
Get it on Amazon for $11.48
3. This kind of terrifying giant dildo
Dear lord, this is a ginormous dildo. I personally don’t think it would be anywhere near fun, rather terrifying actually. However, reviewers gave this big boy a 4.4 stars saying it really does the trick.
Get it on Amazon for $31.96
4. This calendar of nature’s dick pics
If you have yet to buy yourself a new calendar for 2017, look no further than this glorious collection of nature’s dick pics. One beautifully phallic image for each month, what more could you possibly need?
Get it on Amazon for $19.99
5. This “realistic” tongue vibrator
Okay, this “vibrator” is downright terrifying. It is nothing near realistic and I can’t even stand to look at, it let alone…you know. Apparently, it’s a hot buy on Amazon this week though. Sorry it’s going to be a “NO” from me.
Get it on Amazon for $9.87
6. This deep throat spray that helps numb your gag reflex
This oral anesthetic spray is the perfect tool for helping you go the extra “distance” when you’re having intimate time with your SO. It will make things easier for you and more pleasurable for him. A win-win.
Get it on Amazon for $8.43
7. These boob beer pong balls
Attention all frat boys and well, just boys in general. These boob beer pong balls will probably make your day. Instead of sinking some boring old white ping pong balls, you can creepily caress these plastic nipples before attempting your next shot.
Get it on Amazon for $7.99
8. This pocket masturbator
While I find the above product shot to be absolutely ridiculous (WTF is up with those flowers), it is supposed to be one of the best masturbators on Amazon. One customer said, “What can I say it was great. The internal pattern changes from the front to the back and changes as you go deeper. There is a different experience if you go deeper or if you rotate it. I definitely recommend this.”
Get it on Amazon for $19.99
9. This inflatable love chair with bondage straps
This next item seems like the perfect way to spice up your relationship just in time for Valentine’s Day. According to the product description, it allows you to “fully dominate your submissive slave and enjoy the bound pleasure with various styles of sexual position.” Well then…
Get it on Amazon for $42.99
10. This brass testicle keychain
If you’ve been looking for a way to make your key ring easier to find or keep other people from touching it, these brass testicles are exactly what you need. Honestly, who doesn’t love a pair?
Get it on Amazon for $9.00
11. This Simply Sexy pheromone spray
I highly doubt the effectiveness of this spray, BUT if it did work it could be a fun little game to play with your partner. Again, just in time for Valentine’s Day.
Get it on Amazon for $9.20
12. This Dom’s Guide To BDSM Vol. 1
If the latest 50 Shades sequel has made you curious about the BDSM lifestyle, this is the perfect book to start with. It will teach you most of what you need to know about being a “Dom” if that’s your thing.
Get it on Amazon for $8.14
13. This golden dick trophy
Last, but certainly not least is the glorious gold dick trophy. Maybe you can award it to the best you’ve ever had or the worst, you decide. Either way, it’s pretty hilarious.
Get it on Amazon for $4.63
14. Open Mouth Gag
Next up on our list this week is a ball gag except the ball part is replaced with a pair of open pink lips. While I understand the function, I don’t think this is something that will be on my wish list any time soon.
Get it HERE
15. The Farting Animals Coloring Book
If you’ve been looking for the perfect gag gift to give this year, the Farting Animals Coloring Book might be just what you need. Yes, farts are funny no matter how old you get.
Get it HERE
16. Screaming O Pacos Taco Stroker
Okay, can we just take a minute here. You’re probably asking yourself, what in the actual fuck is a Taco Stroker? Well, we had the same question…apparently it is a self-pleasure tool for men. The instructions are quite descriptive; “simply open the box, apply lube liberally and wrap around your “meat.” Second and third helpings are encouraged!” Wrap that taco around your MEAT.
Get it HERE
