I’m pretty sure The Bible never says laughing at funny Tweets is a sin. In fact, Tweets weren’t even invented when The Bible was written, so you probably* won’t go to hell if you continue reading.
*theCHIVE is not an authority on the eventual destination of your soul, so proceed at your own risk.
Big deal Jesus, so your dad sent you here to suffer & die, that's what all the rest of us are doing too
— Hippo (@InternetHippo) September 21, 2015
vibrators are WRONG and unnatural the bible said adam and eve not florence and the machine
— Becky (@SAlNTKARDASHIAN) May 18, 2016
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don't tell you how to do your job.
— Gerry McBride (@GerryMcBride) March 21, 2016
Anyone who asks, "Why does God let bad things happen to people" has clearly never purposefully drowned one of their Sims in a pool
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) July 28, 2015
remember teens: even Jesus once logged off for 3 days
— lawblob (@lawblob) June 22, 2014
I love this bible verse, it always helps me in times of need pic.twitter.com/hQFYHShYNo
— griffin (@GRlFFERS) January 29, 2016
Judas: still on for Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) January 5, 2015
I'll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like "Damn, that name's way cooler."
— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) May 1, 2014
when you're catholic & you forget to go to church on ash wednesday pic.twitter.com/uWtAalZ20h
— nathan (@hosterthepeople) February 11, 2016
god: u gotta build a boat
noah: can't u build ur own boat.. i mean, ur god
god: [nervously] no i can i just wanna see if u know how
— chuuch (@ch000ch) May 31, 2015
jesus: what do people call the day i was crucified
me: good friday. we call it "good friday"
jesus: what the fuck
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) April 3, 2015
12. (play the sound)
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
— Miss Leah (@LeahsLounge) September 23, 2014
Me: I know you from somewhere
Jesus: I get that a lot
Me: no I'm sure
Jesus: just one of those faces
Me: [holding arms out] go like this
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) October 26, 2015
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: "they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there"
god: [rubbing his neck] "see the thing is"
— k e e t 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) January 15, 2015
*knock on door*
“Sir have you found Jesus?”
Uh, no. Goodbye.
*Jesus steps out from behind door with gun*
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) September 10, 2015
Ash Wednesday is the most metal Catholic holiday besides every Sunday when we all line up to drink human blood
— Erin 🎶Gloria🎶 Ryan (@morninggloria) February 10, 2016
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) February 4, 2015
Jesus only had 12 followers nigga musta had trash tweets
— Randy Randleman (@AnUglyNigga) September 23, 2013
Noah: Two? Why two of every animal?
[God whispers in Noah's ear]
Noah: nice lol
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) March 30, 2015
GOD: How many more animals left to make?
GOD: And how many more legs do we have?
— REW (@therealeatwood) June 29, 2015
And God said unto Abraham, "j/k u don't have to sacrifice ur son but im seriously flattered u can kill this sheep instead and make me Uggs."
— Trevor S (@trevso_electric) May 1, 2014
And on the seventh day God look on that which he had created and he said unto it: "Fuck it, send."
— maura quint (@behindyourback) October 31, 2015
"Put me down, God! Ain't nobody want yo stank bref in they face." pic.twitter.com/snfjvPhNlT
— Jocelyn Plums (@FilthyRichmond) November 21, 2015
God: Babies will come out your vag.
God: You’ll feed them with your boobs.
Eve: Dude. All I did was eat an apple.
— shauna (@goldengateblond) November 23, 2015
When God closes a door, he opens a window. And then a couple of tabs so he can toggle between various genres of porn.
— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) May 29, 2015
God said to Noah "Build me an ark", then He slipped and His big papier-mâché head fell off, and Noah saw He was Dave, who wanted a free boat
— Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) September 20, 2015
tripped and fell in my heelys jesus take the wheelys
— pakalu papito (@pakalupapito) March 1, 2015
Me: "Hey you forgot to close the door! Were you born in a barn?"
Me: "Oh, it's you. Sorry, Jesus."
Jesus: "I forgive you."
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) May 15, 2012
God: kill your son
God: holy shit I'm jk
God: I'll probably kill mine tho lol
— paperwash© (@PaperWash) November 11, 2015
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don't know
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) January 15, 2015
"Jesus, what about where there only one set of footprints?" "Oh, for– Yeah, man. I left you. You're a needy whiner who can't let shit go."
— Sean Tejaratchi (@ShittingtonUK) April 7, 2013
"Welcome to McDonald's, what'll it be?"
Jesus whispering "5000 Filet-o-fish, and hurry"
"5000 FILETS DAN"
J "Shh, keep yr fuckin voice down"
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) January 29, 2015
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) December 4, 2013