Another week, another list of the funniest Tweets I had time to find! Enjoy them and/or enjoy bitching about how you didn’t enjoy them in the comments below.
1.
[first date]
"table or booth?"
date: table
me: we're done here— James Broaddus (@TheOGJB) April 25, 2017
2.
Going to see the worst hip-hop group pic.twitter.com/rrtDSw93Og
— Michael, still here (@Home_Halfway) April 21, 2017
3.
we'll miss everything about brent except his pranks they were the worst [hears everyone at my funeral agree and I shift nervously in casket]
— brent (@murrman5) April 20, 2017
4.
sorry i keep getting drunk and yelling at strangers that the only two genders are fast and furious
— helena cell (@pilotbacon) April 13, 2017
5.
I'm rubber and you're glue. She's tape. He's a stapler. Those guys are paper clips. All my friends are office supplies.
— Markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) April 12, 2017
6.
the correct way to pronounce "pantomime" is "panto" because the mime is silent
— Fro Vo (@fro_vo) December 9, 2016
7.
when it's time for me to socialize pic.twitter.com/BfH3v4QhF6
— SubMedina (@SubMedina) April 26, 2017
8.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) April 20, 2017
9.
Me, anytime I'm out in public past 8pm being social pic.twitter.com/hdZrOGjsBa
— ¡NEW SHAOLIN-SOLO! (@SoloExMachina) April 19, 2017
10.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
— Jessie (@NicCageMatch) April 10, 2014
11.
Watched a man in complete camo pants, shirt and hat walk around the grocery store with a cart full of food. The modern hunter and gatherer.
— Jon Risinger (@JonRisinger) April 23, 2017
12.
Sober me drinks my problems away and then drunk me creates more problems for sober me and it's just one big vicious circle
— amz (@xamyross) April 17, 2017
13.
My daughter found Bill Nye on Netflix & I told her I use to watch it as a child, then she ask me was it in black and white pic.twitter.com/uJbK1mlI1g
— Sydney Jasmine 🎮 (@WarnTheWorld) April 21, 2017
14.
Me: I think the coolest sport is horse golf
Guy: do you mean polo?
Me: [realizing he isn't classy enough to know about horse golf] yes
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) November 16, 2015
15.
If you laugh at a kid's joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
— Rob Fee (@robfee) April 22, 2017
16.
me today pic.twitter.com/31xwQE0j4N
— jameh (@jamehhhhhhh) April 24, 2017
17.
One thing I call shenanigans on is Jesus dying a virgin. Mans turned water into Dom Perignon, i know he had mad floozies
— Chronic 😤 (@AshyGod) April 25, 2017
18.
Sorry I texted "LMFAO" when you told me your grandma died. I thought it stood for "lots of love."
— Brian Boone (@brianbooone) April 25, 2017
19.
I'm bouta break this bitch ankles pic.twitter.com/f5m6t7Jzcf
— young dagger dick (@killmemoe) April 24, 2017
20.
Me watching the elevator close on people as I calmly press the >|< sign a thousand times pic.twitter.com/m8nYzvYRWg
— deddy. (@HalfJewish) April 24, 2017
21.
The fact that Head and Shoulders doesn't have a body wash called Knees and Toes disappoints me almost as much as I disappoint my parents.
— mo (@cIassicaIIy) April 19, 2017
22.
when you work out once and you still haven't lost any weight pic.twitter.com/i0BVDqjDdB
— ty lafferman (@TyLaff) February 20, 2017
23.
i'm the party googler. havin interesting party talk, lemme make it less interesting. invite me, the party googler to your next party. please
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) October 8, 2015
24.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we're "on" for work every day mon-fri— slick (@dlicj) April 14, 2017
25.
Céline Dion covered Gasolina and now she's my favorite band of all time pic.twitter.com/W95L9oy48z
— Cafe Bustelo Fan Acc (@th0tcouture) April 25, 2017
26.
Hobbies include going to garage sales and casually leaving my old stuff on their tables.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) April 15, 2017
27.
When you grab the McDonalds and eat a little bit out of everybody's fries then take the one you didn't touch pic.twitter.com/vHcXPQv3KW
— X (@XLNB) April 25, 2017
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