Another week, another list of the funniest Tweets I had time to find! Enjoy them and/or enjoy bitching about how you didn’t enjoy them in the comments below.
1.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
— eric (@ericsshadow) January 15, 2016
2.
3 years ago i DMed a girl on here. 3 years later we have each other blocked and this is a random pic i found on google pic.twitter.com/4da8cykFuL
— cartier burgundy (@cartierburgundy) May 7, 2017
3.
My friend's toddler babbled "don't forget to subscribe" as he was put to bed. Kid watches so much YouTube he thought it means "goodbye"
— Tom Gara (@tomgara) May 6, 2017
4.
Me: never assume
Wife: because it makes an ass of u and me?
Me: what did i just say diane— Fro Vo (@fro_vo) April 28, 2017
5.
Lmao my maid sucks pic.twitter.com/3fYl75g3aR
— ㅤ (@resolve) May 13, 2016
6.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That's pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It'll be a cable TV installer.— Ray (@SirEviscerate) May 3, 2017
7.
My introvert side celebrating cancelled plans for something I agreed to when my extrovert side was present. pic.twitter.com/hViVFCT7KM
— MistyKnightsTwistOut (@Steph_I_Will) May 9, 2017
8.
BANK TELLER: to open an account I'll need a first name
ME: Robin
BT: and a last?
ME: Dabanc
BT: so ur Robin Dabanc
Me: *slowly reveals gun*— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) December 29, 2016
9.
I typed 18 beers into my calorie counting app, and it uninstalled itself.
— summerofbenny (@summerofbenny) April 7, 2013
10.
When I say "GTG GTG 🐓🐓" this what I mean
— marvin (@marvinsalone) May 3, 2017
11.
Ever wonder what it'd be like to be in a rap battle against three kids in a trenchcoat? Well, pic.twitter.com/pI2ka4lGfO
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) May 3, 2017
12.
When you've flushed twice but it won't go away 😭 pic.twitter.com/K2lfAG3M0q
— being_annelie✨ (@anelie_n) May 7, 2017
13.
me ghosting everyone this summer pic.twitter.com/1sRgD3SXO9
— nick (@2joynz) May 7, 2017
14.
If someone at Starbucks talked to you the way strangers on Twitter do, your face would get hot telling that story for the rest of your life.
— Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) May 8, 2017
15.
*leans over to date during Guardians of the Galaxy*
ME: "Neil DeGrasse Tyson says this part isn't accurate." pic.twitter.com/tAcjbovIxn
— HUCKWORTH. (@TylerHuckabee) May 8, 2017
16.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We'll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he's lost a lot of candy
— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) May 7, 2017
17.
Google is fucking useless pic.twitter.com/xeiloHvYNH
— Jared 🥀 (@Mintzified) May 8, 2017
18.
[concert]
SINGER: hows everyone doin tonight
CROWD: woo
ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): it's actually been a tough few months— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) May 9, 2017
19.
SUCK IT DORK pic.twitter.com/gskSgZR8XW
— Buzzfeed Is Trash 🌹 (@twitersgoodboy) May 9, 2017
20.
I haven't trusted anyone since q-tip started rebranding their product as "not for ears."
— lorraine (rad 2.0) (@whiskybingo) February 20, 2017
21.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him.
— Michael, still here (@Home_Halfway) February 9, 2014
22.
Me: Why df would I ever listen to country music I hate country music don't play me like that
Rascal Flatts: LIFE IS A HIIIGH WAAAAYY
Me: pic.twitter.com/fK6qdPt5jH
— Yadii In My Blood (@BlessedZvy) May 8, 2017
23.
It's surprising that Encyclopedia Brown's classmates didn't nickname "Fucking Nerd."
— Brian Boone (@brianbooone) May 9, 2017
24.
My tax return came in pic.twitter.com/Oetl4444l9
— Jon Brown fan accoun (@pleaseendmylife) May 8, 2017
25.
WAITRESS: How do you like your eggs
ME: Sunny side up
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *spins around* Actually the sun doesn't go up or down, earth rota— Michael, still here (@Home_Halfway) May 9, 2017
26.
are we gonna talk about how baby sting rays look like haunted ravioli pic.twitter.com/nQEQoiyhdZ
— rae paoletta (@PAYOLETTER) May 9, 2017
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