Oh man, these Tweets would be absolutely hilarious… if they weren’t so painfully accurate.
The best thing about working out and eating well is knowing that eventually I'll be dead and won't have to do this anymore
— beth can't with this (@bourgeoisalien) September 1, 2016
i hope this dog can’t see how often i check his instagram
— Hippo (@InternetHippo) April 12, 2016
when someone is looking for something i help by saying "it's gotta be around here somewhere"
— weedchainsaw (@tuckonthis) July 21, 2015
*drinks 1 bottle of water*
man i am so good at taking care of myself i mean wow
— Lane Moore (@hellolanemoore) March 23, 2015
1985: you will literally go blind if you are too close to the tv screen
2016: PUT EVERYTHING YOU DO ON A SCREEN REAL CLOSE TO YOUR FACE
— Amanda Hugnkiss (@caliluvgirl77) April 4, 2016
Who the fuck is this asshole?
Me- every time someone drives down my street.
— NoUCantBangMe (@MelissaJoy33) August 13, 2013
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 21, 2015
I don't know why I'm anxious. I just constantly stare at a device that beams nightmares into my eyes.
— Brandon (@UNTRESOR) June 12, 2016
KID: *falls out of tree* I'm fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
— batkaren (@batkaren) December 17, 2015
i'm great!! i'm good i'm doing good hahaha. i mean "well" haha! haha i'm doing well, not good! haha i'm not doing good! im not doing so good
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) September 2, 2016
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
— Holly Anne (@HollyMemphis) April 18, 2013
adulthood is emailing "sorry for the delayed response!" back and forth until one of you dies
— Marissa Miller (@Marissa__Miller) February 26, 2016
in what section of my resume do I put drinking wine in the shower special skills or work experience
— Chelsea Nachman (@chelseanachman) January 26, 2016
The best part about Instagram is seeing how many cats live better lives than I do.
— Sarah (@thetigersez) August 22, 2016
I stress about stress before there's even stress to stress about.
— psycho (@invalid) January 20, 2017
Autocorrect saved my job again pic.twitter.com/NHEfpCF2RL
— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) June 27, 2016
each and every one of my problems could be solved by lowering my expectations but i 👏🏼 refuse 👏🏼 to 👏🏼
— Chelsea Nachman (@chelseanachman) January 4, 2017
Sometimes I feel pretty ok about my choices but then remember that in 2006 I had a romantic relationship based entirely on Anchorman quotes
— Erin 🎶Gloria🎶 Ryan (@morninggloria) August 27, 2016
me: i'm an opinionated woman woman who knows what she wants
anyone: what do u wanna eat
— got damn 47 (@carmenhatesu) October 25, 2016
I thought I was just really tired but it's been 5 years so I guess this is how I look now.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) September 11, 2014
Putting your iPod on shuffle around your friends is like playing Russian roulette with their respect for you.
— Holly Anne (@HollyMemphis) February 23, 2013
[looking up at the stars]
me: makes you feel so insignificant, doesn't it?
dad: it should, you haven't done shit with your life
— paperwash© (@PaperWash) November 12, 2015
"I want to get to know you"
*gets to know me*
— so sad today (@sosadtoday) April 29, 2017
Life is like soccer because my mom signed me up for it and expects me to try my best even though I hate fucking soccer.
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) July 13, 2013
im so sorry im late, the traffic was horrendous
[cut to me crying and eating 26 mcnuggets in a parked car]
— trojansauce™ (@trojansauce) April 3, 2015
fellas i like to sit on my hand so it goes numb then it feel like someone else is wiping my tears away
— famous crab 2016 (@famouscrab) August 24, 2012
waiter, there's a reflection of a sad and lonely man in my soup
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) March 11, 2014
There's a monster at the end of this book. It's the blank page where the story ends and you're left alone with yourself and your thoughts
— Night Vale podcast (@NightValeRadio) March 22, 2013
i’ve been using tear-free shampoo but i’m still depressed
— helena cell (@pilotbacon) August 5, 2015
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
— a lost fish (@grumbist) September 14, 2015
This post first appeared on theBERRY.