Let’s face it, 9 out of 10 times, cat’s are going to be assholes. You know it. I know it. Everyone knows it. So why then, when there’s an ad for a cat that needs a new home, is it always things like “Felix is a cuddly and loving pet” or ” Chacha is the best kitty I’ve ever had.” It’s all BS. I’ve never met a cat that had a positive attitude or anything nice to say. Lucky for me, there’s an adoption agency in Australia that agrees with me.
Recently, cat rescue Cat People of Melbourne posted a brutally honest ad about a cat on Pet Rescue, that they were looking to adopt out and it’s hilarious. According to Gina Brett, who’s a volunteer with the group, Mr. Biggles (also known as Lord Bigglesworth), is a total bastard of a cat.
The ad starts out like this:
“STOP PRESS! Exclusive interview with Mr Biggles now available for viewing by his adoring public. Media requests and applications for slavery to Lord Bigglesworth can be sent to humanslave@utterbastardcat.com. Yes he has his own website, utterbastardcat.com. He’ll be publishing more about his life, including “stalking chickens 101”, “how to play with a dog and not kill it”, “getting what you want from human slaves” and of course what’s he’s well known for… “rip shred tear – being firm with boundaries.
Mr Biggles (also known as Lord Bigglesworth) is an utter utter utter bastard. He looks gorgeous with his slinky shiny black fur and big yellow eyes… but beware. If he doesn’t like what you’re doing he will give you a nip! Sometimes he likes to swipe at your feet too. It just depends on what he can reach at the time.”
“Mr Biggles does not like to be thwarted. He throws a catty tantrum if he can’t go outside when he wants to be let out (and he wasn’t allowed outside for the first couple of weeks at his carers house so there was a few tantrums!). Not being fed on time, or allowed to strut across the kitchen benches helping himself to whatever is there is also a tantrum inducing exercise.”
“Mr Biggles is a despot and dictator, he will let you know he is not happy, which is often because things are often just not up to his high standards. There is some warning that Lord Bigglesworth is displeased with you, his eyes will go dark and tail will start swishing harder. Mr Biggles likes his cuddles on his terms, and will sit in your lap when he decides it’s time. If the stroking is not up to his standards, he will nip you.”
“Shhhhh… Mr Biggles does have a secret soft side… he plays with kittens and actually does love a cuddle from time to time. He loves to be involved with what you’re doing and loves to have a chat, he will respond if you talk to him. While he’s not a fan of being picked up, likes a pat and cuddle from time to time and even permits kisses on his shiny black head if he’s feeling mellow. He loves sleeping on the end of the humans bed, and in his cat bed (and he snores just a little bit, it’s so cute). He loves to be out in the backyard stalking the chickens and supervising the gardening, and he has been saying playing with the dog (and not drawing blood).”
“And now I’m in trouble for telling his softie secrets so I have been ordered to say that Lord Bigglesworth believes he was put on this earth to be decorative and be worshipped by his human slaves!”
“Mr Biggles is not a cat for the inexperienced or faint hearted. He is a full blooded tomcat with very firm boundaries. Mr Biggles needs an owner that won’t take his nipping personally but won’t let him get away with bad behavior either. He will make the right person an exceptional feline companion for life, because when he gives his heart it will be absolutely and fully given without return. Are you that one special person for Mr Biggles?
I’m sold!! Take my money!
Via <a PetRescue
