Sex is well, it’s pretty great which is probably why we never seem to be able to stop talking about it. Honestly, who doesn’t love sex? As much as we enjoy the act itself, joking about gettin’ busy never fails to provide endless amounts of entertainment either.
We know you all have dirty minds whether you deny it or not. So, please enjoy these hilariously inappropriate jokes that are sure to make you laugh about your sex life or lack thereof.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
"wow have you been practicing?"
don't be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) May 17, 2015
If there's a sock on my doorknob it means I'm having sex with the other one.
— Ham on Wry (@realHamOnWry) November 23, 2015
I have no sympathy for grooms who worry "this is the only vagina I'll have for the rest of my life." I live that nightmare every day.
— maggie mull (@infinitesimull) May 16, 2014
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can't stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
— Michael, still here (@Home_Halfway) April 7, 2015
Vaginas are like gyms. I'm rarely inside one, but when I am I just sort of pretend to know what I'm doing and hope no one notices I don't.
— Max Miller (@RuinMyWeek) March 1, 2015
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
— Periwinkle Jones (@peachesanscream) June 23, 2014
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that's embarrassing
— chuuch (@ch000ch) September 1, 2014
Son, it's time I told you about the Applebirds and the Applebee's.
*pumps a mozzarella stick through an onion ring until we get kicked out*
— ghost mom (@radtoria) August 21, 2015
Bucket list: give head while wearing the glasses w/ the googley eyes on springs, keep apologizing and putting them back in as they fall out.
— Sofiya Alexandra (@TheSofiya) November 26, 2012
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I've only done that with pizza
— Sean Gabay (@ixSEANxi) July 31, 2012
Sext: I HAND U A PANINI AND U OPEN IT UP 2 SEE THE COMMAND "ORGASM" WRITTEN IN THOUSAND ISLAND. U GRIP THE EDGE OF THE FORMICA COUNTERTOP
— Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) June 6, 2011
Boy do I love sex. Really love putting my penis into some *looks at smudged writing on hand* verguba
— Licensed Esthetician (@SortaBad) August 5, 2014
A great alternative to Tinder is entering every room screaming, "Does anyone want to bang?!" It also has more dignity.
— Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) December 5, 2014
PORN IS BIASED.
Either MILF or 18. What about postgrad w/ bad credit who drives Subaru to 1pm matinees?
No one wants to jerk off to that?
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) November 10, 2012
I slept with this guy and left him SO speechless, he hasn't been able to call or text since. Still got it!
— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) August 19, 2012
I'd like to buy this EXTRA SMALL condom please.
"Sir, that is a sleeping bag"
*winks at cashier continually until she finishes her shift*
— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) October 18, 2013
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) January 9, 2014
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) November 30, 2015
Sex is like pizza, if you're going to use bbq sauce you better know what the fuck you're doing
— shut up, mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) December 26, 2013
Next time your getting hot & heavy with a girl, if she asks if you have a condom, look over both shoulders then whisper "A penis condom?"
— SCOTTY (@MarylandMudflap) April 26, 2012
Her:How long before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
Dr.:No one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.
— DaBear (@astutenewf) January 18, 2013
I wouldn't say I "enjoy" sex so much as I "let the pursuit of it control my life".
— Chris Thayer (@ChrisThayerSays) March 31, 2012
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I'll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
— Cutie McBooty (@8_Sisha) September 17, 2013
Sorry I yelled "killin' it" when your mom was eating that banana.
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) January 7, 2013
Doggy style means you get a treat afterwards, yeah?
— Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) May 7, 2012
Me: Netflix & chill?
[later that night]
Her: so you don't have Netflix?
Me [pulling out 20 condoms]: I don't have chill either
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) September 15, 2015
when ur making out & u tell him ur on ur period pic.twitter.com/HjPoGBV3pd
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) January 16, 2016
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) January 29, 2014
*pokes sex life with a stick
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) June 3, 2014
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it's not.
— Alex J. Mann (@alexjmann) August 21, 2013
This post first appeared on theBERRY.