This here is one of those posts you can revisit whenever you feel down on yourself. Whenever you feel sad, unworthy, or just plain dumb. This here post is a conglomeration of the absolute stupidest calls 911 operators have ever received, courtesy of AskReddit.
They’ll make you feel better about your life and your decisions in no time at all. Unless you happen to be one of the unfortunate souls these stories are about. In which case…good luck out there.
1. NodePoker may have been talking to a child:
Caller: A deer just swam across the river behind my house.
Caller: Well I am worried it might be cold.
Me:…….Well there is nothing we can do about a deer being cold. Didn’t it run off after swinning the river?
Me: Well ma’am it’s a wild animal and I’d guess it’s going to be fine.
2. What would mubzie‘s mom do?
My mom works as a 911 operator. She got a call one time from a girl in gym class at the local high school. She was in a panic and completely serious saying there was a squirrel on top of a telephone poll at the school and it wasn’t coming down.
3. RedHaus actually sent medics over?
“What’s your emergency?”
“I just swallowed a hairbrush”
there is no obvious respiratory distress since they are speaking fine and calmly so I move on to try to assess the situation
“How did that happen?”
“I was pissed off”
“Ok ma’am what’s the address you are at…”
4. To be fair, he was in a sense being harassed:
Had a drunk person call to report he was being harassed. Truth was….. He was being arrested by our officers for throwing pizza at people. All I heard in the background was one of my officers saying to him “that better not be our dispatcher on the phone” followed by some muffled talking and my officer taking the phone and saying “he will be taking a ride with us now” and hung up.
Still laugh about it to this day.
Also had a drunk woman call 911 because she couldn’t remember her phone pass code.
5. Have any of Stepside79‘s callers ever heard of Google? (No.)
Police 911 operator here for 15 years. The stories I have:
-I’ve had someone call 911 to know how long to smoke a brisket
-I’ve had someone call 911 to ask what the fines for parking tickets are.
-I’ve had someone call 911 to wish me a merry xmas when I was working at 3am on on Christmas Morning
-I’ve had someone call 911 report that their trunk wasn’t opening and they wanted to know what to do about it.
-I’ve had someone call 911 in a rural community because a black dude was walking down the street and “we don’t get their kind here”.
-I worked on 9/11. I had people call 911 for weeks after because there were “3 brown guys in a car and I thought you should know about it.”
-I’ve had someone call 911 because they were lonely. About 1,000 times.
6. One of these had to be a tripping balls story:
I have been in the 911 biz for over 22 years. If a caller starts the call with “I swear I’m not crazy” then you need to buckle up for some insanity. A guy started a call with those words after escaping from his apartment and running to the closest 7-11. He swore that his roommates were turning into giant crabs. The was going to show the officers that they were currently in giant cocoons transforming. As you might expect he was tripping balls.
7. QueenCoyote gives us three stories in one. What a treat!
“How far down is it snowing?” All the way to the ground, now get the fuck off my emergency line!
“The neighbor is giving my horse drugs.” – 0500 or earlier, every. Single. Day. Usually followed up about an hour later by:
Lady, nobody is giving your horse drugs. Drugs are expensive.
And my personal favorite, exact quote:
“My washing machine is telling me to file for bankruptcy.” This was a confused elderly lady so it was actually a little sad, but I’m including it because it left me completely speechless at the time. I think my response was, “I… you… what?”
Edit: Since everyone is worried, washing machine lady was fine. It was a minor medical call.
8. The husband in this story is either a genius or the worst human alive, or possibly both. Definitely both.
I’m a telephone triage nurse, so not 911, but a 24 hour hotline for people to call when they are having a medical problem but aren’t sure if they need to go to the ER or not. I have a few favorite stories, but I’ll share this one:
A quite pregnant (don’t remember exactly how far along, but definitely past 30 weeks) woman calls to say that her doctor told her to refrain from having sex for the rest of the pregnancy and she didn’t understand why. I looked at her file, and saw she was having pre-term contractions, so I explained that sexual activity can cause contractions, so it was safer to abstain so the baby could stay inside as long as possible.
She tearfully exclaims, “But how will I feed the baby?!?”
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, could you repeat that?”
Patient: “How will I feed the baby if I can’t have sex?!?”
The patient was convinced that her baby was living off of her boyfriend’s semen, and that it would starve if they stopped having sex. I explained about the umbilical cord, etc. but she refused to believe me until I asked her about single moms, lesbian moms, etc. and asked how she though their babies fed and grew. After a moment of silence, she thanked me, and started to hang up the phone, but not before I heard her screaming her boyfriends name.
That man had a good thing going for a while there. I honestly wasn’t sure if I felt more sorry for him, or a baby growing up in that household.
9. 1niquity‘s ‘friend’ paid sorely, in more ways than one:
I know someone that called an ambulance in the middle of the night because they thought they were dying from what must be internal bleeding.
After some time in the ER, it turned out it was just a really expensive fart.
10. This……..this 🙁
Man calls and asks for a male nurse. This happens pretty frequently when men call to talk about genital issues, and we try to accommodate, but there weren’t any men working that evening. I assured him that I could deal with whatever he needed to discuss.
I was very, VERY wrong.
The man says that he is afraid he might have an STD, as his penis was red and swollen. So I ask about other symptoms, and if he has been having unprotected sex.
Patient: “Yes…but not with a woman”
Me: “Well, you can get an STD from sex with men or women…”
Patient: “WHAT?!? I’m not gay! I don’t sleep with men!”
Me: throughly confused “Ok sir…were you using a toy?”
Patient: “No, it was a female. Just not a woman.”
Me: even more confused and a bit scared “Ummm…Sir, could you tell me from who or what you suspect you got an STD?”
Patient: “Well, you see, ummm…My wife left me last month, and I’ve been really sad and lonely, and I have this chicken…”
Me: “A chicken? A live one?”
Patient: “Yes, a live chicken, from the coop in my backyard. She’s just so fluffy and soft, and I’m so lonely…I had sex with her. And now I have an infection, and I’m so ashamed…”
Me: “Oh. Wow. Ok. Well, uh… I don’t honestly, um… I don’t know if there are STDs which can be shared between humans and chickens. Let me make you an appointment for tomorrow morning…”
Turns out, he didn’t have an STD. Just inflammation (maybe the chicken was too small?) and advice to stick to adult humans for partnered sex.
11. The woman in ddeevv‘s tale should’ve been detained twice as long for her behavior:
My mom is a 911 operator, she gets some insanely stupid calls. I remember a few years ago, there was a huge pileup involving several cars and fatalities. Clearly it caused miles of traffic. A woman called 911, insisting that she get escorted out of the traffic by a trooper, because she “had to get home”, and it was “ridiculous that she should be stuck like that”. Like, people are dead, lady, sorry you’re not gonna make it home for Jeopardy.
And before anybody asks – no, she had no medical condition, unless you count delusions of grandeur…
Not an operator; I’m a prosecutor. Guy lived in a rooming house that had a public area where all the residents could hang out. It had a microwave in it provided by the landlord. Guy called 911 around midnight one night because the microwave wasn’t there. The conversation with the dispatcher went something like this:
Dispatcher: “So… you called 911 because a microwave you don’t even own is missing? Did you ask your landlord if he took it?”
Guy: “Uh, no.”
Dispatcher: “Well, that’s not an emergency, sir.”
Guy: “But I’m really hungry.”
Meanwhile, a person with an actual emergency had to be put on hold briefly because this guy was adamant that this was the worst thing to ever happen. The genius insisted that police officers be sent to his rooming house ASAP because of the missing microwave. Officers showed up–so they could cite him for improper use of 911.
The guy pleaded Not Guilty and requested a jury trial. He represented himself. The jury was out 20 minutes before it announced its Guilty verdict.
13. The first part of flipit2mute should be illegal. The second part escalated SO QUICKLY.
Am a 911 operator.
Had a woman call 911 because she saw someone driving down the road with his foot out the window. She was following him the whole time, and admitted he had his seatbelt on, wasn’t texting or speeding, he just had his foot out the window.
She wanted the police to pull him over, to which I had to explain he wasn’t breaking any laws.
She couldn’t comprehend that driving with your foot out the window is not illegal, and proceeded to hang up on me, then call 911 again because apparently I didn’t know the law and she NEEDED someone to stop this man. We connected her to a deputy who told her if she didn’t stop calling 911 for stupid reasons he was going to ticket her for abuse of emergency communications.
Edit: Also had one a couple of years ago where a dad called to ask for an ambulance because his 17 yr old daughter had a candle stuck up her anus. He tried to explain that she said she had gotten out of the shower and slipped and fell “butthole first” onto the candle… Medics said they found KY jelly with the candle so I think we all know what was going on there.
14. If the person who called Jenaration200 was my neighbor, I’d kick their ass:
Me: “911 this line is recorded, what is your emergency?”
Caller: “hi, um I don’t know if this counts, but four days ago I noticed a Uhual truck in my neighbor’s driveway.”
Caller: “Well the two guys looked really suspicious. They were walking around the house like they didn’t belong there.”
Me: “Four days ago?”
Caller: “it’s been bothering me because my neighbors have been on vacation and no one should be there.”
Me: ……”okay we’ll take a look.”
The entire house had been ransacked. All the valuables were gone. Too much time had passed for the local pawn shops to have the items because they know what is stolen and needs to be moved quickly. LPT: if something doesn’t seem right don’t ever second guess calling the cops immediately. If the operator gives you attitude, make a complaint.
15. I’m glad Random-Miser had his moment of fame on this thread:
Oh dear god, time to fucking shine. Had a lady trying to call an ambulance because she opened a package from Amazon at home and she was afraid that that her kid was about to have a major allergic reaction… From the packing Peanuts…. because the kid was allergic to peanuts, and when her kid mentioned what they were called, she freaked out.
16. The poor dude in suitology‘s story should’ve left loooong ago:
I heard a woman making a call last year that her boy friend was abusing her because he broke up with her and locked the door to his apartment. While she was doing this a crowd gathered to watch the screaming woman as the classes just let out. She said he “hit me!” and began hitting her face giving herself a fat lip and a bruised eye. Cops came and she was screaming for them to come and arrest him for abuse but 5 people came up to the cops with cell films. She then just started ranting and raving and eventually they arrested her once she shoved the one guy with the phone. As they did so some hero in the crowd yelled “you dodged the fuckin bullet mate” to the apartment she was trying to get in. I like to believe her ex heard it. Eventually, a cop came back knocked on the door, talked to the guy, asked a few questions, and left.
17. Ranch emergencies are still emergencies!
My top few:
- girl (approx 25 yrs old) called 911 because they were going to charge her 50 cents for ranch dressing. When I showed up the owner (who I knew because I eat there all the time at work) was totally confused. Then he laughed and said, “we change everyone extra for ranch” to which the girl responded by breaking down in tears. I told her I’d pay for it if she would just leave and the owner just let her take it. Obviously, she was having some sort of terrible day and just lost it. She left w the ranch dressing. Didn’t thank anyone.
- guy called because neighbors were using their own BBQ in their own backyard and the smoke was coming into his kitchen window. He did not think he should have to close his window. He did not talk to his neighbor before contacting police. I told him he should talk with his neighbor or shut his window. Clearly they don’t get along.
- guy called because there was “an aggressive squirrel next to his car” and he couldn’t get in. Squirrel left before we got there.
- (in southern California – beach city) guy called said there was a bear in his backyard. It was an opossum. Not even that big. Regular sized, rat-looking opossum.
- guy called because he put meth pipe into his butt and lost it inside. Probably not unreasonable to call, but really funny and awkward. He went to the hospital. One of my favorite calls.
This post first appeared on theBERRY.