Yo momma’s so fat, that when she fell…
No one was laughing but the ground was cracking up.
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.” After a twenty second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”
“Yeah…”
she replied.
“But I don’t think the coffee maker wants to talk right now.”
“D-d-d…”
Dad – “Hey look! He’s gonna say his first words!”
Son – “D-d-dad I’m 30 years old st-st-stop making fun of my stu-tu-tutter.”
What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind?
A maybe.
The England Football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday..
“It’s heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope”, said Vladimir, aged 6.
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
He considered that for a moment before replying, “Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States.”
How much memory does it take to store a joke?
1 Gigglebyte.
What do you call a Mexican midget?
A paragraph, because he’s not a full essay yet.
Air Hostess : Can i offer you free head phones?
Man: That’d be lovely! & How did you know my name was phones?
I uploaded pictures of my butt to iCloud.
I like to back that ass up.
Husband: “Here’s a pill for your headache.”
Wife: “But I don’t have a headache.”
Husband: “Gotcha!”
When I was 16, my pissed off dad said he was going to hop behind me all the way to the hospital.
I ask him why and he said to get his foot removed from my ass.
I got a prostate exam and the doctor said it’s normal to have an erection.
It was awkward trying to ignore his bulge.
What does the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
Same time next month?
Yesterday I saw an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”
How to embarrass an archaeologist:
hand them a used tampon and ask, “which period is this from?”
There’s an actual medical term for when your foot falls asleep.
Comatoes.
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