“Son, I found a condom in your room.”
“Gee thanks, Grandpa!”
“Why are you calling me Grandpa?”
“Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”
Why does a squirrel swim on him back?
To keep his nuts dry.
Did you hear about the math teacher who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye…
Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
I got fired from my kitchen job for stealing cookware.
It was a whisk I was willing to take.
I replaced my dad’s shaving cream with mayonnaise.
He shouted “What the Hellman!”
What’s black and doesn’t work?
Decaf Coffee.
I went to the doctor the other day, and all he did was bite my neck.
Don’t go see Dr. Acula.
The job interviewer asked, “whats your full name?”
“It’s Peter Fucking Bastard Piss Flaps Smith.”
The interviewer asked me, “do you suffer from tourettes Peter?”
“No” I replied, “but my parents do.”
I finally found a way to make my dick 9” long.
Just fold it in half.
I used to smoke pot and sneak into class 10 minutes late with a bullshit excuse, slink down in my desk and hope no one asked me any questions.
I was the best teacher ever.
I bought a dog from the local blacksmith today.
When we got home, he made a bolt for the door.
What do you call a gun with three barrels?
Trifle.
How did the farmer find his wife?
He tractor down.
What happened to the man who ate too much spaghetti?
He pasta way.
A mosquito asks her son
“How was your first flight?”
The son answers: “I think it was good, everybody clapped for me”
Freedom, bald eagles, and the lack of bras; be bold in our new Freedom tee. Ladies, embrace freedom and liberate yourselves from those fabric shackles. We fully support you.
