Walk down any high street and you’ll no doubt run into a man of the beard, his immaculately groomed face fur making you feel inadequate and a lesser man. Well, that’s how I imagine people feel when they see me, a knower of things and beard haver.
However, according to research by Fragrance Direct and Manchester Metropolitan University in the UK, myself and fellow titans of the facial hair are actually dirty, dirty bastards. Shitty people even.
Literally.
Swabs were taken from bearded volunteers and tested for various kinds of bacteria. The results were, shall we say, depressingly filthy.
47% of participants in the study tested positive for the microorganism ‘Enterococcus spp’, which is also found in human faecal matter. To make matters worse, the results were uniform no matter the length of hair, meaning that even your minor facial hair has a chance of being a toilet bowl.
So what beard and moustache wearers do to combat this?
1– Wash your hands after going to the bathroom. Yeah, it’s obvious, but there is a reason for it and it’s not just so you don’t get the nickname ‘Shit Fingers’ in the office.
Don’t ask.
2 – Shampoo your beard. Everyone shampoos their hair (and other ‘parts’), but make sure you get a good lather into your beard to wash away the grime.
3 – Add conditioner. Nothing like a soft beard to get the ladies all wound up. Probably.
4 – Brush Your Beard. Not only does it make your mantle blanket plusher, it’s also useful for getting rid of little bits of food caught in your mandible mane.
5 – Use Beard Oil. It makes it smell nice and your face will feel all smooth. It’s great fun.
6 – Shave. NOPE!
Right’ I’m off to have a shower. Or 7.
Just remember your face is potentially covered in shit. Have a nice day.
