Kiwis on pizza? I thought we were leaving psychopathy in 2019 pic.twitter.com/x1zWlJw7t6
— Retired student (@Praise_Thunder) January 13, 2020

At this point, I think pizza chefs are fucking with us. Just covering their eyes with one hand, digging through the pantry with the the other, and throwing whatever they grab first directly onto a pizza. First there was pineapple, then came grapes, then peanut butter, then mustard, and now kiwi. They know it’ll generate a ton of attention, so they think fuck it, I’ll make a nice old Italian grandmother cry today.

I guess kiwi pizza and the more familiar pineapple pizza would please a similar palette. And I’m not a big pineapple-on-pizza guy by any means, but I at least get it. The sweetness of the pineapple complimenting the savory ham, sauce and cheese. Kiwi, on the other hand, is a much more sour fruit. And I know, I know, “Don’t knock it till you try it.” But there are some things I can just look at and know with absolute confidence that I would never want it in or around my mouth.

Some people are going to love kiwi pies, though. And that’s what scares me. With an overwhelming number of options available, pleasing everyone will soon become impossible. When you order pizza five years from now, you’ll be forced to get one cheese, one pepperoni mushroom, one pineapple ham, one kiwi, and one that’s half Froot Loops and dry macaroni, half Nutella and chicken beaks. Oh, and a side of hippo vaginas, please. Actually, two sides of hippo vaginas. Thanks. Don’t knock ’em till you try ’em haha. 45 minutes? Sounds good. Thanks again. You too.

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h/t The Sun

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