If you’ve ever Googled the definition of “Dirty Sanchez” or “bae” or “on fleek” or whatever it is the kids are saying these days and landed on Urban Dictionary, you’re probably aware that it is a terrible wasteland of vulgar synonyms for everyday words and disturbing fetishes some fucked up 14-year-old made up in 2004. I visit the site a couple times a week (for science) and after I shake off the feelings of nausea and shame, I do feel a bit more well-versed in the underbelly of the English language.
Because we thought you’d enjoy taking a rollercoaster ride of emotion and disgust, we put together this list of the best sex acts from your state. Enjoy? I guess?
Alabama: Alabama Hot Pocket
The art of separating the vagina lips and taking a shat inside, and possibly having sex with it afterward. Also called “Porky Piggin”.
Alaska: Alaskan Firedragon
When a man is just about to ejaculate while receiving oral sex, he pushes down the woman’s head, leans in and says something shocking such as “I have herpes.” The woman will choke and try to pull back. The man then ejaculates into the back of her throat while she is choking, forcing the semen through her nostrils.
Arizona: Phoenix Riot Shield
When a man is forced to splash his own man juice onto a napkin and hold it out in front of him to defend himself from an attacker.
Arkansas: Arkansas Knuckleball
When engaging in intercourse with a woman from behind in the vagina, a quick, sudden and forceful penetration of the anus. Often occurring as an accident, it may also occur as a “How do you do!” to simply ring her bell.
California: San Francisco Steam Train
An orgy of gay men who create a conga line and fuck each other from behind simultaneously. An anal chain gang, popularized in San Francisco.
Colorado: Denver Dripping Donkey Doorknob
When a man ejaculates onto a doorknob and waits on the other side until someone opens the door. When the other person walks through the door the man pulls down his pants, bends over, and defecates all over the person’s crotch.
Connecticut: Hartford Hot Sauce
The guy gets ready for anal sex by appearing to apply lubricant to the condom.He secretly switches the lube for Icy Hot (or Ben Gay if that’s the way you swing).The challenge is to complete the act before the burning begins.
Delaware: Dover Dustoff
The act of receiving oral stimulation from one’s partner while simultaneously have one’s rectum manipulated by a vacuum (either a portable vacuum or an attachment on an upright).
Florida: Tallahassee Night Train
The act of ejaculating into a sock and then hitting someone in the face with said soiled sock. This act is preferably done while yelling “BOOM! T.N.T.!” at the moment of impact (the T.N.T. of course standing for “Tallahassee Night Train”).
Georgia: Georgia Scorcher
When you bring a girl home from a bar, and she passes out. You take her panties off, take a dump in them, and then put them back on her. She wakes up and thinks she shit her own pants.
Hawaii: Honolulu Handshake
The act of a nun swimming underneath someone at the beach and subsequently giving them a handjob, to the immense surprise and delight of the recipient. The Honolulu Handshake has alternatively been referred to as the “Sister Tickle”, the “Pope Grope”, the “Penguin Peekaboo”, the “Miami Heresy”, and, somewhat less creatively, the “Surprise Nun Weiner Yank”.
Idaho: Idaho Potato Sack
A sexual act or punishment in which the male punches himself in the testicles until they swell up to two or three times their actual size and tea bags the recipient unforgivably. The act is not complete until the victim blacks out or receives serious facial wounds.
Illinois: Peoria Handshake
The friendly greeting given by a stripper to a patron of a gentleman’s club which entails grabbing and fondling of the patron’s genitalia.
Indiana: Indiana Clown Pie
To completely cover a girl’s face in cum, resembling a pie being smashed in one’s face.
Iowa: Iowa Atomic Corn Bomb
This action requires one full day of preparation. The day before hooking up with a filthy pig, every meal consists of eating nothing but corn on the cob. The morning of the hookup, you will need to ingest ONE full bottle of Ex-lax. While fucking her huge tits, and before you dump a load on her face, you release a massive ATOMIC like, explosive diarrhea of corn filled shit, from the previous day’s prep work onto her stomach. You then slide your ass up over her chest, onto her face, finally cleansing your ass in her hair. Thus leaving devastation everywhere.
Kansas: Topeka Destroyer
When you’re getting head after a long night of drinking and you barf on the girl’s head while she’s bobbing you off. Known as a Topeka Destroyer because it destroys the chances of you ever getting head from that girl again.
Kentucky: Kentucky Lawnmower
When a guy is getting a girl doggy style, he reaches forward and knocks her arms out from under her. Then he pushes her across the room while he is still fucking her.
Louisiana: Louisiana Bull-ride
The act of having sex with an obese woman, and mid-way through fornication, she goes into a diabetic shock, thus creating the effect of a bull-ride. This may be a desired event.
Maine: Maine Garden Gnome
When you shove a garden gnome in your girlfriend’s vagina without her knowing, and leave it there. You then proceed to tie her up, and force her to watch the Travelocity commercials with the talking garden gnome until you’re done laughing.
Maryland: Baltimore Blowfish
A classy move where a girl is giving you a rim job and you rip a huge fart into her mouth. Her cheeks puff up and then she’s the Baltimore blowfish.
Massachusetts: Massachusetts Slurpee
When during intercourse, right before the girl climaxes, you whip out a straw and put it into her vagina. Once the straw is tightly shoved in, you start masturbating until you can perform a “money shot” into the straw, which funnels down into her vagina.
Michigan: Grand Rapids White Sauce
What comes out of you when you get great head from some dork named Bill. Not the most quality of ejaculations, but well worth it.
Minnesota: Minneapolis Bullfrog
The act of inserting your scrotum and testicles into the vagina while being ‘balls deep.’ A successful attempt will result in discomfort for both parties followed sharply by expulsion of the testes from the vagina, which resembles a bullfrog crawling out of the mud.
Mississippi: Mississippi Meathook
When fingering a girl and she tries to get away but you hook your finger in her so she can’t.
Missouri: Missouri Compromise
This term refers to an act whereby a young lady circumvents the loss of her virginity by practicing anal instead of vaginal intercourse. Its namesake refers to the compromise of 1820, whereby Missouri was excluded from inclusion as a free state, even though it was above the Mason-Dixon line. Similarly, When a young lady finally is subject to vaginal intercourse, it is known as bleeding Kansas, which refers to the after effects of the Kansas-Nebraska act of 1854 which revoked the Missouri Compromise.
Montana: Montana Monorail
When you’re in an intimate setting with someone and one of you poops into the other’s butt-hole and they take that same poo and poo it back into your butt-hole. And back and forth until you decide to stop.
Nebraska: Omaha Hambone
When you cum in a girl’s ear and push her down the stairs.
Nevada: Las Vegas Spatula
Use your dick and wedge it between your partner’s butt cheeks. Make room for an egg, place the egg in his/her butt hole. Have him/her crack the egg w/ their ass cheeks, scramble the egg around with your dick.
New Hampshire: New Hampshire Smore
Alright, so first, you take a massive shit in a girls mouth. Then, she gets on her knees and gives you head with it still in her mouth. After you bust in her mouth, she spits the jizz covered turd into YOUR mouth, followed by you spitting it into her vag, and then you fuck her.
New Jersey: New Jersey Turnpike Special
When you are on the Jersey Shore beach, you have a girl on her hands and knees and insert a roll of quarters into a girls’ butthole. She then turns around and while you fuck her in the vagina she is able to spit the quarters out of her butt and into a bucket.
New Mexico: New Mexico Window Washer
When you blow your man juice into a fresh towel and wipe it on a girls face.
New York: Manhattan Flapjack
A manhattan flapjack starts with a woman laying on a bed. She is completely naked and smoking a cigarette. This bed is in the middle of an empty gymnasium. The door furthest from her opens and a man laying on a stretcher uses canoe oars to push himself in. Stacked on his erect penis are pancakes with the works (ie. Syrup, butter, the works). The woman must at this point yell “TAXI! TAXI!”. The man pushes himself toward the bed and at about 20 feet the woman must in one move jump and mount the man on the stretcher. The two must begin to have sex in the pancakes while the stretcher never stops moving around the gym.
North Carolina: North Carolina Headbutt
When two men are going to town on a woman’s boobs and they get so carried away that they accidentally headbutt each other.
North Dakota: North Dakota Hot Air Balloon
When a male farts into his lover’s mouth while pinching her nose shut right after she’s exhaled.
Ohio: Cleveland Steamer
When one person craps on another person’s chest and sits down and rocks back and forth like a steam roller.
Oklahoma: Oklahoma Pink Sock
When you are butt ramming your ‘ol lady without lube and you pull out real quick and the lining of her asshole comes outstretched around your dong, resembling a pink sock.
Oregon: Oregon Mud Puddle
When you are having sex with a chick and she is riding you reverse cowgirl and shits on you with explosive diarrhea and it puddles in and around your belly button.
Pennsylvania: Philadelphia Sidecar
When one engages in coitus with a colostomy stoma, using the stoma as a site of entry for a cock or some other pleasurable instrument.
Rhode Island: Rhode Island Hotdog
When you put your dick between a hotdog bun, eat a live puppy, diarrhea-shit the puppy out onto your dick in between the bun, and then drink tequila with your uncle until he’s drunk enough to eat it and you’re drunk enough to let him.
South Carolina: South Carolina Wild Turkey Jerk
This is the act of two dudes standing face to face jerking each other off, trying to get the other individual to ejaculate first. The winner gets a warm white summer’s wind on his genitals, resulting in him firing back.
South Dakota: South Dakota Soggy Taco
While having vaginal sex the female urinates on the male’s penis during insertion. This is usually done without the man knowing.
Tennessee: Tennessee Log Jammer
A complicated sexual maneuver requiring 3 men and one woman. With a ladder, two men climb up the ladder and the women arches her body beneath the ladder. Resembling a common log jammer, then the men take consecutive dumps on her back. The third man waits at the end with his mouth open to receive the logs.
Texas: Texas Chili Bowl
No one’s quite sure what it is, but it involves Tabasco Sauce, a Telephone, and the Anus.
Utah: Mormon First Base
Engaging in hand to hand contact. In other words, holding hands.
Vermont: Vermont Maple Tapper
When you pour maple syrup into her pussy and then get it on. May be followed by eating the Lumberjack goodness.
Virginia: Virginia Hand Jive
A Virginia Hand Jive is when you’re receiving a handjob, but the hand giving the handjob is turned 180 degrees. A backwards handjob.
Washington: Seattle Snorkeler
The Seattle Snorkeler is when you enter hyperspeed mode when giving a rim job or just licking someone out and then blow into the vagina or anus to make bubbles come out.
West Virginia: West Virginia Hand Puppet
When you fuck a girl in the ass and she reaches into her own vagina,and strokes your dick with the skin in between her asshole and vagina. (Imagine what your fingers look like inside a hand puppet and you’ll get it)
Wisconsin: Green Bay Butter Churner
A horrible multi-stage sexual act. In the first stage, milk is procured from a lactating woman. Then, the woman is anally fisted until she has attained anal width sufficient to receive the insertion of her own breast milk. Then, she is ass fucked until the milk turns to butter. The butter is then extracted and served over toast (serves up to twelve).
Wyoming: Wyoming Prairie Dog
A sexual position that involves two females and a male. The first female gets in a four-point stance while the second lays on her back so asses touch. The male then has the opportunity to pop in and out from 4 holes, just like a prairie dog.
Whew. That’s all 50 states. Now excuse me while I go watch puppy videos for a few hours to remind myself that something is still clean and pure in this world.