While shopping at Whole Foods over the weekend I was picking out a nice bottle of wine with my girlfriend and we stumbled across a lovely Ed Hardy Rose, a rare 2009 vintage to boot. We could not think of a better way to spend V-day than curled up with each other and a nice glass of Ed Hardy’s finest vino. If anyone knows wine, it’s Ed Hardy. Now to properly enjoy this delicate, yet complex wine, we decided to show you Chiver’s a step-by-step by process to the perfect pour:
Choose your Ed Hardy wine wisely. We chose a Rose because we were having cardboard and crayons for dinner and we thought this would be an excellent complement.
Remove foil cap. I highly recommend chewing on the foil to get a nice metallic taste in your mouth to clean your palette for the bliss to come.
Remove styrofoam cork carefully. I suggest doing this in the bathroom because you may piddle yourself with excitement.
Smell cork. Although not the classiest of moves, I feel you don’t get the full Ed Hardy experience without breaking some rules.
Gag. This is normal. Ed Hardy wine is like the finest aged Camembert de Normandy . It may smell like a corpse’s foot, but damn is it worth it!
CAREFULLY pour the Ed Hardy Rose into the toilet. If you accidentally spill the wine on your toilet rim or floor, you will have to evacuate your home forever. One drop of Ed Hardy Rose outside the safe confines of toilet water will kill everyone within a 10 mile radius. It makes VX gas look like a Shirley Temple mixed with Massengill.
Make sure every ounce of Rose is out of the bottle. Remember this bottle will be thrown away and we don’t want to contaminate your local landfill.
Close toilet seat. You know the rules.
Throw away empty bottle. DO NOT RECYCLE. The last thing our society needs is anything else made from Ed Hardy. This douchebaggery has to stop somewhere -let it be with you.