You’re all gonna die! The humanity!! (21 photos)

  • Kyle


    • jason in pc

      yes kyle, you were first, you beat me and your mom. congrtatulations on your excelence in life in general. now can you stop being a douche who has to post "first" and say something else?

      • ripoff
        • MikeOlmos

          Look up "Keep Calm" on google genius. Its one of the most copied phrases around. I think most people on TheChive knew this already. Good day, sir!

          • hMMMM

            i first knew it was a sailing term: keep calm and sail on

    • Rufio07

      TheChive does not need you here.good day sir

      • thepoopsmith


        • PooponSmith

          grammar correction fail

          Dumb ass

        • deepwellbridge

          Unless he meant it in a hillbilly sort of way as in, "The Chive don't need ya'! Ya' *hear*! Have yerselves a rooten tooten good day sir."

    • Claude M.

      Posting "First" on the internet kills some people every year, but no one else gives a damn, so no one has been counting.

      • bartman

        If we could reach through the screen and choke people, it would kill hundreds…

    • Vic

      i made a ham sandwhich today

      • shoop de doop

        AND SURVIVED???

    • thehookah

      Ah, there you are Kyle, I was wondering if anyone had seen you.

    • Mrbugaw

      I just think it's funny how tentative you are about it. I mean, if you're gonna do something as socially unacceptable as posting 'first', be bold and proud that you're annoying plenty of people who read comments.

    • Casso


  • jason in pc

    i almost died reading this.

    • Mutt

      Then they would have to add "Chiving kills 1 person annually"

      • Their is you're mom

        How about Chiving kills 6,000,000,000 unborn babies each year…

        • Zedhere

          I get what you did there… (6 billion)

        • The_Dood

          I think that's a little bit of a low estimate.

        • ThatGuy

          Sperm aren't newborn babies you fucking asswipe. I get that you were joking but God dammit what a fucking tool go fuck yourself. Fuck. And I don't even give a fuck if anybody thumbs me down that shit doesn't fucking matter.

          • LuvH8fulChix

            Now I'm going to go yell at my cat for barging into my room, and my mom for not cutting the crusts off my sandwich!

          • Groggy

            He didn't say "newborn", he said "unborn".

            Fuck, now you gotta deal with sand in your vagina AND illiteracy. Keep a stiff upper lip, you'll be alright.

  • your mom


    • Travis

      yeah you were

    • Catherine Anderson

      poor, stoopid.

    • JoAnn

      pretty sure your tied with the other lame ass that posted "first" as well. we will never know who the first firster that firsted first. FIRST! i mean FUCK!

  • VampJenn

    Dear Lord, how i survived this long!?

    • Its420somewhere

      your looks?

    • @JanipsyPoot

      too many parents read this and they're going to start marketing child sized hamster balls.

  • dastlast

    #19 Too good to be real.

    • Biggus Diccus

      The picture made this one funny

      • fed

        that's what David Carradine said…

        • Get Some USMC

          Well played sir.

  • texjosh

    Sooooo… hot dogs are pretty bad. By comparison, of course.

    • 2pumpdump

      compaired to #7 the are. eek
      screw coney island. im going to tornado alley.

  • Holy Hell

    Yes, and that's just the people that attend the games.

    • Slappy

      Drunken parents falling from the bleachers (or getting knocked off with T-shirt cannons.)

      • fed

        poor maude flanders…

    • Guesty

      Oh shut up already

  • dbolusaf

    pass me a smoke and a beer, life is too short apparently

    • BleedC&B

      Amen brotha

    • Surgere

      …It's actually the longest thing that you'll ever do.

  • Tim Brown

    #21 Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "Do you have protection?"

    • Their is you're mom

      No, it doesn't

    • BMerce33

      or "The bigger they are, the harder they fall"

    • Blumpkin

      Don't get a bunk bed!

    • fed

      HOW??? how is it possible?

      • DoomsDayDub

        If you can't think of how it is possible, you will probably be one of the 450 next year.

        • fed

          because a 3ft fall is known for being a deadly height for humans… -.-'

          • Astiahl

            I'm sure most are decrepit old people with brittle everythings. The rest likely from people with higher beds and nightstands in juuust the right place.

          • DoomsDayDub

            It's not the height, it's what they could possibly be falling onto. Enjoy your last days.

    • drummer113

      Not sure if serious

  • JHarris

    #1 "Foos-ball? Buncha overgrown monsters man-handlin' each other… 'Member when dat man wanted you to play foos-ball, Bobby?"

    • colder

      Dat over dere…dat his sheet.

    • Win_All_Day

      but momma i like foosball

    • TFred

      Gentleman, which brings me to my next point: Don't smoke crack.

    • storesy

      Powerbomb. Compliments of Ca-ca-ca-Captain Insano

    • Icky Woods

      *One more quote from Waterboy*

      • drummer113

        [Picture of Laurence Fishburne]

        "I'm tired of these mothaf***in snakes on this mothaf***in plane!"

        [said by] -Will Smith

  • Arktik_Arkitekt

    #19 … the irony. Usually my auto-erotic asphyxiation consists of me choking Lord Helmet.

    • LuvH8fulChix

      ^^ Fucking hilarious. +100

    • kyoshizen

      I'm going to be laughing at this for DAYS. Thank you, good sir!

  • chicago

    these annual death facts combined with those from medical community: Human's should be either extinct or jobless/homeless should not exist

    • Slappy

      Out of 7 billion, those numbers are insignificant (unless it's someone you know.)

    • DoomsDayDub

      That's because the list of where people conceive babies at is way bigger and crazy.

  • herbie hancock

    so if you're a fat guy who loves buying hot dogs from vending machines while texting, you're fucked.

    • Ned Ryerson

      During a thunderstorm. (Shouldn't it be called a lightning-storm? How many people get killed a year by thunder? That's right, "look a the scoreboard" Thunder, you pussy!)

    • 2pumpdump

      thats over 75% of "merica"

    • xdcdadf

      Don't eat in bed.

  • Jason

    #11 #15 #19 Should actually read "STUPIDITY kills X people annually"

    • Guest

      If only we could all be as smart as you.

  • HobbesLeviathan

    Unfortunately, no statistics have been compiled as to how many people are killed by stupidity.

    • Japanese Facts.

      read the comment above you 🙂

    • Commando00

      I'd file that one under the vending machine statistics……

      • fibonacci5150

        they're out to get me, they're all out to get me. Getting my sours stuck in D5, I'll be damned I let them do it again. Oh man oh man, those vending machines don't know what I've got in store for them!

        I just hope they're ready to wrestle

  • JHarris

    #4 True. But if we're being honest here, how many deer do people kill every year. Sounds like the deer might be winning the battle, but we're winning the war!

    • Hampsterstand

      Ever careen into a deer at 70mph in a sportscar?

    • @myawfulroommate

      if we didn't hunt deer they would be overpopulated and all starve to death

  • Bless1

    #6- how? choking on them?

    • herbie hancock

      no, shoving them up their asses…of course choking on them!

      • Shannon Coverdale


      • Commando00


      • bartman

        I dunno…some guy tried to kill Tiger Woods with one the other day…

        • vhr1904

          Is this Steve Bartman? Go Rays!

      • Presto


        • jasgat

          Well played herbie…

    • SimonDPieman

      refer to #2 for possible cause.

      Also #11 and probably #21 all obese people.

      I'm speculating obviously.

    • ydodonutshave2die

      no its the high levels of nitrate douchbags


  • Hunter X

    I'm gonna eat a hotdog under an icicle while petting Bambi.
    Livin' life on the edge, man….

    • The Dream Is Dead

      you call your dick Bambi?? That's a little wierd, dude

      • bartman

        no, no…not 'bambi'…it's called Princess Sophia.
        (who got that one?)

  • Ron Burgundy?

    These two don't seem to be mutually exclusive. #2 #11

  • shaunvw

    How the fuck do vending machines kill 13 people annually?

    • Verbal_Kint

      falling on them when shaken, trying to dislodge the bag of stuck Doritos they just spent their last dollar on…

    • BSS

      Dumbassas rocking them when their Snickers doesn't fall out and falls on them.

    • Phlerm

      These may overlap with the obesity number…

    • David

      the machines tip over and fall on them as the idiots try to shake stuff out of them

    • Thomas Pickett

      Have you ever had a bag of Doritos get stuck? Most people start rocking the machine to shake it loose and tip it too far in their direction.

    • Turtle

      They tip over on people rocking them.

    • FunnyFatFucks

      They tip over on fatfucks trying to dislodge a stuck bag of chips.

    • Troller69

      HA ! I saw this happen in the Office Cafeteria where I once worked!
      Guy's snack didn't fall out and the machine wouldn't refund his change….He starts shaking it, punching and kicking until….
      well you get the idea; He managed to move most of the way out but his leg got crushed! yep pinned to the ground and crying like a bitch.

      Anyways I sipped my coffee as I walked out…

  • bartman

    It's all still safer than trying to take Rosie O'Donnell's plate away from her…

  • Kaars

    #16… Awwwww…. uh…. AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

    • snakrause

      They're big as hell and SUPER territorial! They take on fair sized boats if they pass into their territory!

    • Hampsterstand

      Its cuz they HUNGRY!

  • Verbal_Kint

    Weed kills 0 people annually. Legalize it already…

    • Their is you're mom

      Add in how many people it saves from dieing.

    • BSS

      Amen. It does kill hunderds of law enforcers and dumbass dealers. Not to mention the billions in tax dollars wasted.

      • Their is you're mom

        that's not weed's fault though

        • J.D.

          His point is that those ppl are dying because of weed being illegal.

          • Their is you're mom

            He said "it" though, referring to weed.

    • Thomas Pickett

      Depends on if they get behind the wheel while high, but I see your point.

      • Verbal_Kint

        I don't condone either, but drunk driver vs baked driver? I'll take baked every time…

        • Ahnold

          No shit…the only thing stoned drivers do is drive too damn slow!!!

        • Thomas Pickett

          I agree… to an extent. If it were legal, I guarantee that you would see DUI (weed) and DUI (alcohol) statistics side-by-side. I'm not trying to support whether pot should or should not be legalized. I just have zero sympathy for those who CHOOSE get impaired (whether with legal or illegal substances) then CHOOSE to get behind the wheel.

          • Thomas Pickett

            BTW: In 2000, it was reported in South Wales, Australia that 4.3% of the 544 (roughly 23) traffic fatalities were linked to high levels of Delta-9-THC (found commonly in marijuana). Granted, MUCH lower than alcohol-related traffic fatalities, but to say there are 0 cases of marijuana related deaths annually… c'mon. (
            Again, the issue isn't to legalize or not, but if there are marijuana caused deaths.

    • doug

      weed and vending machine dorritos don't mix

  • ChelseaRules

    #11 #2 #15 #17 #19 #20

    Give up now, America.

    • MammyNun3


      • chelsearules

        Resistance is futile! Abandon all hope, ye who enter here!

        • 'Merica

          Fuck off

          • chelsearules

            Way to keep calm, bro.

    • Jacob Queen

      how the eff does airplane fit in with the rest, and fyi not all obesitiy is because of fatties just being fat some people do have medical conditions.

      also you list 6 numbers yet only 5 pics, good job

      • ChelseaRules

        Americans fly a lot. In fact, the United States comes second in the list of countries who make the most international trips (Germany being the first).
        I don't believe every obese American is large because of a medical condition. I do believe that Americans are already overly medicated, though.

        Also, I like how you act like the number/picture ratio is my fault. I referenced six pictures, but the format of the comment section can only fit five. So, good job to who?

  • JHarris

    #16 Enough already with the Christina Aguilera jokes!

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