“Fatherhood is great, because you can ruin someone from scratch.” — Jon Stewart
“Thinking about telling my kids Santa doesn’t exist so I can get credit for some of this shit.” — Adam Scott
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.” — Andy Richter
“Two kids are easier than one because they play together. When you have one, you have to be the show. When you’ve got two, you’re just an usher. ‘Right this way ladies!’ They can play in the park while you’re reading the paper. ‘Hey, hey, hey! Get off her hair!’ Then you go back to reading … One kid is horrible. Have a bunch of kids or have none at all.” — Chris Rock
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours.” — Conan O’Brien
“We took the kids to Disney World, and everybody at the park is yelling, ‘Rick James, bitch!’ Hey man, you mind not calling me a bitch in front of my kids? Even Mickey Mouse did it.” — Dave Chappelle
“He’s looking for danger at all times. We’re just trying to keep him alive.” — Jason Sudeikis
“The bedtime routine for my kids is like this Royal Coronation Jubilee Centennial of rinsing and plaque and dental appliances and the stuffed animal semi-circle of emotional support. And I’ve gotta read eight different moron books. You know what my bedtime story was when I was a kid? Darkness!” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” — Jim Gaffigan
“I just wake up hoping that I don’t screw up today.” — John Krasinski
“I’ve never had more poop on my person.” — Justin Timberlake
“I didn’t know you could get mad at kids to the point where you want to fight. Kids are assholes. My daughter is an asshole. We argue — she can’t even talk.” — Kevin Hart
“I really love my kids for about six minutes a day.” — Michael Ian Black
“You have to be adaptable because they constantly keep changing. They’ll do something that blows your mind and then they’ll spit all their food out on the carpet.” — Neil Patrick Harris
“If I can walk around in my underwear and pull it up super high so it’s just gross-looking and then try and be very serious with them. I like to do that … pretend to be very mad and have my underwear hiked up … really high.” — Paul Rudd
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” — Ray Romano
“My daughter’s only 6 months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge but honestly, it’s absolute garbage.” — Ryan Reynolds
“Most noticeable difference since becoming a dad: I’ve cried hard TWICE at ‘America’s Got Talent’ this season.” — Seth Meyers
“Someone asked my son what his father does for a living. He said, ‘He plays basketball and changes his shorts.’” — Taye Diggs
“I want my son to wear a helmet 24 hours a day. If it was socially acceptable I’d be the first one to have my kid in a full helmet and like a cage across his face mask.” — Will Arnett
“Teenagers should be an affliction.” — Will Smith
(Via)
