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In the past, I set the bar for my New Year’s resolutions far too high. I resolved to accomplish goals that are damn near impossible, like getting six pack abs or drinking only five nights per week. I always fail and I always end up feeling shitty about myself. So for 2023, I’ve decided to move the goalpost just a scooch closer. Here they are. My realistic New Year’s resolutions.
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-Stop blaming my mother for my poor relationship with women and start blaming women in general
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-Limit my liquor consumption to the weekends (on Mondays through Thursdays I will drink beer only)
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-Stop peeing several feet from the urinal to “improve my three-pointer”
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