Mitch Hedberg’s one liners immortalized in wood (8 photos)

Here’s one of my favorite Mitch Hedberg moments and if you’ve ever been to a Dunkin Donuts, you feel my pain.

  • Dima


    • DaddyD

      You sully the memory of a great man with this post. Go back to Russia.

  • tralfaz

    "Snakes don't have arms that's why they don't wear vests. Good night." – Steven Wright

  • Verbal_Kint

    RIP Mitch, you fucking comic genius.

    • Mike

      yep, sorely missed. along with Greg Giraldo.

    • Lisa

      It's the tortured souls that see the world in a way that makes us all stop for a minute and say "EXACTLY…WTF is going on with THAT?!?"

      RIP Mitch. "I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say 'I'm hungry,' so it died." Damn parrot.

  • Jenn

    That's "Hedberg", please… RIP dude…

    • Grant

      Glad someone else caught this. Definite Leo fail.

    • black27696

      Glad someone else caught this. Definite Leo fail.

      • Jeremy

        Glad someone else caught this. Definite Leo fail.

  • rtaylor12

    One of my Favorites is "I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down"

    He was classic, and is missed!

    • Groggy

      "If you are lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house!"

      "Well, I was lost, but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament."

      Fuckin' loved that guy. RIP Mitch.

  • LucretiusCarus

    #4 Glad to see that one here. Always been my favorite. Comedic gold.

  • The J

    Hehe he said HEADberg

  • echogeo

    If Mitch is No.1 then where do Henny Youngman & Rodney Dangerfield fall?

    • Craigery

      Down the stairs. Hi-yo! I'll be here all week!

    • Huh?

      Disagree with the Mob Rule and you get thumbed down buddy. Just sayin'.

    • Dalton

      they fall no where near mitch. sorry.

      • beans

        Are you kidding? Rodney does not compare to Mitch? Caddyshack! Easy Money! Back to School!
        HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA….that is hilarious.
        That's like saying Andrew Dice Clay doesn't compare to Bobcat Goldthwaite.

      • Yup

        "The New Jersey medical examiner's office reported "multiple drug toxicity" in the form of cocaine and heroin as the official cause of Hedberg's death."

        You are correct Dalton. Hedberg fell a whole lot further.

  • thaomeow

    Love him! One of my favorites was, "Escalators can never break. They just become stairs."

    • drew

      Sorry for the convenience.

      • MP3

        no, "thank you for the convenience"

        • Hugh


    • doreen

      Escalators temporarily stairs.

    • Devin_Medrano

      "I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread."

  • Csquaredapparel

    #4 golden! R.I.P.

  • Beer man

    My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen bannana, I sald no but I want a regular bannana later so I said yea. The dude was funny r.i.p.

    • aaaa

      On a traffic light, green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the fuck did you get that banana at?

  • Leddy420

    The man who sees the world through rose-colored glasses.

  • Penal_Colony

    If Mitch Hedberg is your man, how come you can't spell his name right?

    • Penal_Colony

      Ok thanks for fixing that. 🙂

  • niko

    The best is when he said “you have a lot of cranial accesories. Oh, you’re a smart group. Usually when I do shows for the dumb crowd, I have to say you have a lot of shit on your head!” Lol

  • driftwoodprose

    "An escalator can never breakdown, they just temporarily become stairs. You can still get where you're going, sorry for the convenience."

    Also, "Isn't up to me how many bedrooms my house has? This bedroom has an oven in it."

    • IamAwesome

      If you are going to quote his greatness, please get it right. You completely fucked up the escalator joke.

    • Matrix19


    • biggles

      The bed room comment made me laugh hard…….That is awesome.

  • Jared S

    #7 my favorite of this collection great comedian! listen to him on my work commutes every now and then. KCCO

  • Craigery

    I'm a fan of Steven, but Mitch's joke is better.

  • SolidusSnake420

    My favorite comic of all time. "I'm sick of followin my dreams, I'm just gonna ask em where they're goin and hook up with em later"

  • SLy_C

    Saw him at JFL a year before he passed. Incredible show.


  • @Wudien



  • bm00re

    My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so … yeah".

    He was so good.

  • bdg-kcco

    "I like Kit-Kats unless I'm with four or more people"

  • DDD

    You read all of them in Mitch's voice, i did

  • derp

    chive good thread would read agin lying basterds

  • DDD

    the UPS man is the most reliable drug dealer, he just doesnt know it..

    • The_Dood

      *I shouldn't tell this joke because it's gonna blow my cover but, the UPS man is the most reliable drug dealer, he just doesnt know it…

      • Groggy

        It was FedEx.

        • The_Dood

          You are correct. I didn't even think about that but I knew it sounded weird as UPS.

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