What did you want to be when you grew up? A doctor? A firefighter? Superman? Probably Superman, right?
We all want superpowers. Ever since I was a kid, I dreamed about flying around and saving the world. Just kidding, I dreamed about turning invisible and robbing banks. Which, I guess makes me a super-villain. Or a petty thief.
Sadly, though, superpowers aren’t real. But you know what IS real? Products. Lots and lots of cool products. If there’s one awesome thing about living in 2016, it’s that someone has probably made a product that fulfills whatever dumb wish you have (and we’re not just talking about sex robots. But we’re also talking about sex robots).
So while you won’t ever be able to fly or have X-ray vision, don’t worry! There are a bevy of products out there that can get you pretty darn close. All you need is money. And a willingness to wear a lot of accessories.
Any good superhero can see through walls, whether it’s to catch bad guys or just to watch them shower. And while this Seek Thermal XR camera doesn’t quite do that, it does sense thermal patterns, which lets you see what’s going on … pretty much anywhere. This feels very SEAL Team 6. We want one.
Want to fly around like a superhero? Or maybe just walk on water and freak everyone out on the beach that the Second Coming is here? You don’t need to be Aquaman, just strap on these X-Jets Jetblades, which use water to turn you into an ultra mobile crime-fighting superhero (crime fighting sold separately).
Been playing a lot of Titanfall 2? Want your very own robot suit? Well the future is here — Amazon Japan sells this 12-foot monster for the low low price of $1.3 million. But don’t buy it for speed — it only moves about 6 miles per hour. But when you’re this awesome, you can move as slow as you want.
How is this real? With this wrist attachment, the Pyro Mini Fireshooter from Ellusionist, you can shoot balls of fire from your bare head. Yeah, you read that right. Want to go all pyro? Now you can become the Human Torch.
Here’s how the maker describes it: “Pyro’s secret is that the barrels are filled with ‘flash’ paper. A specially-treated tissue paper that burns extremely quickly and is gone in the blink of an eye. Magicians have used flash paper in their acts for decades to get huge reactions from a tiny burst of fire.”
Finally, boots from Kangoo Jumps that will let the rest of us know what it feels like to dunk a basketball. Actually they’re exercise boots with a coiled spring that helps you jump. But still, we want to try to dunk a basketball with these. Before collapsing in exhaustion because we’re not 21 anymore.
Sure everyone wants to be bulletproof. But those vests are so … bulky. With this suit from Garrison Bespoke, you can look like you’re going out for an elegant dinner — but also be prepared if your date decides to pop a cap in your ass. Win-win!
Ok, this Schrade Tactical pen is some series James Bond sh*t. It’s got waterproof ink, a glass breaker, a handcuff key, even a self defense tool that can get your attacker’s DNA sample. Seriously, if anyone messes with you, they’ll be in trouble. Or, at least, you can make it easier for the cops to find whoever kicked your ass.
OMG, they’re finally here — we made flying cars!!!! Actually, this doesn’t feel very street legal, but we have to admit, it looks cool.
The manufacturer describes it as a folding-wing, two-seat aircraft designed to fly like a typical lightweight airplane in the air and drive like a typical car on the ground. “It runs on premium unleaded automotive gasoline, fits in a standard-construction single-car garage, and converts between flight and drive modes in under a minute,” according to the site.
Wow, pretty cool.
Now we’re talking. These aluminum-and-steel wings will definitely make you look like a junior member of the X-Men. Flick a switch and the wings open to 4.5 feet wide. Now if only they actually made you fly, Professor X would definitely promote you!
Want your cat to look like a member of the Night’s Watch? You’re in luck, someone on Etsy makes battle armor for cats. Here’s the description: “Your cat will become an unstoppable force for slaughter in this fully articulated suit, shielding him/her from foes while allowing unimpeded movement across the battlefield or living room floor.”
Then there’s a disclaimer that the armor won’t actually protect your cat from predators. Bummer. But still — major style points.
Ok, we know this isn’t a superpower. But being able to keep an extra slice of pizza at the ready is still a useful skill to have. And honestly, we could get behind Pizza Pouch man as a member of The Avengers (or at least, their snack assistant).