You’re on the rebound and just looking to satiate your thirst. Or maybe you’re out of town on work and only have one night to kill. Whatever your reason is, you’re looking for one night of coital bliss. Here are some quick tips to get in and out with your dignity intact.
It’s called a one night stand for a reason. Don’t get attached. Explore every inch and fantasy you can fit into your 5 minutes of sweaty passion and then pack it in. No one likes a clinger. If numbers are exchanged, don’t immediately assume that means you’ve got a standing reservation at some sleezy motel every Saturday night.
I don’t care how drunk you are, those swimmers have better sense of direction than a homing pigeon. It takes two minutes of pumping, ok 45 seconds, to make a life changing mistake. Even if the baby bump isn’t a fear, you don’t want to wake up with warts on your junk. Protect your tool and live to do work another day.
If there is any chance this might be your lucky night, put the gym socks away and wash those crusty sheets. No amount of passion can overcome that smell creeping out of your kitchen. Treat this night like your last shot at lust. Better yet, just go to a damn hotel. Let them clean up your regrets in the morning.
No one wants to wake up next to Sloth in the morning. If you’re with friends, listen to them. They know you’re horny and haven’t gotten any action since Becky let you get to second base during Titanic, but they may see things more clearly. Then again, it all feels the same with the lights off, right?
This is all about getting it in, but that doesn’t mean you have to get worked up like a Jane Austen novel. Have some fun with it. Maybe actually try that whole “foreplay” thing for once. Explore. Try things you’ve never done before and would never allow your [eventual] S/O to actually do. Two words: Butt. Stuff.
So you threw your money at the cab driver and hustled to the door. Your jeans are around your ankles and you’re already half-mast. Unfortunately, she gets cold feet. Don’t be a d*ck. Count yourself lucky that her beer goggles lasted this long. Chances are you would have just disappointed her anyway. Bottom line, it’s not happening. Help them get a cab and say goodnight. You’ve got a date with a bottle of lotion.
Once your 30 seconds of regret are over, it’s definitely sleepy time. They’re in your bed and they’re in for the night. They may choose to leave while you drool on the pillow, and that is totally awesome and thank you kind stranger, but if they don’t, at least let them sleep it off. This person let you do things your mom has never even heard of, you owe them a good night’s rest.
Whether it’s a walk of shame, or walk of fame (you lucky bastard, you), it’s time to go. Overstaying your welcome can turn an epic encounter into a creeper, cringe-fest. Coffee and/or water make for a great pre-walk pick me up, but then out you go.
There may be more heinous reasons for the importance of this in some cases, either way, whatever you bring with you, needs to leave with you – even if it’s wrapped in a sheet. You know how many shoes you were wearing and how many earrings you had on. Please don’t be that f*cking weirdo who leaves something behind on purpose. If they want to see you again, they can probably find you get wasted at exactly the same place next week.
So I guess love happens everywhere, or some sappy sh*t like that. In the off chance you just gave it to your soul mate, don’t get all soppy and immediately try to put a ring on it. They may feel exactly the same, but they still just got it on with someone who wreaked of Fireball and urinal cakes. Give them some space and time to hopefully forget the cringe-worthy details of your first encounter. They won’t be too hard to find.
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