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  • jamie

    Funny !

    • davo

      a way to turn off internet comments would have been good

  • ChrisDG74

    #3 – Shit, wish I'd known that when I was a teenager.

    • http://www.facebook.com/emily.gosling Emily Celeste Gosling

      Just moved into a new place and the floors are SO effing squeaky. Totally trying this this wknd.
      Thnx, chive! 🙂

      • sfb101

        It really works!

    • sleepysteve

      Does not work for ever. Wood expands and contracts due to moisture (humidity) and will swell or shrink in summer or winter (location dependent). You will have to occasionally repeat the talc powder process, BWAHAHAHA, a johnson and johnson conspiracy no doubt.

      • FunKiller

        Go back to sleep sleepysteve.

    • taco

      Does NOT work if the squeek is coming from the sub-floor.

    • shartz

      Doesn't work. I've tried.

    • wealthychef

      Only works if the cracks go all the way in. My floor is waxed and you can't make the talcum go between the boards.

      • Argh

        I can't believe you tried…waxed=no cracks..

  • The Cock

    #19 guess I didn't need that chive shirt after all.

    • Romeo

      Good one Made me laugh

    • Macro

      Sell shirts for $30, tell people to never spend more than $5.

      GENIUS

    • socalmarti

      Yeah! Thank God, 'cause the server crashes everytime I try to get one anyways!

    • http://www.slumberpartiesbymay.com Bean's Mom

      Hahaha! Yet I must have one in every color… Hoping I score a pink KCCO to go with my Black and Green…
      Clever!

    • okss

      I actually just spent 45 minutes at work making this, step 5 to 6 has a nearly impossible fold. But it's totally worth it!

      • how

        im stuck on step 5 how the hell did you do it

        • MikeOverHere

          Same here. Someone help!

    • starved rock savage

      cant wait to do this at the strip club

  • kal50

    #20 Leaves pussy hair everywhere

    • Barf

      It's ok, like my pussies hairless anyway… And poor cat's gonna lose all it's hair!

    • wcclark

      Problem with that shedding pussy?

      • davo

        As if you guy have been any where near a pussy. I mean c'mon, let's be honest

        • Mufasa

          I'm not lion when I say I'm a proud virgin.

          • OnOneWheel24

            I see what you did there

  • Forest

    #13 is genius. #20 also.

    • Mike

      13 is anything but genius, Forest. Looks like a waste of time to me.

      • FunKiller

        I'll Swifer….much easier on the back.

        • tapsnapornap

          Mine volunteers to be the swiffer refill, swiff him and he just lays there, being pushed around…

      • Forest

        How do you ensure the freshness of your tasty chocolate morsels, Mike? Clothes Pin? Tape? Savage.

        • JHL1

          Twist tie. They come free with just about anything.

    • Thud

      Why wouldn't you just pour your chocolate chips in the empty bottle and forget about the bloody bag.

  • Joslin

    #2 MIND BLOWN!

    • PA2AK

      Go ahead and try this…its easy they said…works as planned they said.

      • Craigery

        Did you know that if you press the top edges of a Ziploc bag together, you can seal the bag so the contents don't fall out?

        • TheDarkKnight

          You can't explain that!

    • jeff s

      fuck i never knew this

    • msee

      I want to start my life over. All these years!! DAMN!

    • https://www.facebook.com/joshua.d.lyons Josh Lyons

      Chivers with a sense of humor… This is what I like to see. 😀

      • See that

        Shut up fool

  • Shawn

    #6 No way! Coulda fooled me.

    • Dan

      maybe they meant "ship your things"?

    • Lunch_Box

      They're completely right, try packing your things after you leave for your trip, you won't be able to reach any of your things…………..now where did I place that sarcasm symbol………….

  • Food dude

    You can still eat the rice

    • David

      Personally, I find alcohol to work better. It pushes the water out of the phone, and then evaporates much more easily.

      • db3300

        That's what our phone guys at work tell us to do. The rice can be hit or miss in getting all of the moisture out.

        • parkatola

          David and DB, please explain. If you drop the phone in water, do you then submerge it in alcohol (any specific kind?_) and then let it dry out? I'm not trying to be a douche. I've really never heard of this. (And yes, to everyone reaching for the thumbs down, I do know about the internet and google. But who do you trust more? The faceless people behind google, or your fellow chivers and chivettes?) Thanks in advance for the info.

          • TC

            It sucks having to explain your every move because some people are jerks.

    • Eddie

      not if you dropped your phone in the toilet LOL

  • Huh?

    #6 there's another way?

    • Jason

      Unless you're absorbing toilet water,…then probably not.

      • gottaclimb

        Especially unflushed toilet water

      • http://twitter.com/McBeastie666 @McBeastie666

        well, you are going to boil it…so…if you're really desperate for rice, you CAN still eat it. no fucking way I would though.

      • http://www.slumberpartiesbymay.com Bean's Mom

        Exactly what I thought Jason…

    • Taco_Depot

      ship it FedEx!

  • Notknowing

    #20 Pay for expensive pet bills after it licks itself clean and gets sick.

    • FunKiller

      Or the countless amounts of chiropractor visits from being hunched over like that for hours.

    • thatguy

      Just hose it off when you're done cleaning

  • BigPup

    #2 Why would a man need to know this?

    • not enough bacon

      You never wrap your potatoes with tin foil on the BBQ?

      • FunKiller

        Potatoes are wrapped in foil in the kitchen. kitchen = woman territory.

    • Jonny Hammer Sticks

      Women look at the site though

      • Tommy Nobel

        That's true

    • NDChiver

      Veggies+butter+seasoning…wrap in foil, put on grill…put a nice ribeye right beside it, drink beer until done…not sure what type of man you are if that doesn't sound appealing

      • Justhadshecks

        Whilst giving a bj my female counterpart nodded her head in an agreeable fashion.. I thanked her for her contribution and told her to fold the laundry after the dishes were done.

        • http://www.slumberpartiesbymay.com Bean's Mom

          What? You were giving a BJ?

          • Bean's Dad

            Totally what I thought too!

            • matt

              ah…the importance of the comma….

    • Girly

      because you'll be forever alone when chivettes read this post?

  • Buttwad

    #19 Does this mean you will be reducing the price on all KCCO and other shirts to $5?

    • Please!!!

      If that's the case sign me up for one of each! I will sport the shit out of 'em! Will be happy to spend $80 worth RIGHT NOW!

    • dewmaN

      priceless!~

  • Definitely

    Why would you want really shiny hair anyway?! Plus this guy obviously has more problems than dull hair.

    • Shiftycap1

      Lol, I can't believe you made him delete his comment. Definitely douche-proofing the chive, one comment at a time.

      • tapsnapornap

        I think he deleted it on his own, unless "the user" is really, 'the chive"

  • cleanyournose

    #17 must try this one!!!

    • Awesome

      I work in a hotel. It works.

      • coco

        me too! and yes it does and honestly we're happy to get rid of them.

    • ThePartysOver

      If its your car charger, go to any rental car company and say you left yours in a rental a couple weeks ago. Same deal, they have tons.

      • BigDave

        I travel a ton and frequently forget a charger. It works 100% of the time.

    • Cream

      It works. Just saw this and drove right in town and got a much needed charger for free.

    • newscot

      My girlfriend works as a housekeeper in a hotel, and I have a ton of spare chargers at home as a result.

  • bones

    #6 id like to pack her things

  • illWill

    #13 Holy damn, that's brilliant

    • Mike

      thats a fuckin waste of time.. you dizzy bitch

      • truth

        That was more than just a douche thing to say.

        • Craigery

          But it's true.

          • truth

            How so?

            • RogerD

              Zip-Loc…. way easier and you can get them by the 100's

    • Underbaker

      Don't most recipes that call for chocolate morsels require the whole bag? (Why are you looking at my Man Card? Some one had to make the Cookies for poker night when I was poor and unmarried.)

      • TheDarkKnight

        Cookies for poker night?

        • Underbaker

          Hey they told me to bring the chips, I thought they meant the chocolate ones.

      • skb

        So you can also use it for other things that come in bags. Open your mind, man.

  • Notknowing

    #18 beware, piranah.

  • smh

    I would fuck Mac

    • BritBerrier

      me too.

      • FunKiller

        I wouldn't.

        • https://thechive.com/ mattythegooch

          I'd let him give me a "dutch rudder"…….

          • JESUS lies

            polite people get t-bags

    • Gerrard

      Out of what?

  • Child Please

    #12 Just use a dry erase marker. Waaaay less messy

    • Verbal_Kint

      Dry erase or magic eraser?

      Magic eraser rocks.

    • Underbaker

      Or just a quick shot of Hair Spray and it wipes right off.

      • CAPTAINinsano

        Well obviously since hair spray contains toothpaste

      • skb

        Hand sanitizer works too. It's almost pure rubbing alcohol.

    • http://www.slumberpartiesbymay.com Bean's Mom

      Uh…. Unless you then have Dry Erase Marker stain instead!
      Depends on the surface in question…

    • Craigery

      If you rub chili on it, the ink will disappear. You'll have a chili stain instead, but that's YOUR problem.

  • iXOredheds

    #18 This with a motor would be sweet.

    • parkatola

      Gotta slow down when I'm reading. I thought this said "This in Mordor would be sweet." And that's true. Cause you don't just walk there.

  • Torey

    Waste of time

    • http://freshdub.tumblr.com KCO617

      Don't let the door hit your ass.

    • Dont look

      You're a wAste of time

      • annoyed

        your mom

  • mugsii

    #5 American history X?

    • adxasd

      or Crying Game…

    • Underbaker

      Why couldn't this have been a naked woman in the shower? Go check Mac's Man Card! (that should get them off my ass for the cookie comment)

      • FunKiller

        Revoking said man card….again. Never, I mean NEVER mention an ass (especially when referring to a man) when there a naked man sitting in the shower.

        • Craigery

          You've earned your Homophobe Card!

          • FunKiller

            I find that hard to believe, my boyfriend is gay…..I'm not, but he is……but he's also my best friend so….

    • chronicLSD

      Thats definitely not American History X

  • subvet

    #14 I totally forgot that the sun will absorb moisture….

    • smokey

      argh, this infuriates my inner nerd!

      • robinson

        apparently knowing anything about anything that isn't tits and ass makes you nerdy. lame.

      • tapsnapornap

        I think some of these may be jokes. Maybe not.

    • TFred

      Thank you for also noticing this!

    • Progresso

      It also adds moisture. Generally around my armpits and buttcrack cause I'm kinda chunky. I'll even occasionally get a horizontal line on my sides where my love handles hang over and form a crease.

      • Ohlordylord

        Oh that was great! And your name makes it even better.. Progresso? Isn't that a pasta sauce? Bwahahaha

    • dakari84

      it will also help get out any stains. the sun kinda bleaches it. good if your pillow is white, not so good if its any other color.

    • http://twitter.com/RickvdS @RickvdS

      The sun will also repair it, add extra stuffing and if you keep it long enough in one place the pillow will duplicate..

  • kng_nthn

    what is #1 supposed to be?

    • CowboyChiver

      Switching the hot and cold knobs on a faucet.

      • kng_nthn

        why would that be a solution? It would be a hilarious practical joke though.

    • Macro

      Some kind of twisted joke I think … a woman using a screwdriver? Please.

    • Worldsgreatest lover

      Looks like a woman about to screw things up.

    • DinoDavid

      It's telling you how to tighten a loose shower knob. Works for sink knobs, etc. too.

      • Craigery

        Tighten something… by… tightening the screws…? Well, you learn sumthin new every day!

        • Quailman

          Not realizing they're pointing out that there's a screw under the plastic cap? Well, you're dumb every day!

    • msee

      I think its for the humans from another planet who didnt know those plastic thingies actually pop off.

    • Slappy_McGee

      I thought it was the magnetic screwdriver so you don't drop the screw down the drain. My dad got me an awesome tool kit when I bought my house that has magnetic screw drivers. Now, when I use one elsewhere that is non-polarized, I get very frustrated.

      Cool story, I know. In summation, magnetic screwdriver.

      • Hugh

        Your Mom called, time to go home.

      • tapsnapornap

        Put the plug in the drain. But yes, magnetic tools are better than non magnetized tools for sure. Especially in places that have places to drop things in that you would have little to no chance of ever retreiving them…

        • KalEl24

          Especially Computer. Mainly on the screws that hold the hard drive in place… Fucking magnets, how do they work?

      • Notme

        do not use magnetic screwdriver while working on your computer. Magnet will F*%k up the hard drive

        • D6U4

          *Facepalm

      • Shane

        Find yourself a strong magnet. Rub strong magnet on screwdriver. You now have a magnetic screwdriver. you're welcome.

    • Deeg

      Someone is preparing to screw in the shower.

  • https://thechive.com/ Paula_

    #20 Do not forget to set the cloth on fire after use.

    Hugs,
    Paula
    – Fan testimonial: "i hate you so much… but love you too. i don't know what to do. – sixdeadelves"

    • Verbal_Kint

      If you screwed a broomstick into it's butt, you'd save yourself alot of time, back pain and sore knees….

      • https://thechive.com/ Paula_

        Why bother screwing? Just ram in the pointy end somewhere, just like Gern Blastern…. Blaster… Basher…. whatever he's named always does…

        Hugs,
        Paula
        – Fan testimonial: "I hate everything that you choose to be. You are just awful. Stop breathing. You are stealing air that could be used on real people. You are an oxygen thief. – buck"

    • Justhadchex

      Let's get a photo of Paula unless it's short for Paul.

    • FunKiller

      Umm……It's not a cloth…it's a cat.

      • trl87

        Wow. Just wow. Have you not met Paula_ yet?

        • FunKiller

          I have….and I'm really not impressed.

          – AntiFan Testimonial: "After scrolling theChive, I enter the comments and see a score of -119p, I immediately know it's going to be an incredible let down of a comment left by the one called Paula."

          • Shiftycap1

            -119p? Some say impossible, Paula says "And how's about meow?"…………….-120p

      • insanely great

        no shit sherlock

    • Levian

      Your monkey picture gives me nightmares

      • https://thechive.com/ Paula_

        And how's about meow?
        <img src="http://i.imgur.com/nglbb.jpg"&gt;
        Hugs,
        Paula
        – Fan testimonial: "does this bitch really write down comments people have said about her? LMAO. – George Costanza"

    • TomatoTipper

      I hope you get fita by a tortoise in a zoot suit.

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