It’s the age of Tinder, and that means that, for many of us, casual sex is just par for the course. It’s actually kind of bizarre if you haven’t had a one-night-stand or a no-strings hookup at some point. They can be exciting, and they make things way less complicated. But even the thrill of seducing a stranger isn’t always everything it’s cracked up to be.
Your one-night stand may be the stuff of dreams, in which you and a fellow hottie take turns rocking each other’s world all night long. Or it can be awkward AF and leave you wondering why you even bothered. Either way, here are 10 thoughts every woman has when she’s in the middle of a casual hookup.
1. “Fuck, I totally forgot to shave.”
I know body hair is in right now, but I still like to clean up my bikini line before I move the party downstairs, if you know what I mean. I wonder if I could sneak in their bathroom and borrow their razor. That’s actually really gross, and I can’t believe I just thought about it. Meh. They’ll just have to deal with my prickly stubble.
2. “Oh my god, this is messiest apartment I’ve ever seen.”
Is it really that hard to walk pizza boxes to the dumpster? Also, last time I checked, the futon is not a laundry basket. I feel like there’s some sort of secret law of the universe dictating that a one-night stand can never take place in a beautiful high rise that smells of lemon-scented kitchen cleaner and expensive candles. It’s always some grubby apartment with bare walls and dirty underwear on the floor. I wish we could bang in HAZMAT suits.
3. “So, are we supposed to talk first, or…?”
I never know what to say in these situations. “Hi, how are you? What’s your life story? Want to 69?” Should I ask for a glass of water or just take my shirt off? I need to channel my inner Samantha Jones and just tackle them—after getting consent, of course. Consent is very important.
4. “Oh, hey, we’re naked. That escalated quickly.”
Alright, so we’re making out. That’s cool, except, um, you’re kind of eating my face. Do you always kiss like a possessed vacuum cleaner? You should work on that. I’d help, but based on this kiss alone I already know I don’t want to see you again after tonight. I kind of regret telling you my real name.
5. “When was the last time these sheets were washed?”
They don’t look that dirty, but they smell kind of weird. What if they’ve had other dates over and didn’t change the sheets? What if they’re in a relationship? I didn’t even ask. Whatever. I’m not their mom. I really should’ve asked, though. I feel guilty, and it’s killing my sexual joy. Fuck, I’m terrible at this whole spontaneous hookup thing.
6. “Hey, they’re actually not terrible at this.”
Despite your terrible kissing abilities, you’re actually pretty good at this whole getting me off thing, rando. If there was a Yelp for one night stands, I’d give you three out of five stars and a decent review that only slightly chides you for your weird moans and saggy mattress.
7. “Um, wait, my legs don’t bend that way.”
I know we don’t know each other that well, but I think it’s pretty obvious that I’m a human and not a blow-up doll. As such, my legs actually do not actually go behind my head, nor am I able to fold myself like a human pretzel. If you want some crazy flexible human to try out your challenging porn-inspired positions, maybe try Craigslist?
8. “…that was it?”
Wait one goddamn minute. That’s all you’ve got? I only had, like, half of an orgasm. And, how are you already asleep? It’s like you have sexual narcolepsy. You should really get that checked out.
9. “Should I stay or should I go now?”
It’s still kind of early. I could probably go back to the bar and find my friends. I’m not obligated to sleep here, right? Oh, ew, they’re trying to cuddle with me. I definitely have to leave, just as soon as I can figure out where my clothes are in this dank, lightless abyss they call a bedroom.
10. “So glad I GTFO of there!”
Thank the lord. That was pretty fucking weird. I think next time I might just stay home and spend some quality time with my vibrator. That thing will never give me up or let me down (yes, much like Rick Astley), and it doesn’t make me talk to it before we go to town. If there’s one thing hookups are good for, it’s realizing that masturbation is totally underrated. #LoveMyself.
This post first appeared on theBERRY.