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Every major college has a “confessions” page on Facebook (mine definitely did, and I went to an art school so it was mostly lonely men confessing how much they “loved” a “raven-haired goddess who lives next door,” but we’re not going to unpack that here).
For the uninitiated, the confessions are anonymous, which is key because whoever posted this confession to the Confessions from UC Berkeley page should probably keep quiet for a while because… Well…