The best of Actual Advice Mallard (20 Photos)

  • sean m.

    nailed it

    • Dutch

      That what he said.

    • morebeer

      The duck??

    • Jen

      you are so wise, mister mallard.

    • Teddy Turbo

      Crap. I put a butter wrapper in my dryer.


    #1 Who else immediately reopened their tab?

    • Bryant


    • nate33uc

      a sexy pic from tapiture…solid

    • zimzum

      me 2

    • Dave

      Holy shit! I have been needing this one for a while.

    • Smitty

      I would have, but I just fired up the computer to come here, no closed tabs to reopen.

      • thom

        Well, ain't that some shit.

    • open minded

      I did…now my office know this one. Thanks mallard!

    • Iceberg

      Only if you have a PC it is command+T for Mac users

      • Blue Bronco

        Command + Shift + T

      • Chris

        command z works on your Mac.

    • lfgd1978

      I'm guessing….. everyone

    • Scott

      Doesn't work with Chrome

      • ZachBob

        You got the wrong Chrome, buddy.

        • Matt

          It works in Chrome but not when in Incognito mode.

  • Chuck Schick

    That's one smart fucking duck !!!

    • dan

      ….but why a duck?

    • LukeSkywalker

      *ducking fuck.

  • DannoTheManno88

    #20 OOPS!

    • WhyAmIReadingThis?

      Too late!

    • FunKiller

      You did whatever you wanted, didn't you?

  • Not A John

    #16 if i end up in jail can Chive bail me out?

    • eggnog

      Won't she get mad when you whip it out?

      • I don't know

        Not if she's a whore…whipping your dick out just means more money for her.

    • DaddyD

      Only if you submit the photos you took.

    • lfgd1978

      Make sense

  • Cracka_ass_cracka


    That's a Bingo!

    • Amber

      This picture is so true I can't even think of something intrinsically true enough for my simile.

    • @beagleracing

      "You just say 'Bingo'" — Lt. Aldo Raine

    • KCCOorDIE

      You just say bingo

  • TheBAMFinater

    #20 Most men figure this out pretty quick. But if you don't know, heed this advice.

    • Dan

      That must be why I'm such a dick

      • davo


  • Duber

    The prostitute one cracks me up. First of all who needs that advice, and secondly how did you come about needing to possess that knowledge? Still funny AND accurate.

    • @LosSaysSwag

      He ducks a lot of them?

    • MylesofStyles

      Um…Not me…I swear…*jumps through plate glass window*

    • JonJAF

      That one quacked me up too

    • Nnn

      It was on the show "MANswers".

  • vanislechivette

    duckin eh

  • MBNS

    #10 The USB logo is always on the top.

    • MylesofStyles

      <img src="; border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic">

    • Aloicious

      The crack in the metal is also always on the bottom.

      • Grant

        Simple signs yes, but won't sick out as much as a bright color.

        • Underbaker

          I am going to mess all of you up and turn the receptacle upside down next time I work on your computer. Signed Crazy PC Tech.

      • Guest

        I have a usb drive where the seam is on the sides of the plug and the company logo is on the bottom of the drive. Screws me up every time.

    • Big C

      99% of the time, yes, but there's a few out there that want to be different.

    • DaddyD

      Except for all the devices that don't have the USB logo on them.

  • mastrrob

    #20 Wise words to live by.

  • jasonB

    That's a PRO tip right there. If you learn nothing else today, learn that.

  • Cyberfunker

    Thank you Chive for watching our backs with #20

  • John

    smart duck

  • RealZoo

    <img src="; alt="true story neil patrick harris meme" width="325" height="250" />

    • dtjrjrj

      How do you paste pics into your comments?

      • amrith777

        I would like to know this,too.Have asked several times to no avail….

  • Dave

    "Real Talk Mallard"

  • Vicster915

    #9 I got a better solution, cut the onion the right way, then chewing gum will just be for sweets

    • Amber

      Care to explain what the "right" way is?

      • Jesus Christ

        Yes please, us cooks would love to be enlightened on how to cut pounds of onions the right way. Chewing gum does work though. Truth.

        • DDD

          You can put them in the freezer first…

  • Stick

    And get newspaper ink all over the place

    • Oscar Mayer

      Spoken like an privileged person who never has had to clean windows. Works like a charm

      • Turd F.

        It also works when washing your car.

        • GOB

          Paper towels don't leave streaks either, maybe you guys just suck at cleaning.

          • Sebastian

            Paper towels tend to leave white fuzz sometimes. newspaper is the shit. Too bad everything is digital these days

            • @timchipp

              Great reason to subscribe to one.

    • lfgd1978

      This works great actually

    • not a rich bitch

      You've obviously never cleaned a window before…

  • @oreese12

    The popcorn idea was genius. Thanks, Mallard.

    • Jesus Christ

      Indeed, especially when you've got that sticky icky and have the munchies.

  • killer12

    #20 I do what I want…

    • DaddyD

      Obviously single.

      • :DDD

        HAHAHA so true

    • Jake

      I'll wine and dine them, but I'll never let them tell me what to do.

  • rsjem1979


    I knew those hobos on the off-ramp were on to something.

  • B-to-the-H

    #11 – I doubt popcorn alone is enough to satisfy the munchies.

  • MonkeyMadness

    #4 The duck wanted to buy chapstick but didn't have any cash, so he said "Just put it on my bill" *rimshot*

    • Yo Yo Ma

      Ha! You quack me up.

    • menis

      I want to say, "that joke was fowl." but….it was funny.

  • guest

    #2 – how do you delete cookies?

    • Jesus Christ

      Says the 12 year old.

    • Huell

      If you have Windows, go to your control panel, search delete cookies or temporary internet files & you'll figure out the rest.

    • Dave

      Do this even if you switch to a different travel site. They look for eachother's cookies to see what prices you have been given.

      • CookieWookie


    • andrew

      Open command prompt. Format c:

      • candymancoug

        you sir, are cruel.

    • Rich

      With the number of locations cookies are stashed, I use CCleaner.

    • lfgd1978

      Press Ctrl + Shift + Del this is the fastest way 😡

    • Patrick

      If you don't know Darwin says you should pay more.

    • ???

      Wtf are cookies?

    • bigvonski

      Call the cookie monster…he will take care of them

  • asdasd

    #2 Wouldn't private browsing work Instead of cleaning cookies ?

    • lfgd1978

      It would surely works since that browsing mode wont save any cookies

      • DaveOnWheels

        You mean it's useful for more than porn?!

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