Another week, another list of the funniest Tweets I had time to find! Enjoy them and/or enjoy bitching about how you didn’t enjoy them in the comments below.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
— bananafanafofisa (@lisaxy424) April 9, 2017
sorry password must contain a special character
— Rollman (@Rollmaninoz) May 9, 2015
HONKING ISN'T GOING TO SEND THIS TWEET ANY FASTER, ASSHOLE!!
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) March 22, 2017
observations about being an adult:
1. it sucks
2. it continues until you die
— Tom McKay (@thetomzone) April 19, 2017
me: [flashlight under chin] they say a witch cursed this house 100 years ago today!
[100 years ago]
witch: fuck this house
— cursed hog (@malt_skull) November 2, 2015
If you try to fight me there's only gonna be 4 hits. You hitting me… And me hitting 9, then me hitting 1, and then me hitting 1 again
— Tom Bro Dude (@tombrodude) October 28, 2014
I had subway tiles installed in my bathroom so it doesn't seem as weird when I'm eating a sandwich in there
— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) April 5, 2017
"The swear jar is full. What do we do now?"
"We buy a fucking boat and sail out of this bullshit town."
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) March 11, 2017
Roosters have the right idea. They just wake up screaming.
— Eric Schmidt (@TalkingSchmidt) August 31, 2016
Getting stuff done is 95% trying to remember what you were just trying to do
— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) April 14, 2017
sometimes I wish the bell hadn't saved those kids
— several onions (@Amusitr0n) September 6, 2015
if you fuck up a meal just call it Chicago style and serve it anyway
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) December 12, 2015
Be quiet Freddie
JUST KILLED A MAN
As your lawyer I-
PUT A GUN AGAINST HIS HEAD
PULLED THE TRIGGER-
We plead guilty, Your Honor
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) May 20, 2014
*on a first date*
Me: [remembering how my friend said women like mysterious men] my favorite color is a secret
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) September 14, 2015
[alphabet naming committee]
okay what comes after O and P
let's just do O and P again but give em dicks
— Fro Vo (@fro_vo) March 7, 2015
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It's…your "signature sex move"
She: Judgmental Corpse?
— It's Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) March 27, 2015
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
— Ash (@cray_at_home_ma) March 19, 2017
Why isn't Cap'n Crunch's Crunch Berries called Berried Treasure, do I have to think of everything
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) April 4, 2017
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
— Shantira Jackson (@tira_son) April 19, 2017