As a lifetime (so far) Texan, I have had ample opportunity to study the tendencies of people when temps drop and the powder starts falling from the sky. After painstakingly pouring over my own research and compiling data from social media and meme scientists, I have come to the following conclusions on how winter weather affects people differently.
East Coast: Commute times, which are already a nightmare, get even more crazy with 25-50% more delays.
Deep South: Like clockwork, mild panic sets in and there is an impending sense of doom.
The Midwest: Actually entertain the idea of maybe putting on pants to go outside. Maybe…
East Coast: Not only is traffic at a complete stand still, but now the travel advisories have been issued. Seems natural.
Deep South: Schools closed. Businesses delay opening. “Are they gonna salt the roads? What if I get caught in black ice? WHAT IS BLACK ICE?”
Midwest: Incredulously brush snow off the grille before tailgating for the game.
East Coast: Not only have the roads now become parking lots, but air traffic is diverted, delayed or cancelled all together.
Deep South: Grocery stores and Walmart are ravaged for ammo, bottled water, bread and other emergency provisions.
Midwest: Salting of roads makes walking the dog a little bit more of a pain in the ass, but he’s a good boy and loves the snow.
East Coast: It’s official, CNN and The Weather Channel have begun reporting about “Snowmageddon” – this could be the storm of the century…
Deep South: Governor announces State of Emergency before going into underground bunker. “May god be with you.”
Midwest: The lines at the liquor store have gotten annoyingly long.
East Coast: Simply put, everything is closed, not that it matters because you’re probably stuck in your car in, you guessed it, traffic…
Deep South: The Governor has sent word to D.C. declaring a Federal Disaster seeking aid. National Guard called in. Remarkably, raging Yeti’s from hell do not eat them.
Midwest: The line at the liquor store has extended to the roads, where there are now minor traffic delays.
East Coast: Nobody leave your houses to go anywhere until we’s tell you otherwise!
Deep South: Something like the first season of The Walking Dead, but with snow. Martial law. Walmarts are down to one cashier. Wait, that’s nothing new.
Midwest: Yoga classes are cancelled, not that anyone was going anyway. Axe throwing at The Drink Tank is still on!
East Coast: Jim Cantor caught making yellow snow cones. Quickly segues into colloquial discussion of the individuality of snowflakes.
Deep South: Have you seen The Day After Tomorrow?
Midwest: Snow Day! Except for you, pal. We expect you in at your normal time.
