Another week, another list of the funniest Tweets I had time to find! Enjoy them and/or enjoy bitching about how you didn’t enjoy them in the comments!
DEBATE CAPTAIN: You're off the debate team
ME: No I'm not
DEBATE CAPTAIN: Damn. Where the hell was this guy at regionals?
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) March 17, 2017
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
— phil (@PhilJamesson) December 15, 2016
his palms are sweaty
arms are heavy
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) March 24, 2016
JURASSIC PARK is a movie abt how just bc something is great doesn't mean u should bring it back and it has three sequels
— MAX IM A KOOPA (@meakoopa) March 16, 2017
Okay. I know this cake is a number 1 and it says “Emma," but it LOOKS like a dick with balls that says “WEED" pic.twitter.com/3NZfwA4DCg
— Elizabeth Sampat (@twoscooters) March 24, 2017
When you're grocery shopping, pick up a loaf of bread, stare at it, then turn to another customer and ask, "How do they think of this stuff"
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) March 13, 2017
People who say "go big or go home" seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it's literally my only goal for most of the day.
— Line Art Lionheart (@notalogin) May 25, 2016
4yo son said the word prototype. When I asked him what it meant, he said "People are a prototype" and I was too scared to ask what he meant.
— Kristin (@FeralCrone) February 7, 2015
Amazingly, this sentence contains all letters of the alphabet djkquvwxz
— Reticent Turnip (@ReticentTurnip) July 28, 2016
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
— andrew chamings (@AndrewChamings) January 4, 2017
Those 3 little words every woman wants to hear: pic.twitter.com/NegrpitjgB
— Jocelyn Plums (@FilthyRichmond) March 20, 2017
HOW GREAAAAT IS OUR GOD?! SING WITH ME HOW GREAAAT pic.twitter.com/ECDKDlKE06
— Jerron Reese (@CoachReese12) March 19, 2017
Dudes in the reply section when a woman posts about how men don't eat enough pussy. pic.twitter.com/VbaIxemsOq
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) March 21, 2017
You know it's pretty bad when your hairdresser asks you if she can take a before and after picture.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ(s)🎭 (@3sunzzz) February 15, 2017
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
— Ian Abramson (@ianabramson) March 14, 2017
We can't have sex until I see you around a bee
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) August 30, 2015
*shakes wife awake*
Karen. Karen! Don't make any sudden moves…he's back again. pic.twitter.com/4Xb5jPfXPL
— Lazer Cat (@Laser_Cat) August 20, 2014
Pretty sure my main job as a father of daughters is to make sure none of them become contestants on The Bachelor.
— andrewosenga (@andrewosenga) March 14, 2017
When you pitch a movie idea to your dog and they think the premise is contrived. pic.twitter.com/i8rimn9wMV
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) March 26, 2017